I know that there are people that will criticize me for one, two or all three of being frum, gay & married. There will be valid points to your criticism. That said; you are not going to find me being an apologist for any of them. As you will see, life took me to where I am today. Where I go from here is another question that has yet to be answered.
I will talk about my background in future posts but for a short intro; I grew up in your typical baal habatish household. I am the second of 5 children. I went through your standard yeshivish yeshiva's, got married and went to kollel for 2 years. I am now a successful business man, well respected for torah, tzedaka and chesed within the community in which I live. I am straight acting and could be sitting next to you at the yeshiva dinner, I could be your shul's favorite chazan and our kids can be best friends. I could be a mispallel in your shul listening to the Rov talk about the perverts and mishkav zochornicks supporting gay marriage.
I am writing this blog for a few reasons. I have been living in solitude with this secret for many years. It can sometimes be the epitome of loneliness. The burden of shouldering this on my own is overwhelming. You can tell people about a disease you have. You can tell them about business challenges or even marital issues you might be having. As a frum man, you can not turn to your friends during leining or at the shul kiddush and say, "I am in terrible pain. I am trying to balance this whole gay thing and my frumkeit, any ideas...? Pass the kishka...". Who is there for me to turn too? Should I tell my wife? My close friends? My chavrusa? I reiterate, I am lonely and in pain. I am convinced there are other people like me out there. I want them to know that they are not alone. I want to have the opportunity to hear from them and share my experience with them.
I hope that if you are reading this you can have an open mind, an open heart and display what klal yisroel is know as; rachmanim.
I look forward to a continued conversation.
I was so touched by your story.. Mine is quite similar. I am frum, married and have a strong attarction to me. I am a professional men well respected, and well educated secularly and religiously. I give a shiur in my shul and am a well respected community member.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I have been married for over ten years. People who know us look at us as a strong couple.
I have always had attraction to men. Before i was married i thought that every man desire for men. I had no one to talk to about this. I thought that this is why there was a prohibition against homosexual relationships in the torah. Like incest or other forbidden relationships, this was another one that every man was capable of.
Before I was married I was in a panic. I was afraid that I would not be able to be intimate with my wife. I spoke to my Rav who assured me that everything would straighten out once I was married.....
I bh was able to perform my marital duties.
As the years have gone by my desire for men has seemed to increased. I realize that not every man goes throught this and that I am gay.