Confronting the God issue

I started this blog for numerous reasons. One of them was the for the therapeutic benefits of putting thoughts into writing. Writing about my feelings and emotions forces me to face the difficulty of actually thinking through the topic I am writing about. It doesn't allow me the ability to distract myself and send my thoughts elsewhere. One topic I haven't confronted but I've been wanting to write about is the issue I have with my "relationship" (or lack thereof) with Hashem. Understanding the irony of the following request, I ask God to help me write this post with clarity so that I can get to the depth of my emotions and bring them to light in a clear manner .

This I know; I have a love-hate relationship with God. I don't have a problem with belief in Him. I have thought this through. I have read books on emunah and books on atheism. I am comfortable and confident in the belief that there is an infinite, all powerful God who created the world. I don't believe that somehow the world came into existence on its own and evolved to where it is today. I know that sounds simple and pedestrian. Creationism and evolution isn't my topic so I will leave it at that.

Once I established in my mind that there is an infinite God (key word is infinite), I then realized that He has no needs. Since He is infinite, he is perfect. The result of His not having any needs is that He doesn't need to prove himself. He cannot do anything out of spite. He can't act irrational. He can't bear a grudge. He can't hate. He can't be angry and lash out. He can't have a bad day or month and create a disaster to make Himself feel better.

From his state of perfection, He created all the poverty, wealth, disease, health, anger, sadness, joy and gladness in the world. He created heterosexuality and homosexuality, bisexuality and transsexualism. That which He gives challenges and difficulties to people can't be malicious. In fact, when we say, "It's all for the best", It's not that we just have faith. If you believe in God, this has to be true. It has to be for the best because there really is no other option.

For me though there is a clear gap between belief and implementation, between knowing and doing.

Based on what I have written, I should understand that my homosexuality is critical to my existence. I need it and it is for the best. I should not be angry with God because he would never have given me this challenge without it being exactly what is perfect for me.

Yet, I am human. I am still angry. There are still many questions; What possible good can come from this loneliness and pain? What exactly does He want from me at this point? Why does this area of my life dominate the very core of my being so powerfully? Why can't I feel good about myself and my personal accomplishments?

I ask myself if I am blaming Him for a self made predicament. I chose to get married and thus far I choose to stay married. I chose to have children. I choose to stay in the closet. Is this all my own doing?

At the same time, at every point in my life in which those decisions were made it all seemed to make sense. I don't know that I could have done any different. Maybe this is all part of the "good"? Is this "all for the best"?

I have no answers. I don't know that I ever will. The questions really make it difficult though to connect with Hashem. It's hard to connect with something that I associate with so much pain.

I still daven and learn every day. I still put keep kosher and shabbos. I do it because I believe it is the correct thing. The problem is that the meaning and beauty of it is gone because I can't break down the barrier that should allow me to use these mitzvos as a means for connection.

I hope this all makes sense. This topic is far from over. I wanted to get some initial thoughts on the table. I hope you can share your thoughts so that I (we) can continue to challenge myself (ourselves) and together we can develop and grow to get some clarity in this area.

Thank you for reading and sharing.