Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The depth of my pain...

Last night was from the most difficult nights of my life. I have never cried so much and with so much depth in my pain and tears.

I am trying so hard. I don't know what I could be doing more or better. I am in a downward spiral. I hope that I don't end up hurting myself.

I feel like I am Tom Hanks in Castaway. I am on my own desert island. I am trapped without anyone knowing where I am. The few that have seen my SOS sign in the sand continue to fly overhead thinking that it is one big joke.

It's not a joke. My therapist told me a few weeks ago that me and my wifes situation is the hardest one hes encountered in his many years of giving therapy. He mentioned dealing with people who have lost children. He says ours is the hardest because we love each other and every which way we turn there are layers of complication that bring further layers of complication. At the same time he is so overwhelmingly busy that even in the depths of my despair I can't seem to get an appointment with him. You'd think he would find time for what he bills his hardest case in his career? He is just the therapist through this. My wife and I are the actual ones suffering. I got a sarcastic passive aggressive message from him this morning laying on the guilt for me having the gall to try to push him past his full schedule. I therefore have decided to end my 12 years of therapy with him this evening and move on. I need someone that can be there for me through times that I feel suicidal and that I want to end the pain and can find the time for an emergency.

I need hope. I need clarity. I need to feel love. Hashem and his Torah are not supplying that to me at this time. The Rabbi's are not supplying it to me at this time.

I thank my select group of friends for being there for me but I cant keep burdening them with all my emotional instability.

I don't know how to balance my responsibilities as a father, husband, businessman, Jew, friend etc without losing my mind.

To be continued...

9 comments:

  1. Changing therapists cannot hurt. Their job is to ask the right questions and get paid. Only you can decide what is in your best interest, but before you throw the babies out with the bathwater, what makes you think a gay relationship will take the blues away? You have a lot to lose besides oylom haba. People aren't nice. Protect yourself. I'm sorry rabbis aren't supportive. They care more about their own image than people's needs. But, your neshoma knows, your inner core, what is best for you. Those who have given up family, Torah, and found inner peace as gay spirits receive validation if you do the same. Reflect upon what you truly value.

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  2. Corey Yoquelet (yoquelet@gmail.com)March 20, 2012 at 11:51 AM

    I just came back to your blog to contact you and let you know that you have struck me and I am wishing you and your family well. And I saw this. I do not know you, but I have read enough to know that the world deserves to have you in it, and that you deserve to be here. If you are in a crisis, please seek help immediately. Help is there. And, there is hope.

    Heart, my lovely hobo, you
    Remember, then, that afternoon in Venice
    When all the pigeons rose flooding the piazza
    Like a vaulted ceiling. That was you
    and you alone who grinned.
    Fat as an oyster,
    pulpy as a plum,
    raw, exposed, naïve,
    dumb. As if love
    could be curbed, and grace
    could save you from the daily beatings.
    Those blue jewels of flowers in the arbor
    that the bees loved. Oh, there’ll be other
    flowers, a cat maybe beside the bougainvillea,
    a little boat with flags glittering in the harbor
    to make you laugh,
    to make you spiral once more.
    Not this throbbing.
    This.

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  3. Hi. Respectfully, if I were your wife, I would welcome an amicable separation, so long as you provide for your children and remain present in their maturing lives. As your wife, I would appreciate a thorough explanation in writing and that you express yourself honestly from henceforth. Generations can learn from your struggle, so long as you maintain a semblance of integrity. Even as this generation descends into tovu va vohu, there is emunah to be acknowledged. And Yitzchak's father did untie him, eventually. It's as much a test for you to overcome as it is for your loved ones to understand, so don't be afraid to mess up occasionally. There is a burgeoning community that is awakening to their unique responsibilities. Shalom.

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  4. Respectfully, nobody has the right to speak for anybody's wife unless they are. In the frum community, nobody wants to be talked about negatively, and gender issues are not the norm. But, they are for those who face them. Is sexual fulfillment or the lack of interest reason to leave life or a marriage? These are personal questions. If sex is a basic instinct, so is survival.

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  5. Dear Orthodox, Gay and Married,
    You can do this. You are confronting the source of true pain, and that is one of the hardest things that people can ever do, and that is really admirable. I have received hope from pieces you have written in this blog, and I believe that you will continue to push through this and that will continue to give hope to myself and others.
    Take care of yourself. That is the most important thing.

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  6. But is life out as a gay man better than Jewish life with an intact family? What about their pain? They've been brought up to conform. You, too.

    If after a gay affair you think life out as a gay person of gender will bring you peace, you'll know for sure. But, what is the "source of true pain?"

    SSA?

    Sexual frustration?

    Core gay identity?

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  7. It's interesting how you wrote that you may come out because it's the only option besides for hurting yourself. I'm a little confused, because I think you came out a long time ago when you started this blog. Granted it's anonymous, but my point is that you already declared yourself gay way before you started this exploration process with your wife. It sounds like its not so certain though.

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  8. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/19/magazine/therapists-who-help-people-stay-in-the-closet.html?pagewanted=all

    u have to ask urself which versions of urself are more important? ur choice is doubly hard as what u choose to do will effect not only u but ur wife and children as well despite what we might pretend having a gay father and husband wont go down easy in the orthodox community and ur family will have to share in the shame that will be meaningfully or not placed on urself and ur family u really are stuck between a rock and a hard place i wish u the best of luck in trying to forge a path in such treacherous terrain

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  9. Agreed with Poopoo (above), about our emunah and the example we will set for the next generations.......

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