Quick comment on the OU response to Obama

The OU response to the presidents statement on same sex marriage is here

And I quote "Jewish law is unequivocal in opposing same sex relationships.".


Again, distorting the truth. The Torah has nothing to say about "same sex relationships"

Please don't tell me that it is obvious they meant having intercourse because; one, it isn't obvious; and two, when you say something in the name of the Torah, it ought to be accurate. Every word is critical.

I came out to my father....

Last week I had a conversation with my father. We were discussing the challenges I am having in my relationship with my wife. He did not know about my struggles with homosexuality. We had discussed the marital struggles before but I could not be forthright because I wouldn't share the gay piece. I would always just ask him to respect that I couldn't share everything with him.

 However after being asked alot of questions this past time and really not being able to answer; I finally said to myself, it's time, I don't have much to lose at this point. I said to my father something like, "you have been saying that you want to be there for me 24/7, that you will always love me unconditionally. If you truly want to know what I am going through I will be challenging those ideals". I asked him if he was prepared to hear something very difficult. Without a beat he said yes. It took me a minute or two but I finally got it out.

I told him I truly believed that I am homosexual. I shares with him the struggles I've had through the years. Again without missing a beat he said something like this; "I feel horrible for the pain that you have been through. I can't even imagine what it's been like and I am hurting for you." He continued by relaying to me that there is nothing I can tell him that will make him love me any less.

 I cried.... Alot.

We went on to talking about issues I had with my upbringing; the bullying in school, the abuse in camp. I had no one to turn to. He told me that he wished he could turn back time and be a better father for me and he's so sorry that there is no switch he can flip to turn back time. He said that even though he knows that he could have been a better person and father, he knows that he is a different person now and that he will love me unconditionally until 120.

 To put this into perspective, my father is a "type A" personality. He is as much of a man as a man could be (in societies view). He is and always has been an orthodox Jew and the child of holocaust survivors. I am not sure what I was expecting but this was not it. He did not have a word of doubt or criticism. He did not ask me if I am sure. He did not recommend therapy etc... He just acknowledged his love for me no matter what.

 For the last 4 days since this conversation, I have spoken to him many times and he has not wavered. When I now say "I love you" to him, I mean it with all my heart. I am blown away by what took place and I am so incredibly thankful. Within my God struggle, for the first time in a long time, I felt compelled to say thank you to him.

 I am not sure where things will go with my wife or my dad for that matter but for the first time in my 35+ years of life I can finally say and feel with all my heart, "I have a father".

Freedom and the lack thereof...

...And using toothpicks to Clean Your Light Fixtures of Chometz...

free·dom

   [free-duhm]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the state of being free  or at liberty rather than inconfinement or under physical restraint: He won his freedom after a retrial.

2.

exemption from external control, interference, regulation,etc.

3.

the power to determine action without restraint.

4.

political or national independence.

5.

personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery: a slave who bought his freedom.

Going into Pesach has it's mixed messages. Freedom is what we earned leaving Egypt. I would venture to say that Freedom means different things to different people. This would apply both to the Freedom we experienced in Egypt as well as our own personal Freedom in our lives. Freedom in leaving Egypt might be understood as "political or national independence". Maybe you understand it as "the state of being free  or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint".

It is hard to see Freedom from Egypt as "the power to determine action without restraint." or "exemption from external control, interference, regulation,etc." because the Torah tells us the stories of the most severest of punishments to those who strayed even in the most minute way. From the tale bearers to the idol worshipers to Miriam who spoke negatively of her brother and the list goes on and on, there was rage and as a result destruction that resulted from not following the kings plan, similar to not following the law in Egypt. Perhaps the punishment post Egypt was worse as the line between good and evil was formed alot thinner. It is said that 4/5ths of the Jewish people died due to sin leaving Egypt. It is said that the entire people died during the 40 years wandering in the dessert. Moses himself was punished not to be allowed into Israel. He was told to look though. Huh? After all the horrors they went through do they not have any room for error? Is this a loving God? Sadistic? Malicious? Its hard to say God's 13 midos without thinking of all horrors in our history.

49 days later God gave the Torah at Mount Sinai. This Torah had 613 commandments. From that sprouted a chain of Rabbis who decided that 613 wasn't enough. They went and added thousands and thousands of new layers of restriction. Not cooking milk and meat turned into a 6 hour wait between eating them. Basic rules of Sabbath branched into the most obscure actions being forbidden. Adding a second day to each holiday. Restricting wine, milk and bread that a non jew handles... The list goes on and on.

And now of course Pesach. I have had a mother and mother-in-law in my life who lost their mind starting with Purim in regards to cleaning and preparing for pesach. Does God really want us taking tooth picks and scraping off light fixtures for chometz. Does he want us to take every book and sefer in the house and shake it out? Does he want us to lose our minds? Does this make sense to you? There are families of depressed children needing to eat in the garage a month before pesach because their house has been "turned over". Is this freedom?

You might say that God freeing the jews gave us the ability to choose. We are now free to serve God. But; my best friend once told me that Aristotelian logic says that if anything with leaves is a tree and I have leaves than I am a tree. The alcoholic's logic is if anything with leaves is a tree and I have leaves than pass me a beer. Point being, if you know your end goal, than you can create any logic you want to support the result you have pre-determined.

There are a number of reasons why I don't feel free this Pesach. Frumkeit; I believe that so much of what we do is tied to the alcoholics logic. We have a pre-ordained answer so we now create a logic that supports it. This applies to instances where science contradicts the Torah or its sages. The world is only 5700 years old, not a billion like science tells us... why? because the world was created aged. Ahhh! The answer to every problem, Hashem knows what's best for us and doesn't give us problems we can't handle. How easy.... of course, now I get it... that's why children die of cancer. Dumb me. Yesterday I followed a discussion where someone was condemning Chabad for not teaching secular studies in high school. Another commented a quote from the Rebbe that I paraphrase, "Why learn English when Moshiach will be here any day". Someone asked that the Rebbe has been dead for a long time, when did he say that. The answer was, the words of a tzadik are in the moment. Right, that makes sense. Pass the beer.

I joined a gay married mens support group. I don't want to go to deeply into it but I will tell you that the pain in the room is unfathomable. The complexity of the conflict that each and every one of us are going through inside can almost be felt tangibly in the room. I wish I can put that pain in a box/ I would then send it to all the right wing bigots as well as the Rabbis who signed the Torah Declaration so they can add it into their salt water at the seder. They then can truly feel what our pain is when they dip their vegetable into our tears. 

I look forward to the day when I can truly celebrate my freedom. Freedom from lies. Freedom from the shackles of my sexual identity. Freedom from the judging eyes that the Orthodox world pins on gay men. God, if you are out there I didn't need you to show me your love by hurting me. You could have showed me your love by loving me, for the way you created me. If I could have felt that love, then I could have said dayenu, it would have been enough.

Happy Pesach to you and yours.

Why does it still surprise me?

It is amazing how R' Shmuel Kamenetsky chooses to write a response to the issue of Metzitz B'peh found  Here.

To my knowledge the metzitza b'peh issue has not caused depression and suicide, ruined lives and pushed people off the derech.

Yet still silence on the issue of homosexuality when the Rosh Yeshiva himself admitted to his error in signing Jonah's "Torah" declaration. It's unbelievable to me.

How does he choose what is important enough for his time?

I continue to feel that God needs better representation on this world. I am happy that there are some wonderful people and even Rabbi's in this world. The overwhelming majority and at a minimum the ones most in the public eye continue though to push me away from Orthodoxy.

The depth of my pain...

Last night was from the most difficult nights of my life. I have never cried so much and with so much depth in my pain and tears.

I am trying so hard. I don't know what I could be doing more or better. I am in a downward spiral. I hope that I don't end up hurting myself.

I feel like I am Tom Hanks in Castaway. I am on my own desert island. I am trapped without anyone knowing where I am. The few that have seen my SOS sign in the sand continue to fly overhead thinking that it is one big joke.

It's not a joke. My therapist told me a few weeks ago that me and my wifes situation is the hardest one hes encountered in his many years of giving therapy. He mentioned dealing with people who have lost children. He says ours is the hardest because we love each other and every which way we turn there are layers of complication that bring further layers of complication. At the same time he is so overwhelmingly busy that even in the depths of my despair I can't seem to get an appointment with him. You'd think he would find time for what he bills his hardest case in his career? He is just the therapist through this. My wife and I are the actual ones suffering. I got a sarcastic passive aggressive message from him this morning laying on the guilt for me having the gall to try to push him past his full schedule. I therefore have decided to end my 12 years of therapy with him this evening and move on. I need someone that can be there for me through times that I feel suicidal and that I want to end the pain and can find the time for an emergency.

I need hope. I need clarity. I need to feel love. Hashem and his Torah are not supplying that to me at this time. The Rabbi's are not supplying it to me at this time. My parents sure as hell aren't.

I thank my select group of friends for being there for me but I cant keep burdening them with all my emotional instability.

I don't know how to balance my responsibilities as a father, husband, businessman, Jew, friend etc without losing my mind. I suspect that at some point in the near future you might be finding my true identity on this blog as coming out and living whole with myself seems to be the only reasonable approach outside of hurting myself at this point.

To be continued...

Wow... This is groundbreaking...

http://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/editorial/the-jewish-press-wont-be-silenced/2012/01/31/

Beautiful Jewish Press Artice

This sums it all up...

Jewiah Press Article on being gay in the ftum community

Thank you Chaim for your bravery in sharing your story.