This past year has been really difficult. I have been under the radar a bunch because a lot has been going on that has been incredibly traumatic. I have been working on myself in a number of different ways and thankfully seeing really strong improvement.
According to tradition, everything that took place this past year was decided and sealed in God’s “book” a year ago on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.
Here are some things that shook me.
A friends son, (who is a friend of my son) died by getting hit by a car. The death had a number of ironies of which I wrote about in a previous post.
My closest friend who was one of the few who truly loved me without judgment, died suddenly of a heart attack at his office. I had spoken with him the day before and we had lunch planned later in the week. There is no one left in my life that I cared for and cared for me in that way.
I got into a really bad car accident. I am blessed to have not been hurt, but it did shake me pretty bad.
That same night of my accident, my son was in a really bad motorcycle accident. I had limited information for close to 3 hours. The hardest 3 hours of my life. This was coupled with the fact that his best friend had just died as well in the same area. I have had a number of relatives (cousin, brother in law, brother in law’s sister etc) and people close to me die in car accidents. He was wearing a helmet, which saved his life, but suffered a number of broken bones and a crazy amount of road burn. Again, I am blessed it was nothing worse and he has almost entirely healed.
I have another child who went through incredibly difficult challenges this year that I can’t really get into. Due to his challenges, I couldn’t visit my other son after the accident. This was so incredibly difficult.
I ended a 3.5 year relationship with someone that meant the world to me and that I loved and still love. I was going through so much emotional and trauma related weakness that I hurt him pretty bad. I begged for forgiveness but I don’t feel like I’ve been blessed with it. A lot of his anger was framed under a cloud of other rumination on his part that exacerbated it all. I am made to be the devil. I have been made to feel like a victim. I also have not been offered the same admission of wrongdoing on his part and have yet to be asked for forgiveness. This hurts very much. I have no control of this though.
Before this all happened, I entered a 12 step program for addiction to alcohol. My partner was the one that pushed me in that direction. I am grateful to him for that. I had been using alcohol to numb myself at times. After stopping to drink and now being sober for 5 months, I am forced to feel. I felt all of the above so deeply and did not pick up a drink through it all. This is a miracle unto itself. I was advised by my partner to stop taking anxiety medication because sobriety meant not using them. I didn't know otherwise and almost lost my mind and even done worse to myself. I had talked about it in an AA meeting and pretty much got scolded by all the "old timers" for stopping medication. The reality is that I felt all those experiences so deeply. I wasn’t finished mourning one when the other hit and the next and next etc.
At the same time, I am so thankful for my beautiful family. Every one of my children is wonderful. Polite, sensitive, loving and giving. They are healthy. I am healthy. While I deal with depression, anxiety and trauma, I have done a lot this year to help me learn skills to cope. I accept myself for who I am and to accept my struggles (rather than continuing to suppress them), and how to manage them. For that I am grateful. I am successful in work and have had some high points in that area this past year. I am meeting many wonderful people in AA and creating strong friendships. Mostly, I am getting a lot closer to loving myself for who I am.I am able to share that love with others. I am around people who help me grow.
All the challenges have helped me improve and have taught me how I continue to be strong in the face of grave difficulty.
Tomorrow, God will seal his new book for the coming year; I wish us all love and the ability to love others. Kindness and to be kind. Happiness and to make others happy. Health, success and mostly peace of mind.
I pray; “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.
Hugs and kisses.