The Bonfire and the Gentle Flame

My brain heats up. My soul catches fire. My heart explodes into a bonfire of confusion.

At the expense of my burning eyes, I stare into the flame as I tiptoe slowly toward the heat of its core.

I see it's many colors. I see the orange of regret. Red of hate. The purple of confusion. The blue of hope and the yellow of a brighter day.

The fire slowly builds. It's potency is commensurate to the intensity of my gaze. I focus, watching the colors synthesize, converge and marry.

While the colors dance to the sound of popping twigs; confusion and doubt ensue. I attempt to reconcile the complexity of this merger. My senses are feeling overwhelmed.

I lower my gaze.

My eyes weaken and my focus wanes. The wind blows and the popping sounds calm. The colors dim, isolate, and detach.

For a moment I enjoy its simplicity. Colors compartmentalized. Intensity faded. The bonfire has transformed into a gentle and manageable flame.

I notice though that with this peace comes a lack of character. The fire seems mundane and without meaning. My brain is dulled. My soul exists, but without spirit. Yet, a strong force pulls me to its innocence and purity.

I ask myself, do I prefer the complexity of the bonfire or the simplicity of the gentle flame?

So embarrassing...

So a (non Jewish) co-worker of mine is at a mall yesterday. He walks up to the jewelry department and sees a frum woman arguing with the sales person. The sales person says she can only look at one piece of jewelry at a time. The woman though, wants to look at 3 at one time. They are arguing back and forth.

My co-worker is on his cell and mentions the name of the company I work for.

She turns to him and goes, "You work at ....? Do you know ...?", Asking him if he knows me. He answers that he does. She asks him "Does he still wear his yarmulka"?

That was her first question. Not, "How is he doing"? "Does he seem happy" or any other question about my well being. Just wants to have information that can be shared as gossip.

My co-worker answers to her that what I wear or don't wear isn't really any of his business (God bless him).

She continues to prod, he doesn't engage.

She says "ok" and hands my co-worker a business card and tells him that she's there if he needs someone for his real estate transactions.

Straight up embarrassing. I hope she reads this and sees what a fool she is.

PS Friends and neighbors; don't try to guess who it is. It isn't who you are thinking. The one you are thinking of is loving and incredibly respectful.

Things I hate (okay, dislike...)

1) People who say "All things happen for a reason".

2) People who say "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle".

3) People who say "Other people have it worse than you".

4) People who say "Why look to the past?"

5) People who say "Count your blessings".

6) People who say "When you have lemons, make lemonade".

7) People who say "Everyone has challenges", or the yeshivish way, "Everyone has their own peckel".

8) People who say "It's just a taavah".

9) People who minimize abuse victims.

10) People who critique things they have not experienced and can not relate to.

Adding 11) A mentsch tracht un gut lacht. A man plans and God laughs. (Ugh)

Bottom line - just carry your friends burden and say I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am here for you the best that I can be.

If you feel they are hurting themselves and/or they are asking for your advice, preface your response/commentary by saying "I can't relate to what you are going through but this is what comes to mind". Be extremely thoughtful and sensitive.

If you find that you can't respond to this with sensitivity or even if you are unsure; close your mouth. Zip it shut. Not a word.

No, I am not perfect in this regard but yes, I am cognizant of the need to try to be.

Being Deaf (Insert Gay) and Orthodox...

This from a friend of mine, Mordechai Levovitz....


"Being Deaf and Orthodox" an article in a Right Wing Orthodox Magazine outlines a template for Orthodoxy to approach LGBT Jews"


For those of you who get Ami magazine, the Pesach edition, I highly recommend reading the 8 page spread on what it's like being Deaf and Orthodox. Ami Magazine is a right wing Chareidi magazine, pretty accepted in the Black Hat world. The arguments presented in the article prove that within Black Hat Frum Orthodoxy there is a template of thinking that can be very helpful for LGBT people. In the article there are personal narratives, an interview with a therapist, and rabbinical input. It can be easily seen how this thinking can serve as a template within Orthodoxy that may allow for far better understanding of LGBT people and LGBT pride in the Orthodox Community. The article will most likely be incorporated into JQY's training curriculum for Orthodox Mental Health Counselors. You can all feel free to make the connections for yourself. Some Highlights include:

The important of Deaf pride and not being seen as a disability but a difference to be valued:

-"In my deaf world we are proud of our deafness and carry it as a badge of honor. I know this sounds strange to you. Why would we be proud of being "disabled"? But the fact is that to us, deafness is NOT a disability but a different state of being. In our eyes, deaf people are not a subgroup of the disabled, but a minority group." -Rabbi Yehoshua Soudafoff

On the idea of fixing or curing deaf people:

-"I have asked many times if I have ever davened for the ability to hear. My answer is no. I never felt the need to daven for such a thing...I've always felt like a regular person and that there is nothing wrong with me." -Rabbi Yehosuah Soudakoff

-"I wouldn't want a doctor to 'fix me'. This is how G-d created me. This is my Identity". - Zissy Moskowitz (Orthodox interpreter and counselor)

On Orthodox Rabbinic Responses to Deaf People:

-" There is absolutely NO ROOM for being machmir when it comes to deaf people"

On some people coming up with other names or phrases to describe Deaf people:

-"You don't mind if I call you Jewish, do you? It's the same thing. It's who we are, and there is no need to try to invent fancy phrases to say the same thing. We are DEAF DEAF DEAF. (And JEWISH, JEWISH, JEWISH).

On Some Deaf Orthodox Jews needing to look outside of Orthodoxy and Judaism for resources and well-being:

-"...Abandoning their Judaism...I don't blame them (It isnt easy being Jewish and Deaf)."

-" Due to limited facilities for Jewish deaf children, (orthodox) parents reluctantly sent (Child) to St Vincent, a Catholic School."


Deaf Orthodox Jews face a myriad of Hallachic issues from hearing Shofar, Megilla, and Parshas Zachor, to wearing electric hearing aids on Shabbos and using electric lights and resources on shabbos that allow them to respond to their children, safety and the outside world. It is an issue where "different" not "disabled" people are in a category that allows for Hallachic exceptions, but still advocate for pride about their identities. The sentiments expressed in this article, are beautiful, and can help Orthodox parents, leaders, therapists and rabbis, embrace a similar approach to LGBT people in the frum community.

Good Yomtov all.

-Mordechai Levovitz
www.JQYouth.org

Redemption

Redemption does not come naturally. It can take years of servitude to a power you don't think you can overcome.

When you finally put in the effort to break through and maybe it involves a miracle or two, you can then feel redemption.

To each their own on his or her level. Small redemptions add up as well.

We can never allow ourselves to forget where we were and how far we've come.

Happy and healthy Passover to you and yours.

Physical and sexual abuse - "“It could be that the whole thing is a bubbe-mayse (Tall tale)"

When I was a child I suffered physical abuse by the hands of camp counselors for a full 2 month summer in a popular sleep away camp in the Catskills. It is something that I think about often even today 30 years later.

I have been 'blessed' to have never suffered sexual abuse. One can't compare abuses of any kind although I have met many victims of sexual abuse that suffer day in and day out their entire lives. It affects their interpersonal relationships, sexual identities/relationships and haunts them their entire lives sometimes in pain and agony. Many protect their abusers by thinking they deserve to be abused and/or they are terrified to say something.

Here is yet another chillul Hashem of huge proportions in relation to the victims of abuse. Greater the sting due to the stature of the Rabbi being quoted. It perpetuates abuse by protecting the abuser and worrying more about their reputation than it does the victims suffering.

Click here for the article

You want my donation... Are you kidding me???

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a contributor to many charities especially local ones. No one knows to what capacity because I have always kept it to myself.

For the record, there are many people who are reaching out to me for their charities. Be it board members, Rabbi's, rosh yeshivas or volunteers.

Understand that I see right through you. You haven't said a word to me since August. That is when I went through some of the biggest struggles of my life. Yes, it's been 8 months of hell without a word from you. Now you come to me for money. With all my gayness, challenges and lack of your communication, I am all of a sudden acceptable to you and by you to support your organizations.

Know that when I say yes and give your organization a donation, it is because I see past your BS. It is not because you individually are reaching out and/or are connected to it. Again; it is not because of you. It is because I am supporting your organization. I believe in it. I believe in your schools. I believe in children in need. I believe in kids at risk. I believe in giving back to my community.

Your inconsistency is not news to me because while you preach Torah, Avodah and Gemilus Chasadim, you honor people at your dinners and banquets that are crooks and lowlifes. In my line of work I deal with people on a financial scale who have treated me and my team with disrespect and have asked me to preform fraud on various levels. They ask me to do reprehensible acts with their threats and criticism. I of course never give in. These are chillul Hashems on the grandest of levels. At the same time, these are people you honor and show respect to. These are people who represent your organizations.

You clearly know who you are. I don't need to go into details.

I am not a sinner. I don't cheat in business. I treat people with love and respect. Yet, I am only reached out to when I am needed. Please don't prostitute yourself. It is not consistent with your teachings.

You should be ashamed of yourselves for selling your soul for a donation.

PS The irony is that the people from organizations that have kept up with me consistently are the ones that have not asked me at all for donations this year. Go figure.

PPS Just got a call from a Rabbi who is well aware of the struggles that I have gone through. HE is looking for money for his organization. I have heard from twice since this went down. Now and before Sukkos for the same reason. And the fun continues.

Purim; acceptance and hope...

I wanted to take a moment to thank so many people that made my Purim so special. I was very nervous going into the Holiday because it was the first time in about 8 months, since my story went public, that I planned on spending a nice amount of time in my former community. This is a community in which at the time I was outed, while getting a nice amount of support, I got more than my fair share of negativity, sprinkled with some very hurtful false rumors. I felt vulnerable and anxious going in.

A little bit of a back story. The week leading up to Purim was a great week. It had consistency. I was at peace with myself. I accomplished a lot at work. I hung out with a wonderful person who's friendship was recently rekindled. Initially I had planned to be in another city away from home for Purim. It was an incredibly exciting idea. A much hyped Purim party with many of my friends that I hadn't seen in a bit. For some reason that I couldn't quite put my finger on, I woke up on Thursday before my flight, anxious about going. Work was a bit crazy, my week leading up to it was so good, should I be changing my environment by traveling to another city?

I called a friend and presented my dilemma to him. He suggested that staying within my old community was dangerous because there were going to be people drinking heavy. He didn't want me to face people saying mean and insulting things to me. He didn't want me going backwards and creating more resentment in my life. I saw the rationale in his words. He is usually spot on. This time (thankfully) he couldn't have been further off base.

I initially followed his advice. I left town for the big city. I had a nice Thursday night with a friend. Friday morning I again woke up with anxiety. Work was crazy and to be honest, I was homesick. I made a quick and impulsive decision to go home. After many flight delays I got home literally minutes before Shabbos.

Purim came and I went to my old shul for megilla. Everyone I met was incredibly friendly and welcoming. The same thing happened when I went to a friend that evening. I used to go collecting for a local charity on the night of Purim with a bunch of close friends. 8 months ago I would never have thought that I would be doing that again. I was so humbled when I was invited to come along. I joined friends and even my ex-wifes family for this yearly event. I visited many homes of people who know my challenges, many intimately. They still welcomed me with hugs and kisses.

On Purim day I went to an old friend for a big breakfast bash he throws. I was invited to sit up front next to him. I again enjoyed meeting many old friends who showered me with love. I know this is boring and I sound like a broken record but the evening seudah brought me the same experience. At this party I met a number of Rabbi's who I hadn't seen in a while and they treated me with much love and support.

So again, I thank them all and I truly am humbled by their acceptance. This sent a strong message to me. It told me on a personal level that it is possible for me to reintegrate within the community as my comfort level allows. (With as much humility as I can say this) it told me that when one handles himself with class, dignity and grace and allows people time to digest and learn about something that is strange and confusing to them, it pays off in the long run. People who act impulsively and try to go on the offensive tends to push away rather than pull closer (I say that with no judgment).

On a big picture level I wonder if this is a sign for things to come. Could this have happened just a few years back? Is tolerance and sensitivity growing within our community? Can it be that seeing real, genuine and live people struggling with homosexuality gives them cause to rethink their position? I think the answer to all these questions is yes. This should truly be a cause of hope for the many suffering in silence and loneliness. It truly feels like a miracle.

The prayer 'Al Hanissim' certainly had more meaning for me this year. Hopefully more and more for years to come.

Sigh of relief

I feel really good tonight.

Even through some rough challenges, I am at peace with myself.

Something that has been sitting heavy on me for a long time has been reconciled with the kindness of another.

May this feeling stay with me for a while.

Thank you to a friend for being so strong. You inspire me. That's it.

Guest post - For married/divorced men...

This is an important guest post from a person who chooses to remain anonymous for the safety and security of his wife and children. I can vouch for this individuals sincerity and respect and discretion of others.


Let me tell you a bit about me...


I'm a married guy with a family. I went to yeshiva. I daven and learn daily and I am involved in my community. This might sound typical with one caveat; I am gay. This is the secret I lived with through all of my yeshiva years and continue to live with many years later, every day. You see, very few people know whats really going on in my head. Unfortunately and painfully, this is something I can't share with my wife either. The loneliness is unbearable at times. I'm sure there are others out there like myself but its way too dangerous to go looking. It got me thinking; What if we were able to create a safe community in which we can finally feel unashamed of who we are? A community with no agenda other than people like us having a safe place to be themselves. A place where we can share and support each other. I envision this having both an Internet based and therapist led discussion groups. Being that we are married, discretion is a must and all participants will be vetted. No one will ever have to reveal any information tied to identity. At this point I am in developmental stages of this idea. If you are married/divorced and have interest, please email me with ideas or questions at marriedfrumgay@gmail.com. Please include your age and city (if you are comfortable). I am looking forward to hearing from you.