Saturday, October 12, 2013

Guest post from a reader... You are not alone

"I am like a eunuch; full of love, hormones and virility, but with nobody to share it with."

I received this anonymously from a reader. I thought it worthy to be posted (with his permission) as this is all too common an experience I witness. While I do receive messages like this all too often, this one was written very well, with class and respect to the reader, Here it is.

Like the creator of this blog, I too am married, frum (religious) .....and gay.

I came across this blog after searching endlessly for some sort of network, some sort of support group, for what I figured must be a problem for a few others out there in the big, wide world as well.

When I finally came across this site, I cried.

The relief that somewhere out there there were others who were going through the same excruciating and hellish path that has been my life, was indescribable.

I ended up making contact with someone on the site - and though we have never met, we regularly catch up, and provide an ear for each other's difficulties.

As cliched as it sounds, the truth is that I knew from very early on that I was not attracted to girls. I had crushes on some of my friends throughout school, and going to Yeshiva was an absolute torment. I came from a real heimishe family, and a very frum kehilla; and exploring and defining my sexuality was a totally foreign concept to me. I refused to recognize that I was created somewhat different to the rest of my peers, only admitting to myself that I had a serious problem which needed sorting out.

I shed copious amounts of tears over the years, beseeching Hashem (God) to hear my pleas and cure my illness. But nothing changed.

I got married and had kids; all the while secretly harboring the real me very deep inside myself, and living life as normally as possible.

But my feelings persisted no matter how hard I tried, I could not change the fact that I was attracted to males and not to females.

Finally, after many difficult years of soul-searching and thinking, I admitted to myself something I'd not allowed myself to think until that moment ........I was Gay. There was no escaping it, no getting away from it.

Instead of davening (praying) for a cure, which obviously was not going to happen, I had to change my tune entirely. I had to accept that this was the way Hashem created me, for reasons only known to him, and that I now needed His help to guide me through this difficult and rocky terrain.

But one question I didn't have an answer for, and nor do I today - is why Hashem would put me in such a compromised position and give me the nisayon (challenge) of homosexuality, while at the same time decreeing it an abomination and unacceptable.

A number of years have passed since that revelation, all of them difficult. While on the outside I live a normal, happy life, inside I am crushed. Each and every day is a struggle. There is no permissible outlet for people like me. There is no physical relief offered for all my emotion and frustration to be poured into. I am like a eunuch; full of love, hormones and virility, but with nobody to share it with. My life is a lonely one, one in which I tread a singular path not knowing whether the man davening next to me, or the one learning across the table from me, is similarly afflicted or not. And there is no way for me to find that out, to share my struggles with a fellow sufferer in my vicinity.

So I reach out to all of you, with the hope that we can become both family and friend, and help each other navigate the supremely difficult path of being a frum, gay, yid.


  1. This man should leave his 'wife' and get on with his life! He must take responsibility!!

  2. He needs people like you to give him chizuk. Thanks for sharing this. You have made his life better already.

  3. I am gay, I have known it since I was 10 years old and I am member of the board of our synagogue here. Everyone inclduing our orthodox rabbi know that I am gay. Never ever have I heard one single negative word about it. Although I can relate to the struggle and the difficult and unhappy situation you are in, I urge you to live your life - find one single good man with whom you can share your feelings. You will truly be a different person. I wish you from the bottom of my heart courage, love and success in everything you do.

  4. Thank you for providing a forum. Good luck and keep up the good work!

  5. you can live a normal live with your wife and children despite your feelings, sexuality is not the 'real me' the real me is much more then sexual feelings, keep up your good will and you would not regret it. there are people which much bigger nisyonos. learn and daven and lead a jewish life, and dont be busy whith this problem, it will pass by itself

  6. I've been following this blog for the last 2 years or so. This post, from yet another struggler, especially touched me. All I can say is... me too...

    I can't write too much now, but my story is almost identical to yours. I am Frum, married with kids, yet struggling with strong gay feelings that have been with me since i was too young to understand what they meant. I have never acted on them with another person, but the fantasies and yearning for that relationship i can never have torment me endlessly and make me feel like my life is one big fake.

    And until recently I thought I was hopelessly alone, different, unique. But since I have found this blog and others like it, i feel comforted in the knowledge that there are others who share this struggle, striving to live according to Hashem's will while struggling with such strong feelings of alienation.

    May Hashem be with us all.

    1. Thank you Me Too for having the the courage to post such a heartfelt comment. I really feel your pain, and can identify with your struggles. I can only wish you much hatzlocho and a lot of empathy.
      If you ever feel the need, my email address is posted as well.

  7. You aren't alone! Join a community of LGBT Jews at an intimate and spiritual winter gathering