Protecting pedophiles and child molestors... There are no words

I do not want to comment yet. I would like the article to speak for itself. I will write another blog entry with my feelings in relation to this.

Click here for the article...

5/14 - 9:25am

In speaking with someone close to the story, I will say that I am not using this article as a condemnation of the accused. I do not know if his admission of guilt was to protect himself from a longer prison sentence. I am using the article to demonstrate the fallibility of rabbonim as it relates to supporting an abuser as opposed to the victim and the ramifications that causes to abuse victims at large.
 

The Bonfire and the Gentle Flame

My brain heats up. My soul catches fire. My heart explodes into a bonfire of confusion.

At the expense of my burning eyes, I stare into the flame as I tiptoe slowly toward the heat of its core.

I see it's many colors. I see the orange of regret. Red of hate. The purple of confusion. The blue of hope and the yellow of a brighter day.

The fire slowly builds. It's potency is commensurate to the intensity of my gaze. I focus, watching the colors synthesize, converge and marry.

While the colors dance to the sound of popping twigs; confusion and doubt ensue. I attempt to reconcile the complexity of this merger. My senses are feeling overwhelmed.

I lower my gaze.

My eyes weaken and my focus wanes. The wind blows and the popping sounds calm. The colors dim, isolate, and detach.

For a moment I enjoy its simplicity. Colors compartmentalized. Intensity faded. The bonfire has transformed into a gentle and manageable flame.

I notice though that with this peace comes a lack of character. The fire seems mundane and without meaning. My brain is dulled. My soul exists, but without spirit. Yet, a strong force pulls me to its innocence and purity.

I ask myself, do I prefer the complexity of the bonfire or the simplicity of the gentle flame?

So embarrassing...

So a (non Jewish) co-worker of mine is at a mall yesterday. He walks up to the jewelry department and sees a frum woman arguing with the sales person. The sales person says she can only look at one piece of jewelry at a time. The woman though, wants to look at 3 at one time. They are arguing back and forth.

My co-worker is on his cell and mentions the name of the company I work for.

She turns to him and goes, "You work at ....? Do you know ...?", Asking him if he knows me. He answers that he does. She asks him "Does he still wear his yarmulka"?

That was her first question. Not, "How is he doing"? "Does he seem happy" or any other question about my well being. Just wants to have information that can be shared as gossip.

My co-worker answers to her that what I wear or don't wear isn't really any of his business (God bless him).

She continues to prod, he doesn't engage.

She says "ok" and hands my co-worker a business card and tells him that she's there if he needs someone for his real estate transactions.

Straight up embarrassing. I hope she reads this and sees what a fool she is.

PS Friends and neighbors; don't try to guess who it is. It isn't who you are thinking. The one you are thinking of is loving and incredibly respectful.

Things I hate (okay, dislike...)

1) People who say "All things happen for a reason".

2) People who say "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle".

3) People who say "Other people have it worse than you".

4) People who say "Why look to the past?"

5) People who say "Count your blessings".

6) People who say "When you have lemons, make lemonade".

7) People who say "Everyone has challenges", or the yeshivish way, "Everyone has their own peckel".

8) People who say "It's just a taavah".

9) People who minimize abuse victims.

10) People who critique things they have not experienced and can not relate to.

Adding 11) A mentsch tracht un gut lacht. A man plans and God laughs. (Ugh)

Bottom line - just carry your friends burden and say I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am here for you the best that I can be.

If you feel they are hurting themselves and/or they are asking for your advice, preface your response/commentary by saying "I can't relate to what you are going through but this is what comes to mind". Be extremely thoughtful and sensitive.

If you find that you can't respond to this with sensitivity or even if you are unsure; close your mouth. Zip it shut. Not a word.

No, I am not perfect in this regard but yes, I am cognizant of the need to try to be.

Being Deaf (Insert Gay) and Orthodox...

This from a friend of mine, Mordechai Levovitz....


"Being Deaf and Orthodox" an article in a Right Wing Orthodox Magazine outlines a template for Orthodoxy to approach LGBT Jews"


For those of you who get Ami magazine, the Pesach edition, I highly recommend reading the 8 page spread on what it's like being Deaf and Orthodox. Ami Magazine is a right wing Chareidi magazine, pretty accepted in the Black Hat world. The arguments presented in the article prove that within Black Hat Frum Orthodoxy there is a template of thinking that can be very helpful for LGBT people. In the article there are personal narratives, an interview with a therapist, and rabbinical input. It can be easily seen how this thinking can serve as a template within Orthodoxy that may allow for far better understanding of LGBT people and LGBT pride in the Orthodox Community. The article will most likely be incorporated into JQY's training curriculum for Orthodox Mental Health Counselors. You can all feel free to make the connections for yourself. Some Highlights include:

The important of Deaf pride and not being seen as a disability but a difference to be valued:

-"In my deaf world we are proud of our deafness and carry it as a badge of honor. I know this sounds strange to you. Why would we be proud of being "disabled"? But the fact is that to us, deafness is NOT a disability but a different state of being. In our eyes, deaf people are not a subgroup of the disabled, but a minority group." -Rabbi Yehoshua Soudafoff

On the idea of fixing or curing deaf people:

-"I have asked many times if I have ever davened for the ability to hear. My answer is no. I never felt the need to daven for such a thing...I've always felt like a regular person and that there is nothing wrong with me." -Rabbi Yehosuah Soudakoff

-"I wouldn't want a doctor to 'fix me'. This is how G-d created me. This is my Identity". - Zissy Moskowitz (Orthodox interpreter and counselor)

On Orthodox Rabbinic Responses to Deaf People:

-" There is absolutely NO ROOM for being machmir when it comes to deaf people"

On some people coming up with other names or phrases to describe Deaf people:

-"You don't mind if I call you Jewish, do you? It's the same thing. It's who we are, and there is no need to try to invent fancy phrases to say the same thing. We are DEAF DEAF DEAF. (And JEWISH, JEWISH, JEWISH).

On Some Deaf Orthodox Jews needing to look outside of Orthodoxy and Judaism for resources and well-being:

-"...Abandoning their Judaism...I don't blame them (It isnt easy being Jewish and Deaf)."

-" Due to limited facilities for Jewish deaf children, (orthodox) parents reluctantly sent (Child) to St Vincent, a Catholic School."


Deaf Orthodox Jews face a myriad of Hallachic issues from hearing Shofar, Megilla, and Parshas Zachor, to wearing electric hearing aids on Shabbos and using electric lights and resources on shabbos that allow them to respond to their children, safety and the outside world. It is an issue where "different" not "disabled" people are in a category that allows for Hallachic exceptions, but still advocate for pride about their identities. The sentiments expressed in this article, are beautiful, and can help Orthodox parents, leaders, therapists and rabbis, embrace a similar approach to LGBT people in the frum community.

Good Yomtov all.

-Mordechai Levovitz
www.JQYouth.org

Redemption

Redemption does not come naturally. It can take years of servitude to a power you don't think you can overcome.

When you finally put in the effort to break through and maybe it involves a miracle or two, you can then feel redemption.

To each their own on his or her level. Small redemptions add up as well.

We can never allow ourselves to forget where we were and how far we've come.

Happy and healthy Passover to you and yours.

Physical and sexual abuse - "“It could be that the whole thing is a bubbe-mayse (Tall tale)"

When I was a child I suffered physical abuse by the hands of camp counselors for a full 2 month summer in a popular sleep away camp in the Catskills. It is something that I think about often even today 30 years later.

I have been 'blessed' to have never suffered sexual abuse. One can't compare abuses of any kind although I have met many victims of sexual abuse that suffer day in and day out their entire lives. It affects their interpersonal relationships, sexual identities/relationships and haunts them their entire lives sometimes in pain and agony. Many protect their abusers by thinking they deserve to be abused and/or they are terrified to say something.

Here is yet another chillul Hashem of huge proportions in relation to the victims of abuse. Greater the sting due to the stature of the Rabbi being quoted. It perpetuates abuse by protecting the abuser and worrying more about their reputation than it does the victims suffering.

Click here for the article

You want my donation... Are you kidding me???

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a contributor to many charities especially local ones. No one knows to what capacity because I have always kept it to myself.

For the record, there are many people who are reaching out to me for their charities. Be it board members, Rabbi's, rosh yeshivas or volunteers.

Understand that I see right through you. You haven't said a word to me since August. That is when I went through some of the biggest struggles of my life. Yes, it's been 8 months of hell without a word from you. Now you come to me for money. With all my gayness, challenges and lack of your communication, I am all of a sudden acceptable to you and by you to support your organizations.

Know that when I say yes and give your organization a donation, it is because I see past your BS. It is not because you individually are reaching out and/or are connected to it. Again; it is not because of you. It is because I am supporting your organization. I believe in it. I believe in your schools. I believe in children in need. I believe in kids at risk. I believe in giving back to my community.

Your inconsistency is not news to me because while you preach Torah, Avodah and Gemilus Chasadim, you honor people at your dinners and banquets that are crooks and lowlifes. In my line of work I deal with people on a financial scale who have treated me and my team with disrespect and have asked me to preform fraud on various levels. They ask me to do reprehensible acts with their threats and criticism. I of course never give in. These are chillul Hashems on the grandest of levels. At the same time, these are people you honor and show respect to. These are people who represent your organizations.

You clearly know who you are. I don't need to go into details.

I am not a sinner. I don't cheat in business. I treat people with love and respect. Yet, I am only reached out to when I am needed. Please don't prostitute yourself. It is not consistent with your teachings.

You should be ashamed of yourselves for selling your soul for a donation.

PS The irony is that the people from organizations that have kept up with me consistently are the ones that have not asked me at all for donations this year. Go figure.

PPS Just got a call from a Rabbi who is well aware of the struggles that I have gone through. HE is looking for money for his organization. I have heard from twice since this went down. Now and before Sukkos for the same reason. And the fun continues.

Purim; acceptance and hope...

I wanted to take a moment to thank so many people that made my Purim so special. I was very nervous going into the Holiday because it was the first time in about 8 months, since my story went public, that I planned on spending a nice amount of time in my former community. This is a community in which at the time I was outed, while getting a nice amount of support, I got more than my fair share of negativity, sprinkled with some very hurtful false rumors. I felt vulnerable and anxious going in.

A little bit of a back story. The week leading up to Purim was a great week. It had consistency. I was at peace with myself. I accomplished a lot at work. I hung out with a wonderful person who's friendship was recently rekindled. Initially I had planned to be in another city away from home for Purim. It was an incredibly exciting idea. A much hyped Purim party with many of my friends that I hadn't seen in a bit. For some reason that I couldn't quite put my finger on, I woke up on Thursday before my flight, anxious about going. Work was a bit crazy, my week leading up to it was so good, should I be changing my environment by traveling to another city?

I called a friend and presented my dilemma to him. He suggested that staying within my old community was dangerous because there were going to be people drinking heavy. He didn't want me to face people saying mean and insulting things to me. He didn't want me going backwards and creating more resentment in my life. I saw the rationale in his words. He is usually spot on. This time (thankfully) he couldn't have been further off base.

I initially followed his advice. I left town for the big city. I had a nice Thursday night with a friend. Friday morning I again woke up with anxiety. Work was crazy and to be honest, I was homesick. I made a quick and impulsive decision to go home. After many flight delays I got home literally minutes before Shabbos.

Purim came and I went to my old shul for megilla. Everyone I met was incredibly friendly and welcoming. The same thing happened when I went to a friend that evening. I used to go collecting for a local charity on the night of Purim with a bunch of close friends. 8 months ago I would never have thought that I would be doing that again. I was so humbled when I was invited to come along. I joined friends and even my ex-wifes family for this yearly event. I visited many homes of people who know my challenges, many intimately. They still welcomed me with hugs and kisses.

On Purim day I went to an old friend for a big breakfast bash he throws. I was invited to sit up front next to him. I again enjoyed meeting many old friends who showered me with love. I know this is boring and I sound like a broken record but the evening seudah brought me the same experience. At this party I met a number of Rabbi's who I hadn't seen in a while and they treated me with much love and support.

So again, I thank them all and I truly am humbled by their acceptance. This sent a strong message to me. It told me on a personal level that it is possible for me to reintegrate within the community as my comfort level allows. (With as much humility as I can say this) it told me that when one handles himself with class, dignity and grace and allows people time to digest and learn about something that is strange and confusing to them, it pays off in the long run. People who act impulsively and try to go on the offensive tends to push away rather than pull closer (I say that with no judgment).

On a big picture level I wonder if this is a sign for things to come. Could this have happened just a few years back? Is tolerance and sensitivity growing within our community? Can it be that seeing real, genuine and live people struggling with homosexuality gives them cause to rethink their position? I think the answer to all these questions is yes. This should truly be a cause of hope for the many suffering in silence and loneliness. It truly feels like a miracle.

The prayer 'Al Hanissim' certainly had more meaning for me this year. Hopefully more and more for years to come.

Sigh of relief

I feel really good tonight.

Even through some rough challenges, I am at peace with myself.

Something that has been sitting heavy on me for a long time has been reconciled with the kindness of another.

May this feeling stay with me for a while.

Thank you to a friend for being so strong. You inspire me. That's it.

Guest post - For married/divorced men...

This is an important guest post from a person who chooses to remain anonymous for the safety and security of his wife and children. I can vouch for this individuals sincerity and respect and discretion of others.


Let me tell you a bit about me...


I'm a married guy with a family. I went to yeshiva. I daven and learn daily and I am involved in my community. This might sound typical with one caveat; I am gay. This is the secret I lived with through all of my yeshiva years and continue to live with many years later, every day. You see, very few people know whats really going on in my head. Unfortunately and painfully, this is something I can't share with my wife either. The loneliness is unbearable at times. I'm sure there are others out there like myself but its way too dangerous to go looking. It got me thinking; What if we were able to create a safe community in which we can finally feel unashamed of who we are? A community with no agenda other than people like us having a safe place to be themselves. A place where we can share and support each other. I envision this having both an Internet based and therapist led discussion groups. Being that we are married, discretion is a must and all participants will be vetted. No one will ever have to reveal any information tied to identity. At this point I am in developmental stages of this idea. If you are married/divorced and have interest, please email me with ideas or questions at marriedfrumgay@gmail.com. Please include your age and city (if you are comfortable). I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Some humor

I figure it's okay to laugh at ourselves every so often.

Disclaimer - if you are a prude and easily offended, please don't watch. 

Two songs from the Broadway musical 'Book of Mormon'. As you will see, these songs are not specifically about Mormon. They are universal to all religions. Mormon is just an easy target.

This one is about how we are taught to shut ourselves down and suppress our feelings. Sometimes I wish I was someone that can do this. I have too many friends that can...

Turn it off

This next one is quite a deep song and somewhat moving. Just switch the Mormon specific lyrics for any other religion and things we might simply believe because we are told to. (The guy is just missing his yarmulka and tzitzis)

I believe

I hope you enjoyed.

Eshel Part 2; Unity

Like angels in the sky
in a garden full of glory
the galaxies so brilliantly related
ultimately high
on that first page of our story

The shabbaton started with davening on Friday night. I had been to support groups in the past, both for JQY or Jewish Queer Youth (An organization based in NYC who's primary objective is to give support to young men and woman struggling with issues related to being LGBT, please see www.jqyouth.org) and a non-religious (and non-agenda driven) support group for gay married men (If you would like information about this group, please email me). When I went to these groups which had about 10-20 people, I was scared and overwhelmed.

Fast forward to Eshel. Walking in on 120 or more people made me feel like a deer in headlights. At first I stood in the back of the shul and observed. I couldn’t bring myself to sit down. As davening continued with the singing of kabbalas Shabbos, I suddenly found myself feeling the warmth of the room rush through my body. There were opening remarks that further made me feel like I was finding a new family.

By the time Maariv came along I gathered the courage and decided to find my way to the middle of the shul. As I walked toward one of the few open seats I was greeted with wide and welcoming smiles. People vigorously shook my hand and said good Shabbos. I was part of something rich. A feeling of camaraderie took hold of me that I had never felt before.

So listen brother, listen friend
Just a little smile, a helping hand
And we all will find a loving kind humanity
We must teach our children to
Treat your fellow friends like they were you
And then we all find some peace of mind and unity

I found myself thinking, 'How can most of the world and specifically many in the Orthodox Jewish community shun us? This was more beautiful a davening than I had experienced in many years. Growing up ultra-orthodox I had davened in the frumest of yeshivos and shuls in the world. The achdus I felt here far surpassed other davening experiences.

How can the Rabbi's be judgmental of people? People who kept a secret and burden to themselves in pain and agony for most of their lives? People who come together in a show of love with struggles a heterosexual person can never even imagine or relate to? Where is their heart? They pity the agunah who can't get married (but potentially has the ability to). They pity the world's other sorrows. It is more comfortable to look away and be silent when it is something that can not be related to.


Ages rushing by
Writing chapters full of sorrow
Webs of self destruction, we are weaving
Because if we don’t even try
There’s no hope for our tomorrow
So what’s it all worth if we are not achieving?

There were workshops that educated and inspired. My favorite was the rebuttal of a recent Rosh Yeshiva's essay on homosexuality that was both factually wrong and hashkafically incorrect. I humbly suggest 'al tadin es chavercha ad shetagiya l'mkomo'. This translates to 'Do not judge a friend until you reach his place' commonly known as until you walk in his shoes.

There was a beautiful and intimate program led by Rabbi's, professionals and community leaders. This allowed small groups of people to talk about feelings that arose over the weekend on a very personal level. I was inspired and heart broken by things that came up in that group.

Lastly I wanted to talk about the closing sessions. Perhaps this was the most moving of the entire experience for me. As the attendees entered the auditorium, everyone was asked to create a circle. Everyone interlocked with the people on both sides of them. Either they put their arm around the next persons shoulder or they held their neighbors hand. This became a circle of love. A circle of intimate connection. A circle of a people, many struggling to fit in on some level having an electric burst of energy pass from soul to soul.

We sang songs as one. I imagined Hashem smiling down at us and accepting our songs up to the depth of his heavens.

One of the leaders then spoke and thanked various individuals who spearheaded the Shabbos event.

He then said something that moved me to tears and I cry as I write this. I paraphrase, but this was the idea. He first talked about the strength of the people who came to the event. He talked about how brave they are because many did it at risk to themselves on various levels. Here is where I choked up. He asked everyone to take a moment to think about the people that could not be there. People who are scared. People who suffer quietly and have no one to turn to. I added in my mind, people who fear their communities, families and friends reaction to their potential disclosure. People who end up conforming to societies norms. They live out their years in various stages of pain and denial, yearning for an intimacy they will never have. I hear from too many people who reach out to me through this blog. People who are married. People who are single and looking for love and guidance. Lastly, people who are single and dating (women). The married people talk about how their families feel their depression. They don't understand. Husbands or wives not understanding the lack of intimacy that is being shown them. They feel caged and frightened. Single men and woman that are confused and have many questions. These people are your brothers, sisters, parents, children and close friends. I do not judge. I can only speak from my experience and what people have shared.

One year ago that was me. I had lived 35+ years, married, frum and with a pain that pierced the depth of my heart. I was terrified to go to the Eshel shabbaton. This year I went. I went with the world knowing my secret. I went with a million pound burden lifted off my shoulder. I left exhilarated, knowing that I am loved for who I am, not for who the world wanted me to be.

When the leader asked people to step into the circle to share, I was scared. I knew what I wanted to share but I couldn't gather the strength. Finally as they were about done, I stepped in and shared the feelings I shared above. Before I could even finish, there was a beautiful and rousing sound of applause that gave me a final burst of emotion.

Children; teenagers, adults of any age, please know that there are many people who were in your shoes. Know that you are not alone. Reach out to people that can help you and love you. You can not learn to love others until you love yourself. Learn to love yourself. Release the burden.

I left the event hugging and kissing the new friends I made, feeling inspired, a sense of responsibility and for the first time in a while a surge of hope.

One thing makes me smile
now at last a happy ending
a universal union undivided
just a little while
we will join the angels singing
peace and love across the world united.

PS Lyrics are from Unity by Mordechai Ben David

An Open Letter to Yeshiva World News

This letter is so important. It was written by a friend Yitz Jordan otherwise known by his stage name Y-Love. Yitz became a Ger (Jewish convert) a number of years ago. He has been accused of becoming a ger to hide his homosexuality.

Here is his beautiful yet heart wrenching response to the accusation. While I did not go through Geirus (conversion) as I am a Jew from birth, I can relate in so many ways to his story and struggle with reconciling God, Torah and homosexuality.

Response from Yitz

Yitz; I love, support you and share your burden.

The power of words...

I had to share this.

I was just messaging with a friend.

Knowing that I have my ups and downs, he offered his phone number to me so that I can call him if I need to talk.

Me - Thanks. I think I will take you up on that. How much do you charge?

Him - You get a pro rate of nothing - All I ask for is friendship.

I was moved immediately when those words came up on my screen.

So elegant, yet so simple. A show of love but at the same time vulnerability. There is no better combination of emotions that speaks to me so intimately.

I can't think of a better response. Without any doubts, I offer him my friendship.

I thank him for making me smile.

Time out to give thanks

As I have mentioned in blog posts before, I have always had a struggle with my relationship with God.

That said; even in my struggles, every so often something in my life happens that I can't help but look away from my challenges and say thank you.

Now is one of those times.

Thank you God for the kindness you bestowed upon me this evening.

Feeling whole... Eshel part 1

I knew what it felt like to be alone. 

I now know what it feels like to be together.

A little more than a year ago when I was still 'in the closet', I had only 2 people that knew I was gay, my therapist and my best friend. What I would commonly do is search the web for all things Jewish and gay. I came across a website called Eshelonline.org. They were promoting a Shabbaton sponsored by a group called Eshel. They were presenting it as 'The Eshel Shabbaton; A Weekend of Community, Learning and Ruach for Frum LGBT Jews'. When I found out, I wrote about my feelings here. In summary, the worst feeling that I had was having a burden and not having anyone to share it with. Knowing that there was a whole Shabbos in which people challenged with the same secret as mine got together as a community, broke my heart. I couldn't go and it hurt.

For those who don't know; LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender people.

My gut tells me that there is a big group of people that just read that and became uncomfortable.

I have been there. Until this past year I had not met someone that I knew to be a Jewish, orthodox, lesbian, bisexual or transgender individual. I knew myself to be gay or maybe bisexual at the time. Other than that, I knew no one else.

Please read that again. "I knew myself to be gay or maybe bisexual at the time. Other than that I knew no one else." Please stop for a moment and see if you can find the power in that statement. Read it again if you must. I challenge you to contemplate your level of sensitivity if you don't feel for where I was at that time. The only person that I knew with this struggle was myself. Do you have any idea how lonely and painful that is? Do you realize that this could be your brother or sister suffering intensely? Your father or mother in unbearable pain? Your son or daughter who is doing horribly in school because this is all they focus on? Your spouse who you can't understand why they have such a hard time  experiencing intimacy with you? Your best friend?

If the stats are right that one in every 10 people are gay, every minyan that you go to, statistically one person is gay. In Mir Yeshiva, the biggest yeshiva in the world their are 7,000 students. Statistically 700 of them might be gay. If you want to say one in 20 people are gay than 350 of them are. If you have 9 siblings.... you get my point. The list goes on and on.

How many feel alone? Every single one.

Can I say that every one of them is suffering on the same level? No. I can share with you that I continue to receive emails both through my blog and from people that heard my story of which 99% of whom are thoroughly depressed. There are teenagers that want to hurt themselves. There are adults, mostly married,  that want to kill themselves. The words they use over and over are hurt, pain, depression and worst of all 'alone'.

A year later I found myself in Falls Village, CT at the 3rd annual Eshel Shabaton.

The first thing I noticed was the diversity of the crowd. It was like a Friday night davening at the kotel. There were Rabbi's, Chasidim, heimish and modern, frum and ex-frum men and woman. I would say that most of the ex-frum were those in their 20's and 30's. There were woman who wore sheitels and others with spiked and colored hair. There were boys as young as 17 to adults as old as in their 60's or even older. There were married individuals whose spouses did not know they were there. There were others whose families have no idea of their sexual orientation. There were doctors and lawyers, businessmen and students. People that came from Israel, Canada and places all over the USA.

There are those that plan on being celibate their whole lives. There were others who are completely frum and brought their partners and children.

It was an amazingly diverse crowd.

With all this diversity though, we were together. We were whole. We were one. We laughed together. We cried together. We sang and danced together. Mostly though, as we authentically shared our experiences and struggles together, we gently allowed ourselves to carry each others burdens. We were exhilarated, as through the togetherness, the burdens started to get lighter and looser.

To be continued....

Relief

I don't have a lot of time to write now but I wanted to share that I am doing really well.

My last 3 or 4 entries came from some deep, difficult and painful places. I am doing a lot better now.

I returned to a place I am staying for the first time since experiencing some deep pain and hurt. I still have ambiguity from the experience. I expected upon return to be in a difficult place. I have reached down deep and found strength. It has been a lot easier than I thought.

I went to the Eshel shabbaton this weekend. This is where Jewish people of all denominations and from all parts of the world who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender come to learn together, daven together and share of themselves. It was a wonderful experience. I will write about it more over the coming days. It was amazing meeting everyone and making new friends that share my struggle on various levels. It has reinvigorated me. 

I am amazed by the brave people who had the strength to attend. I am deeply saddened for all the people who carry this burden on their own and couldn't attend. They certainly outnumber the attendees by far. That is a commentary on society which I again will address in later posts.

(I will be respecting the rule of confidentiality that we agree to when going to this event.)

A few thousand people have read my blog over the last few weeks. Thank you to those who recently chose to reach out and give me the love and support that you had while I struggled deeply. Your kindness and sensitivity stands out in a world where most are silent.

Thank you again.

Standards, ambiguity and (my lack of) Restraint....

I want to preface this by saying that overall I am doing pretty well. It's the nights that tend to get lonely. I pray that my next entry will be more upbeat.

I'd like to write about a problem I think many of us share but I think is a mistake. I will then share something personal (As if this blog otherwise is not personal :-).

The challenge is that we have an expectation that the rest of the world should live up to our personal standards.

If we have a high standard in an area of kindness we want others to meet that level. If we go out of the way to show love to someone in need, we think lesser of the world for not expressing that love to us when we need it. If there is something we don't say because we find it offensive, we can never understand how another person can talk that way to us.

I obviously know that one can never live with this attitude simply because it is unrealistic and they will always be let down. We are all different and have our own standards. That's what makes this world so interesting.

Here's where I drive myself mad though. I find myself lowering my own standards because I am trying to adapt to others. An example is; I want badly to share vulnerability with some friends but  I won't necessarily do it because I don't think they would be vulnerable to me. Another; I want badly to reach out to a friend to see how he is doing but I am thinking that he is holding back and would have a hard time doing the same for me. So I fight an incredibly hard battle within myself. Do I cave to my emotions or not.

I hate it because it is so unnatural to me. It is not in line with my core. I need to do what I feel is right. This is where I tend to let myself down. I usually end up giving in because I lose the battle of restraint. I don't play by my own rules. I can't control my need. Once I give in there is self loathing because I feel I've lost the inner battle again. I want to live true to myself. I can ultimately deal with the fact that people won't live up to my standards, but I loathe the fact that it seems so easy for them not to.

I may be a romantic but sometimes I wish others would break the rules. Break rules in ways that benefit me. Break rules that we set between each other. Break rules of conformity and meet a standard they may not typically allow for themselves. Show me that they care.

So I end up over thinking it. Do they care for me? Do they think I don't care for them? Do they even care if I care? Do they care for me enough that they are scared of hurting me? So I end up with the feeling I hate most, ambiguity. Lack of clarity.

Then I end up blogging about it in the wee hours of the morning because the thoughts fill my mind.

And then I ask yet again; why am I so damn hard on myself?


PS I don't know if some of these posts are helping people. I apologize if they don't seem to be. Sometimes I need to write to help myself. You ask why I don't just write it and then keep it personal. The answer is twofold; firstly that I allow myself to be selfish for me sometimes and second, I hope I am getting a message out and potentially helping someone, somewhere.

Loss...

I hate loss. It encompasses my every thought. A minute feels like a day and a day like a week and so on. In the moment it seems like it will never end.

The recent weeks have been from the longest weeks of my life. I would say I'm glad this one is over but I know Shabbos will be one of the longest shabbosim of my life. Who knows what next week will bring? My guess is continued pain.

I am not privy to updated information that I am needing badly. The lack of knowledge is eating me up. I wonder if it's bad news that is being kept from me. Then I wonder if hearing bad news is better than not hearing anything at all.

What can I fill the emptiness with? I don't know. I just wish I wasn't consistently teased by God. I wish I could have the strength to avoid complete loss by finding within myself a way to maintain some of what I had. I need it very badly. Why do I go to extremes?

Some of you know what it is I am struggling with. The others that don't, please forgive me for the cryptic nature of this post. I needed to write about this the best I could.

I've cried enough tears this week for a year, maybe 5 or 10. Why do I torture myself so?

PS 01/12/13 11:30pm Shabbos has come and gone. It was actually really nice and relaxing. First time in a while. Went to all 3 tefillos which isn't common when I have the kids exclusively. I again focused and thought about what I was saying. I was expecting Motzei Shabbos to be rough because there is something I would wait for every Motzei Shabbos for the last number of months that I was confident I wouldn't get this week (and I was right). Some friends helped me through and I am doing really good. Have a great week everyone.

Making decisions...

I've been thinking things over. I wanted to share some things I am working on. Some of these are decisions I have made the last couple days and others I have been working on for a while.

1) Over the last few months I was testing the waters to see if I wanted to move. I know this isn't earth shattering news for anyone but I have decided for the foreseeable future to stay in the town I have lived in for the recent 13 years. I am putting the idea of moving on hold. I need the stability of friends, work and routine that I have out here even at the loss of ease of travel and potential friendships/social connections that I was hoping for in the other location. For the new friends that I made the last few months, I thank you and continue to admire and respect you. Keep in touch. Who knows what time will bring but for now I am staying put.

2) I am minimizing things in my life that I became dependent on. Smoking was an addiction. It's been over 3 months since I have had a cigarette.
Drinking was not at the point of addiction but I was overdoing it to sometimes mask my pain. I have not had a drink in a longer period of time than it's been for months and I intend to continue.
Eating; I am at my lowest weight since 1995. Unfortunately a lot of that has been because of a loss of appetite but at the same time I have been exercising and working hard to eat less and more healthy.

3) Facebook - Hard to realize while you are in it what an addiction it is. I am not saying that to everyone its an addiction but I am certainly saying it about me. In my most difficult times I found myself posting things a little too personal and a little too often only to remind myself the next day that it probably was not a very good idea. That said, it's only been two days since I have deactivated my account and I am going a little stir crazy. I find myself subconsciously clicking the link at work only for it to ask for my password. Than I remind myself that I don't have it. Same with my iPhone. Constantly clicking the app. My gut tells me this won't go on forever and I'll be back on Facebook at some point but I need to prove to myself I can stay off for a bit.

4) Impulsiveness - 2 areas I need to work on. First is making quick decisions that I sometimes regret. As I stated in my last post both my highs and lows are incredibly intense. When I am in either of those places I find myself making decisions that aren't the best for me. I than beat myself up really hard for making those decisions. It is an incredibly vicious cycle. I believe everyone in a state of vulnerability needs someone  to have accessible. Be it a friend, spiritual guide or a therapist to run the dilemma by before making a decision that can be regretted later. We are too subjective. That person in my life has been gracious enough to identify himself to me. To be continued on how that goes. 

Second is staying away from putting myself into situations that can cause me to make mistakes. Examples for some might be that a person struggling with alcohol, should not go to a bar under the guise of socializing. An ex-smoker shouldn't go out with his co-workers on cigarette breaks just to keep them company. Without going into detail I have made mistakes and have hurt people in ways because of this challenge.  Regret eats me on the inside and makes my whole body feel numb and empty. At times I hate myself for it. Bringing me to my next point.....

5) Lastly, I need to stop being so damn hard on myself. Even with all said here and in my previous post; when I make mistakes I need to give myself room. I have to stop judging myself. I am vulnerable. I feel intensely. I will stumble. I will fall. At times I have stumbled and I have fallen. Through the summer I was keen on saying "I am Titanium". I felt that way for a while. I have questioned myself a lot recently. How strong am I really? How much can I handle? I need to live for today and not beat myself up over yesterday. I need to live for today and not stress about tomorrow. 

I need my friends and family to remind me of these decisions but to also remind me that a lot is going on and I absolutely can not beat myself hard when I perceive myself as having messed up.

PS A message to my friends and family... The last few months have been very intense; it was wonderful at times, and well, lets just say quite complicated at times. I still love you (intensely). Thank you for being there. Even if I don't always show the appreciation, I still thank you and I need you in my life. Please continue to reach out. Please don't feel bad when I don't always respond. I know I make it difficult for you at times. Please continue to give me support and remind me that I am loved for my strengths and my faults alike.

Emotional intensity...

I am having some intense ups and downs right now. I have regrets that I know I can't do anything about. I have hurt from various people in my life. I am having a hard time controlling and coming to terms with them. My life is taking me to many different geographical locations on too frequent a basis. It is exhausting to say the least. I am trying to make decisions on where I should ultimately live. There are strong arguments for each location. Because I go to my family every other week for 4-5 days, dominating my mind is the ease of travel to and from one location over the other. One is a simple train, the other a flight.

There are social advantages and social disadvantages in each place. In the city I live in primarily, I can count on my fingers the amount of people I know that struggle with homosexuality in the face of Judaism There are no support groups. Even the few that I know exist, none have a similar upbringing to mine.  In one of the other places I am considering, there are tens, if not hundreds of people along the spectrum in this struggle.

There are real financial considerations that are heavily weighing on me day in and day out.

There are considerations as it relates to religion. I am trying to negotiate myself through understanding and being comfortable with who I am frum-wise. I must consider where I live to have the best chance to balance, soul search and 'find' myself in this area.
There are a number of other difficulties that are too personal to talk about here.

My challenge is that I am not finding that I have the emotional and practical smarts right now to know how to make these decisions. My therapist understandably is giving me tools to help me allow myself permission to be indecisive. He is not clearly helping me make decisions. I don't think that is his job though.

There are people in my life that have been there for me in the past. They have allowed me to show vulnerability and cry to them when I have needed to. Some of these people are not allowing me this privilege anymore. This has traumatized me as it relates to sharing with anyone. I feel so bad sharing anything with others at this point. I second guess if my friends and family care to hear about my challenges because I have others in my life that don't. So I keep it inside. I then allow myself to live in my head. When I think too much, nothing good happens. My mind and my stomach burn slowly. My appetite lowers and sleep is close to non-existent. I have been trying to keep myself busy by doing things that make me feel good. Exercising, working harder, learning with my chavrusa b'iyun so that I really can exercise my mind.

For the first time in a while I have found myself talking with Hashem when I daven. The conversation is not particularly friendly but it is a conversation nonetheless.

I sometimes want to scream. I many times want to cry. At select times (Those times that alcoholics call a moment of clarity) I am incredibly happy. I recently spent a few days on vacation with my oldest son. While it was only a few days, we took advantage of the time. It was a wonderful experience that brought me positive motivation and outlook. I spoke with him about some intimate feelings that I was experiencing. Him using his smarts way past his years, was more mature, sensitive and understanding than some people double and triple his age.

Either way, as it has always been; my highs are incredibly high and intense and my lows are intensely low. I feel like a lot of my challenges are situational but various obligations keep me from accomplishing in those areas. Even if I did not struggle with this and had the perfect marriage, the intensity of my job alone would make my life overwhelming. Throw in there all these other elements and it many (most) times seems unmanageable.

My choices brought me here. I don't know that my mind allowed me control in those decisions at the time. No difference. I take responsibility for the results of my actions. Unfortunately, that knowledge and acceptance doesn't practically make this any easier.

I hope and pray that I can find the tools I need to get past this period in my life. I am working on compartmentalizing the various hurdles that I have, so that it seems like life is under control. I have fought through so much for so long. My history tells me that at some point I will find the resolve to fight my way through this and sort it all out. Some peace of mind and clarity in my life would be so appreciated right now, even if just for a small extended period of time.


PS I feel good that I got this out. :-)


PPS To the many people that have reached out through email (and that know me and call) that are struggling with their sexuality and abuse (or both), I am sorry that I can't be the most supportive right now. I love you. I respect you for your challenges and support you deeply. I share your pain with you. I am sorry, but at times my own struggles don't allow me to be there for myself, let alone for others. Please keep on checking in though. At some point I will be there for you.

Lesson that I learned (once again) today...

I've spoken about the concept of how a small gesture can uplift someones world. A touch, a hug or a phone call. If a friend mentioned something to you a month ago that was bothering him, send him a text, an email or give him a call to ask about it. Inevitably he will say, "You remembered?" and feel like a million dollars.

Back to the hug. I don't mean the big masculine hug where you barely touch chests and bang each other twice on the back. Even straight guys can appreciate a a hug where another guy wraps his arms around you and squeezes. That's a beautiful mode of communication. It builds someone up. It motivates them to do the same to others. It might take what was a lousy day and give them a 'pep in their step' for the rest of the day or longer.

On the other side is the passive aggressive nature of some (many times subconsciously) . When you are down and going through what seems to be difficult challenges and you knows your friend(s) are aware. Yet they don't reach out. It might be someone that you lifted up in the past but now that he is down he has forgotten you. The friend doesn't send you a text saying, 'I'm thinking about you'. Or a text saying, 'I love you and wish I could be there with you but I am going through some stuff myself'. We have to remember that not everyone who goes through a hard time always wants to talk but they still want to feel love. I am not saying that we are by nature altruistic but we can still make someone feel good even if we aren't getting anything seemingly in return.

I learned this lesson today... Unfortunately I was on the other side of the coin... And I cried... It hurt... It could have been so easy for him... And I cried some more...

I will do my best to be there for others who need it, to give you a word, a hug or simply touch your hand. I am sorry if I haven't been there if you have needed me. I will try to better myself in this area.

Fighting a good cause

JONAH lawsuit

It's about time. Please don't argue that it helps some, because even if that is true (which is clearly debatable), it hurts and kills many more.

Giving Thanks...

It's been over 2 months since my last post on September 14th.

I have been asked numerous times over the last couple of months when I would be posting again. People tell me they check often to see if anything new is up. When I was asked most recently, I stopped and thought about it for a minute. I realized that my writing mostly has come from conflict and pain. When I am hurting, the words spill out and my fingers move faster than my brain thinks.

I'll never forget the time that my friend Chaim who writes a blog at http://gottagivemhope.blogspot.com/ asked me to guest post on his website. The link is Here. I wrote it in a half hour. I was in one of my worst, most deeply painful places when I wrote that. I feel like it is from my best writing though.

The great news is that outside of a few isolated incidents I am in a really good place right now. I have never been more proud, confident and honest in my entire life. I therefore haven't had the drive or motivation to write much.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to take a few moments to talk about the things I am most thankful for.

I am most thankful for the love and support of my ex-wife. While times haven't always been perfect, she has shown exceptional strength and courage through our challenges. As word was getting out about my being gay and negativity started rearing its ugly head, this is what my wife (at the time) posted to the public on Facebook;

My dearest *****,
I want to start out by saying I love you. Before I go any further, if for some reason, u don't make it thru this letter, I wanna make sure u know I love u.
I can't begin to understand what life is like for u. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be you right now. Especially after all you've done for so many people only to have many of them turn their backs on u. You know what they say, that usually that means they see a little of u in themselves. They can't deal. Because they know how amazing u are. They know that u have the biggest heart of any man alive. They know that it took more courage and strength for you to be you than they will ever have in their whole lives. They are jealous. "They" are insignificant. "They" didn't get to spend 18 years with u. "They" didn't get to have the most amazing kids on the planet with u. "They" didn't get to grow and learn with u and from u the way I have. "They" are "pots calling the kettle black". What happened to "love thy neighbor". What happened to not judging? Not casting stones? Not speaking Loshon Horah? Nothing. They are still there. In neon lights. Blazing overhead. And "they" are blind.
Please don't use "them" as ur guide. "They" are insignificant.
U are, BY FAR, the most amazing, wonderful, loving, warm, caring, smart, special, sensitive, amazing (it bears repeating) person I know.
I am honored and privileged to call you my best friend for life.
I love u more than pecan pie.
Love always,
*****
Nothing really needs to be added. This is the announcement she made when the world heard that her husband of 17+ years was homosexual. She is a hero in the truest sense of the word.

Second are my children. For their privacy I won't go into this too deeply, only to say that they are doing amazing. They stand by me. They protect me. They love me for who I am. They do not waiver on this. Many of their friends teenage friends know and respect me just the same. It is a different age. My son has voiced to me that his friends think its cool that he has a gay dad. Their haven't been incidents in which we have run up against true negativity in this regard. I love them tons and couldn't be more proud and/or ask for more.

My dad, siblings and most extended family have given me nothing but unwavering love. My ex-in laws have shown a remarkable amount of support.

I want to be thankful to the various individuals outside of my immediate circles who have taken the time to text, email, call or even say hello in person. Some people more than once. You don't realize how one kind word can affect someone. Just saying to someone 'I've been thinking about you' or 'I haven't seen you around and I miss you' is very powerful. It doesn't take alot of energy to say something, but revitalizes the one it's being said to.

I was at a funeral the other day. I felt very out of place. I knew most of the people there but it was the first time I saw most since having been outed. A select few came over and said hi but more than that didn't or couldn't make eye contact with me. Now granted it was at a funeral. It wasn't quite the social scene. A cousin of my ex though made it a point to walk behind me, take my elbow, caress it for a few seconds and make eye contact with me while doing it. It was a quiet message of him conveying to me 'someone is thinking about you'. To many people that might sound petty. To me it was a powerful moment. My eyes got moist as I thought about how simple it is to bring someone up.

Going back to family for a moment - At this funeral there was irony as I was watching people skirt away from me while my ex inlaws gave me huge hugs and kisses with gratitude that I came out to see them. That must have been confusing to many.

My friends have been amazing. New friends and old friends. They have been accessible to me 24/7 when I have needed to cry, to rant, a hug, a drink etc... You guys know who you are and you are my lifelines.

Happy Thanksgiving

Blog is back up...

Hi. I am back quicker than I thought I would be. :-)

I am putting the blog back up with one caveat. I have gotten a lot of emails through my blog (even texts and phone calls from people who know me as the author of this blog). I have felt the need to answer them for a while. Please forgive me now if I don't respond in the near future. My first priority is my family and my own health and it is hard for me to engage in conversation right now without sometimes getting hurt. That effects the people around me.

I hope to in the future.

Thank you for understanding.

Taking it down for a while...

I am suspending my blog for a while. I started this blog anonymously 15 months ago for 2 reasons; to help myself have an outlet through the lowest depression I was going through because my therapist recommended to me that writing will be therapeutic. I also wrote it to help others that are struggling understand that they are not alone.

I unfortunately need to be selfish for a bit. Even while getting a lot of support over the last month since this blew up, I have also gotten beaten down incessantly and continue to get hurt every day by various individuals. My sensitive nature is such that I get hurt deeply by the negativity. I need to be strong for my kids, my wife and myself. I have learned that there are horrible, unhappy, uneducated and vindictive people out there that can't relate to the pain they are putting me and my family through. I feel for you and I know there will be din v'sheshbon. You judge me about this and I haven't done anything the Torah says is assur. Loshon hora and motzei shem ra have potentially 31 positive and negative violations each time. Rosh Hashana is next week. Hatzlocha with that.

I have also learned of some amazing, beautiful and supportive people who are there for my family and me, no matter the circumstance. I am thankful and wish you a year of health, love, peace and happiness for you and the people close to you.

I know there will be a day soon where I can be there for you again. When I feel I have taken care of myself, I will be back. Until then, if you are hurting, I am so sorry and pained that right now I need to take time for me and I can't be there for you. I beg you though to see a specialist and not to keep it inside.

Best of luck.

Alarming statistics

Suicide rates among religious homosexuals....

Really?

I have had Rabbonim tell me that people have asked them if their children can still hang out with my kids. I have heard that people are asking whether they can still do business with me because of the loshon hora they have heard about me. (As an aside it's motzei shem ra, not loshon hora).

Really?

Your kids shouldn't hang out with mine? Are you kidding me? Do you think the gay will rub off on them? Do you think that you are "exposing" them to something they shouldn't be exposed to? Please don't kid yourself. They are well aware about this topic. Someone said to me last week that his 14yr old who is good friends with my son has no idea about this topic and whats going on with me. I laughed inside. I didn't tell him but his  son (prior to this conversation) told my son that he heard I had an affair with a man in the community that I am very close to. Dad; you are clueless. Get to know your kid.

If your kids truly don't know, start the conversation with them. They will face this issue with people at  some point soon. It would be nice for them to know how to be sensitive to anothers adversity. Don't perpetuate to your children what some of you have shown yourselves to be, uneducated and intolerant.

Should you do business with me? Um... Out of the thousands of people that I have helped, is there one, yes one that can say I dealt with them dishonestly? How much money have I lost by taking hits helping people in chinuch and others that struggle with cash flow. I give 15-20% of my money to tzedaka. I give to your childrens schools... To your shuls... To your chesed organizations... (A lot of you that are getting money from   anonymous sources, it's me and you wouldn't even know it) and the list goes on and on... (As an aside, to those who run some of these organizations that haven't reached out to me to offer a word of support, your silence speaks louder than words. If you have to think for a second, yes, I am talking to you...). Also, on what halachaic basis would you choose to not give me business? I'll remind you I have done nothing wrong. You might criticize me for being haughty about my charitable tendencies. Don't judge! I wouldn't normally. Deal with it. I have been beat down enough. This is my parnassa at question.

I am lucky that I have a lot of great individuals and some amazing spiritual leaders that support me right now. I don't know how those struggling, that don't have the support, can stay frum. 

For those hurting, I can say to you with all my heart, you have me and I am here for you. Don't give up and don't let go.

If I were a rich man

My favorite lyrics of all time...

If I were a rich man....

"The most important men in town will come to fawn on me--
They will ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wise--
"If you please, Reb Tevye?"--
"Pardon me, Reb Tevye?"--
Posing problems that would cross a rabbi's eyes--
Ya va voy, ya va voy voy vum...
And it won't make one bit of difference
If I answer right or wrong--
When you're rich, they think you really know."

Very applicable to things I am going through right now...

Update

I wanted to share a few updates about this blog. I am suspending the ability to comment. I believe all questions that can be asked have been addressed through the 40+ posts on this blog and my responses to comments.

If anyone needs support or would like to offer support or ask questions with sensitivity, please email me at festerfest123@gmail.com

I have also taken down some personal posts that I will be editing and reposting over the next few days.

Thank you again for the kind words, dialogue and mostly, your continued support.

Wow... Rumor has it....

The nonsense and rumors people are saying about me is unreal. I am done defending myself. It's one thing for me to say that I won't judge the negative reactions because people hearing this have no frame of reference (they don't realize I have been dealing with this for 27 years), but to create and spread false rumors, hard for me to be understanding.

My non Jewish assistant sends me "They should add a law against gossip in Shul.  It would be pretty quiet."

In case you thought I was over exaggerating about who's looking at this blog and spreading it through email; after Friday when 2000 people looked at it; on shabbos 91 people looked at it (a number of them from Israel); so far since motzei shabbos 1300 people have looked. Rabbi's, People from Cleveland, Canada, New York etc have shared with me that the blog address was emailed to them. 

I am amazed at what some of you folks find happiness in. 

Shame. Shame. Shame. 

PS thanks again I those who have taken the time to reach out to me and write beautiful comments, emails and texts. 

Don't feel bad commenting.... Go right ahead...

It is now obvious to me that the link to my blog is being emailed all through my community and others. I have gotten private emails from the most obscure people from my past voicing love and support. I thank you for that.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the type of person if I were on the other side of this to start emailing out a link that is presented as anonymous while announcing who wrote it. At the same time I can't project that others should maintain my standard.

I would ask though that the kind people who know me and read this blog to feel free not just to email me but to take a minute to comment something positive on the blog and issue support. It would be nice for the naysayers to have a perspective of who I am and the differences I've made in people's lives.

Of course if you would like to be negative go ahead and comment as well. All perspectives need to be shown.

The 2 most common objections I get is "how can I support or be an advocate of a sinner?" The answer to that is simply I haven't sinned.  The Torah says nothing about orientation or inclination, just not to follow through on it.

Second, I get, "why do you feel the need to have a blog and publicize it?". I want to remind you that I started this blog by advice of my therapist who is well respected in our community. I have had it for 14 months with few people knowing (ironically my wife always knew about it).  It was therapeutic and helped people. It was only this past Monday when other people outed me and someone found this and started spreading it around, that thousands of people are reading it. You are choosing to forward the link as well as you are choosing to read it which at this point I have no issue with at all.

Please do not use my name in posts.

Thank you.

Update on being "out" relating to this blog...

I am having a hard time understanding something. I usually get 30-50 hits a day on this blog (There are stat trackers). My community started to talk about my sexuality on Monday. That day my blog got 400 hits. Tuesday had me receive 800 hits. Wednesday 1400 hits and so far at only noon on Thursday there are over 1300 hits.

I don't know if this blog will go viral but I will tell you that if I save one person from hurting themselves, depression or pain, I will have accomplished everything. One life, physically, emotionally or spiritually will be worth every negative email and comment I get and I have gotten many. Kol hamatzil nefesh echad ke'illu hetzil olam malle. I have also gotten amazing expressions of support from people so close to me and people from my past. 

I will be publishing (without their names) many emails, texts, conversation and comments on both side of the spectrum as time goes on.

Blogspot gives a general source of where people come from like Facebook and Google. It also says the key words people are searching. The primary source of people coming to my blog right now is Google. This means that people who never had perspective on this in the past are searching the words "frum gay" or frum, married and gay" etc to find information. This tells me that people are searching for perspective and information. I will continue to do what I have always done which is smile through my pain, lift people who are down up and support people who need it.

(Anyone looking for support in this area or in general is always welcome to email me at festerfest123@gmail.com, anonymously or not.)

When these blog hits came in hard I asked my wife if she wanted me to take this down because of the personal nature of the information. She said to me and I paraphrase "The blog was what helped get you to where you are today. It would be a shame for you to take it down". What a hero. She continued by saying how people can gain so much by this and I should leave it up. Anyone who knows me knows that it is not my nature to flaunt. I can tell you though for the sake of understanding that many struggling gay men, both married, divorced and single have reached out to tell me that I inspire them. Some people have told me I have said that I give them inspiration to live. I share the credit for this with my beautiful wife.

As the song goes;

I'm bulletproof, nothing to losefire away, fire awayricochet, you take your aimfire away, fire awayyou shoot me down, but I won't fallI am titaniumyou shoot me down, but I won't fallI am titanium

11,000 views and an observation

Thanks for getting me to 11,000 hits on my blog. Over 200 today so far.

I see in the admin that there are a number of hits from Facebook reposts although I can't see who's posting. Thanks for spreading my words.

If you can share Facebook comments, positive or negative or send me the links that would be cool. I'd love the feedback. Festerfest123@gmail.com.

Thanks.

I am now out...

So folks, the day has come. I have been outed to the public (not by choice, but by community gossip) but yet I feel relieved. I will not be publishing my name on my blog. This may come sometime in the future but for now I will be keeping the blog anonymous. I am sure some will put it together although I talk about family members and  negativity in my upbringing. People search my name thousands of times a year due to the work I do and I don't want it to connect to the blog.

Update:

Once my wife and I decided to divorce, she became. my biggest advocate and has verbalized that she is my best friend and that she is happy for me and feels I am doing the right thing. We talk all the time and have Shabbat meals and dinners with the kids every week.

My wife and I told our children together about the divorce and homosexuality (which was extremely powerful) and I got some interesting questions like "So why did you get married in the first place". To comments that "you are my dad no matter what and I am happy for you that you are finding yourself and won't have to hide any more". That was my oldest who is a teenage boy.

I am so proud of them and very proud of myself for how I have allowed this journey to play out. Class, dignity, compassion and sensitivity. And it has paid off.  I will always be their for them. I am gay but I am their dad and my wife's best friend.

Over the months I had many people tell me how I am going to screw up my family, my kids will hate me etc... I believe you are correct in so far as the person going through it wasn't a caring and loving father, husband and friend. I believe I spent my entire life building up to this moment. I spent my years being a great husband to my wife, a loving and supportive dad to my kids and a friend who is there for people no matter the circumstances. This is why people taken it well. It's because they love me and know my core. I have heard numerous times from people who have no reference to homosexuality that I come out to that nothing has changed. They tell me "you are still the same person we have grown to love".

Any way, like I said, I am not hiding anymore. I am proud. I am not advertising my homosexuality but I am not denying it either.

I am close to the happiest I have ever been in my life.

Thanks to those who have been supportive. To those who have been critical, you have been mistaken in so far as you generalized and had no frame of reference to who I was or am. That's a shame.

Thanks all.

The 9 days and my own private holocaust

Even with my current struggle maintaining orthodox judaism, I still feel a connection to the 9 days. Each of my grandparents lost immediate family members to the Nazi's. Some murders were witnessed. I am a Jew and my family and people suffered through all our years. That identity connects me to our history and gives me the motivation to conform to the requirements of the 9 days and feel guilty when I don't.

At the same time I would argue that I personally have suffered my own private holocaust. The abusive upbringing I had. Abuse at the hands of the people close to me; teachers, family, a therapist and counselors in camp. Bullying to a horrible extreme that caused me to contemplate suicide numerous times. All that time struggling with my sexual orientation and the conflicts that brings in reconciling it with my judaism.

Bottom line. I feel like I can cut myself some slack. My suffering and pain has been deep, long and to my core. Would I switch with holocaust survivors? Probably not.

Lets compromise and call it a mini-holocaust, but a holocaust nonetheless.

This brings me to my next point. For people who never suffered physical or sexual abuse; for you to judge, project and blatantly accuse abuse survivors of making things up, you deny them the ability to speak up and certainly heal; you reinforce the pain and insecurity that has been projected on them for all their life. You are abhorrent. You are a life sucker. You should look in the mirror and let shame take you over. If your are family, shame, shame, shame. All the more so...

Al tadin es ha'adam ad shetagia l'mkomo.

Dont judge another until you walk their shoes.

Quick comment on the OU response to Obama

The OU response to the presidents statement on same sex marriage is here

And I quote "Jewish law is unequivocal in opposing same sex relationships.".

Again, distorting the truth. The Torah has nothing to say about "same sex relationships"

Please don't tell me that it is obvious they meant having intercourse because; one, it isn't obvious; and two, when you say something in the name of the Torah, it ought to be accurate. Every word is critical.

I came out to my father....

Last week I had a conversation with my father. We were discussing the challenges I am having in my relationship with my wife. He did not know about my struggles with homosexuality. We had discussed the marital struggles before but I could not be forthright because I wouldn't share the gay piece. I would always just ask him to respect that I couldn't share everything with him.

However after being asked alot of questions that past time and really not being able to answer; I finally said to myself. It's time. I don't have much to lose at this point. I said to my father something like, "you have been saying that you want to be there for me 24/7, that you will always love me unconditionally. If you truly want to know what I am going through I will be challenging those ideals". I asked him if he was prepared to hear something very difficult. Without a beat he said yes. It took me a minute or two but I finally got it out.

I told him I truly believed that I am homosexual. I shares with him the struggles I've had through the years. Again without missing a beat he said something like this; "I feel horrible for the pain that you have been through. I can't even imagine what it's been like and I am hurting for you." He continued by relaying to me that there is nothing I can tell him that will make him love me any less.

 I cried.... Alot.

We went on to talking about issues I had with my upbringing; the bullying in school, the abuse in camp. I had no one to turn to. He told me that he wished he could turn back time and be a better father for me and he's so sorry that there is no switch he can flip to turn back time. He said that even though he knows that he could have been a better person and father, he knows that he is a different person now and that he will love me unconditionally until 120.

 To put this into perspective, my father is a "type A" personality. He is as much of a man as a man could be (in societies view). He is and always has been an orthodox Jew and the child of holocaust survivors. I am not sure what I was to expect but this was not it. He did not have a word of doubt or criticism. He did not ask me if I am sure. He did not recommend therapy etc... He just acknowledged his love for me no matter what.

For the last 4 days since this conversation, I have spoken to him many times and he has not wavered. When I now say "I love you" to him I mean it with all my heart. I am blown away by what took place and I am so incredibly thankful. Within my God struggle, for the first time in a long time, I felt compelled to say thank you to him.

 I am not sure where things will go with my wife or my dad for that matter but for the first time in my 35+ years of life I can finally say and feel with all my heart, "I have a father".

Why does it still surprise me?

It is amazing how R' Shmuel Kamenetsky chooses to write a response to the issue of Metzitza B'peh found  Here.

To my knowledge the metzitza b'peh issue has not caused depression and suicide, ruined lives and pushed people off the derech.

Yet still silence on the issue of homosexuality when the Rosh Yeshiva himself admitted to his error in signing Jonah's "Torah" declaration. It's unbelievable to me.

How does he choose what is important enough for his time?

I continue to feel that God needs better representation on this world. I am happy that there are some wonderful people and even Rabbi's in this world. The overwhelming majority and at a minimum the ones most in the public eye continue though to push me away from Orthodoxy.

The depth of my pain...

Last night was from the most difficult nights of my life. I have never cried so much and with so much depth in my pain and tears.

I am trying so hard. I don't know what I could be doing more or better. I am in a downward spiral. I hope that I don't end up hurting myself.

I feel like I am Tom Hanks in Castaway. I am on my own desert island. I am trapped without anyone knowing where I am. The few that have seen my SOS sign in the sand continue to fly overhead thinking that it is one big joke.

It's not a joke. My therapist told me a few weeks ago that me and my wifes situation is the hardest one hes encountered in his many years of giving therapy. He mentioned dealing with people who have lost children. He says ours is the hardest because we love each other and every which way we turn there are layers of complication that bring further layers of complication. At the same time he is so overwhelmingly busy that even in the depths of my despair I can't seem to get an appointment with him. You'd think he would find time for what he bills his hardest case in his career? He is just the therapist through this. My wife and I are the actual ones suffering. I got a sarcastic passive aggressive message from him this morning laying on the guilt for me having the gall to try to push him past his full schedule. I therefore have decided to end my 12 years of therapy with him this evening and move on. I need someone that can be there for me through times that I feel suicidal and that I want to end the pain and can find the time for an emergency.

I need hope. I need clarity. I need to feel love. Hashem and his Torah are not supplying that to me at this time. The Rabbi's are not supplying it to me at this time.

I thank my select group of friends for being there for me but I cant keep burdening them with all my emotional instability.

I don't know how to balance my responsibilities as a father, husband, businessman, Jew, friend etc without losing my mind.

To be continued...

Wow... This is groundbreaking...

http://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/editorial/the-jewish-press-wont-be-silenced/2012/01/31/

Beautiful Jewish Press Artice

This sums it all up...

Jewiah Press Article on being gay in the ftum community

Thank you Chaim for your bravery in sharing your story.

I came out to my wife... A new chapter....

So I finally did it. On Friday night I broke down and told my wife about my attraction toward men.

I had gone to bed somewhat depressed at about 6:30pm. I woke up at about 8pm and she was reading beside me. I couldn't fall back asleep. My heart was pounding and in my throat. I was at a point of despair. I was at a point where I was prepared for the worst. I asked myself, what is better; me leading myself into a deeper and deeper depression to a point where I might lose it or worse hurt myself or should I just put it all out on the table and at a minimum unburden myself of this million pound secret? I was at a point where even her worst reaction seemed like an upgrade to me from where I was at.

We started talking about a frum organization that was hosting a lecture on how frum Jews should deal with the emerging issue of  homosexuals within our community. She spoke sympathetically about it and said that it needs to take place and how she is impressed that they are doing this.

That was my moment.

I put my head in my hands and quietly told her that I had something to share with her. She verbalized to me that I was scaring her. I told her that she has the right to be scared because what I was about to say was going to be a life changer. She again said that I was scaring her. At that point there was no turning back. What in reality was probably a minute or two felt like an eternity, I struggled with trying to say the words to her. I started mumbling. "I am..." and then I stopped. I said "I have this problem where I am..." then I stopped again. This went on for a bit until I finally said to her that I am physically attracted to men. I explained that I  have this burning desire to be intimate with a man and it has been getting more and more intense. I told her that I have had it since I was a teenager and on differing levels of intensity throughout the years. I assured her that I never in my life had a gay relationship or encounter. I assured her that I never cheated on her. I also assured her that I loved her and that when I have been with her over the years there were many times that I was in the moment and doing it out of a true physical attraction to her.

I am lucky to have shared with her over the years all the negativity that I received from my parents, therapists, bullies and male "role models" growing up. This allowed me to explain where alot of the intimacy issues took form.

She started crying. It was close to hysterical but not quite out of control. She asked me if  that meant that I wanted to pursue the need and find a man to live with. She asked me if I didn't want to be with her any more. I told her that from my perspective I am still trying to figure it all out. I wasnt looking to throw out everything we had. I explained that I recognize that so much of my need is deep rooted into my psych from a troubled and abusive childhood. We continued talking. I told her I was willing to work with her and try further therapy together and/or separate to see if there is a way for me to develop that intimacy with a man in a non sexual way and/or figure out ways that I can find the intimacy I lack through my relationship with her. I told her that there are no guarantees that this will work but I was ready to give it my all.

I explained that I have no expectation of her response. I told her she doesn't need to respond and/or if she does in any way I would let it be and understand.

She took a tissue and wiped her eyes. She looked at me with a resolve and said (i am paraphrasing but this is pretty close), "I want to be there for you. I want to do what it takes to see if we could make this work. I want to join you for this journey".

I was floored. I was ready for her to walk out. I was ready for rage. I was not expecting this loving and caring response. Don't get me wrong, I wont say that I wasn't hoping for it... but expecting it, I wasn't.

I don't want to ramble on but we talked for a few hours. She asked me a lot of questions. I answered them honestly. We talked about some of the men in my life and who I am attracted to and who not. It got to a point where we were able to even laugh about it.

In summary, she was amazing. I feel closer to her already and in fact had a day today where I just wanted to hug her and be with her all day. I know this feeling won't last forever and there are huge struggles ahead but this is the best start I could have asked for.

I wasn't sure that I wanted to write this blog post because I am now committed to working on my relationship with my wife in a way that can bring depth and intimacy to our relationship. What this means to me is that my struggles will be taking a shift from being shared primarily with the general public through my blog to being shared with her privately. I felt I needed to write this because I owed it to the people that have been reading and that I have met through this blog to share this important update..

With this blog, I have made a number of friends and acquaintances and I don't plan on losing your friendship. If you have any questions or if you want to check in and see how I am doing, feel free to email me or comment on the blog. Depending on how things go I may or may not be posting the intimate details of my life for a while.

I don't know where this journey will take me but yet again here starts a new chapter.....

Intimacy

I can't do it. I don't know why. There is an intimacy line I can not seem to cross. Be it something as simple as my therapists hug. I can physically go through the motions but I can't let myself in.

I want to be able to fully give myself to a hug. I want to be able to hold someone for a few moments and feel like there is something that can't be spoken that is passing to and from... through us. Not something physical but something really close. Intimacy. I want to feel it. I imagine true intimacy to be exhilarating.

I have always had an issue with feeling pleasure. When I am with my wife and getting to a point of which I should revel in the feeling of ecstasy, I pull back. I need to stop. I can't let myself go there. Do I feel that I am not deserving of pleasure? Do I feel that giving into pleasure, forces me to face a level of connection I am not comfortable with? A combination of both?

How do I break ground here? I know I can create the intimacy in an outbound communication because I do it with my kids all the time. I hug them for seconds longer than they expect and give them one last squeeze. I massage them and caress their arms. I tell them I love them in so many different ways. Problem is, that is me to them... I need to be able to recieve that from someone else. Not just recieve it but accept it and live it.

I wish I understood this aspect of me so that I can get some semblance of control over it.

Has anyone had success working through intimacy issues? Any recommendations?

Thank you