Guilty

As I stand here saying slichos in Shul erev Rosh Hashana I am being pulled by my attraction to some men davening with me.

I ask myself, should I really be here or rather, does Hashem really want me here saying selichos if at the same time I am having negative thoughts that the Torah frowns upon and even forbids?

Probably not.

So what keeps me here?

Guilt.

I feel too guilty going into rosh hashana without saying selichos. It really doesnt have much meaning to me right now though.

I feel pathetic that this is where my life is.

And no, I will not be going to the mikva tomorrow. Haven't gone in years...

Help!