A Guest Post

This is a post from a man who reached out to discuss his struggle with me. I respect and honor his struggle. I am inspired by his fight and consider him a good friend. 

These are his words. 

You are not alone.

 

I didn’t always know this. I still don’t feel it. 

I do know that I don’t have to feel alone. I am not the only one, I am not evil or bad, nor am I god’s mistake.

 

Oh, I am married, frum and Gay too. Growing up I was miserable. I would always think what would happen if [enter name] or [enter any authority figure I should trust] found out.

 

I can’t tell a soul. I am different. I can’t trust anyone. I don’t know what would be with me if they knew I was gay. I was close to a Rebbe in High School. I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t. If only he knew the real me. He would have no choice but to get rid of me.

 

Hiding and masking my real feelings became who I am. I still prefer to just be alone. It is less complicated. I missed the stages where others learn to socialize and just be. Just be part of the crowd and not justify my right to fit in. I guess it is like the kid who never learned to tie his shoe. Or that person who never learned to swim.

Therapy has taught me a lot. But it can’t teach me what I would’ve learned as a “regular teen” in high school. It also can’t undo the years of inadequacy.

 

The thought of high school brings pain and loneliness. The pain of feeling different and ashamed. The loneliness because no friend or person could fill the void I had in my heart. Back then I thought I knew who I would want to fill the void but also knew I would never live that way. You would think I shouldn’t have felt alone because I was one of the great ball players in school and camp. You would never think someone like me can be this way.

 

 

I tried the “change and make me not gay" therapy during my two yeshiva years in Israel. Apparently, never trying hard enough because it didn’t work. I’m consoled this no longer is an acceptable modality. I could’ve saved a lot of money and years thinking I am not a failure at one more thing in life. Trying to change someone “this” way is wrong. Leading one to this false belief is murderous. It just leads them to false hope and a feeling of failure down the line.

 

Years Later I decided to share it with this rebbe I mentioned I was close to. I had hoped that perhaps in doing so it would make a difference to one Talmid of his. Upon sharing it he said he was sorry he didn’t know I was in pain back then and we both cried together. This gives me hope and encouragement for some form of social change happening.

 

I also know that society isn’t ready to accept that some people are different. We didn’t want to talk about cancer or infertility and now we do. Although, I don’t recall cancer and infertility jokes being ok. 

 

Well like every good movie – It is coming to a family near you in the next 5 years whether you like ‘them’ or not.

 

I will be honest and say I don’t know what the secular political way should be. As difficult as it is I understand the religious perspective. Unfortunately, this whole discussion has turned political, our thoughts are biased by politics more than the religious understanding. I don’t know when children should be taught or told of what is called alternative lifestyles. I don’t think it is a school’s decision to make. However, our children should never be made to feel they are receiving our ‘alternative’ version of love. I often wonder how I would react to one of my children being gay. I just cry and imagine crying with them. I would cry because I don’t see a short-term end to their pain. Yet, I know I needn’t worry about this because this could never happen to my own perfect family.

 

We must realize acceptance and love isn’t condoning a lifestyle or a political statement. Unconditional love towards a child isn’t conditional on their sexual orientation. The only way to create a safe place for an open dialogue with our children is to no longer make the gay comments or jokes that are socially acceptable.

Giving credit where it’s due

On the 1 year anniversary of the WHO calling Covid 19 a pandemic I received my second Moderna vaccine. When I received it I felt an obvious sigh of relief but also a sense of accomplishment. I made it. I made it through the year maintaining my sobriety. Not a single drop of alcohol or any other substance to help me through it. (Almost 3 years now). It was by far the hardest work year I have had. The most anxiety ridden year. Sickness and death of family and friends. But I felt it all. I was present. 

When I went to the Dr this morning, I had to answer the question, “Have you been out of the State in the last 2 weeks?״. I had to laugh. I haven’t been out of The state in 13 months. 

530,000 people have died in the US of Covid. 

Yes. There are 525,600 minutes in a year. One death a minute. 

I watched the last year go by with people going to political rally’s with thousands, and not wearing masks or social distancing. 

I’ve seen weddings with hundreds doing the same. I’ve seen funerals (of people who died of Covid ironically) with hundreds of people attending with barely any masks. People were vacationing like nothing was going on. Holiday weekends. All of these turned out to be major superspreaders. 

None of us in “real” life would ever consider ourselves guilty of manslaughter and certainly not murder, but those who believe in an afterlife may agree with me that there will be clarity one day when we stand in the true reality. The most ‘pious’ of us have murdered. The most ‘righteous’ may have massacred. Many have done this in the name of a higher purpose. I am comfortable and confident in saying that no God wanted his servants to spread Covid and hurt and kill others. 

I stand tall and proud in knowing that while I wasn’t perfect, I worked really hard to keep myself and push my family to be as safe and careful as possible. We all made it through without having gotten the disease.  

I am on a flight now heading out to Fort Lauderdale. I will be with my family for the week and I couldn’t be more excited. 

I’m proud of myself. I earned this time away after an excruciating year. 

I’m excited to use it in the best way possible. For connection. For love and for family. What else do we have if not connection? 

Please stay healthy and safe. 

Reflections on Yom Kippur and the year that passed...

This past year has been really difficult. I have been under the radar a bunch because a lot has been going on that has been incredibly traumatic. I have been working on myself in a number of different ways and thankfully seeing really strong improvement.

According to tradition, everything that took place this past year was decided and sealed in God’s “book” a year ago on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

Here are some things that shook me.

A friends son, (who is a friend of my son) died by getting hit by a car. The death had a number of ironies of which I wrote about in a previous post.

My closest friend who was one of the few who truly loved me without judgment, died suddenly of a heart attack at his office. I had spoken with him the day before and we had lunch planned later in the week. There is no one left in my life that I cared for and cared for me in that way.

I got into a really bad car accident. I am blessed to have not been hurt, but it did shake me pretty bad.

That same night of my accident, my son was in a really bad motorcycle accident. I had limited information for close to 3 hours. The hardest 3 hours of my life. This was coupled with the fact that his best friend had just died as well in the same area. I have had a number of relatives (cousin, brother in law, brother in law’s sister etc) and people close to me die in car accidents. He was wearing a helmet, which saved his life, but suffered a number of broken bones and a crazy amount of road burn. Again, I am blessed it was nothing worse and he has almost entirely healed.

I have another child who went through incredibly difficult challenges this year that I can’t really get into. Due to his challenges, I couldn’t visit my other son after the accident. This was so incredibly difficult.

I ended a 3.5 year relationship with someone that meant the world to me and that I loved and still love. I was going through so much emotional and trauma related weakness that I hurt him pretty bad. I begged for forgiveness but I don’t feel like I’ve been blessed with it. In whichever way I can, I forgive him for the ways that he may have wronged and hurt me.

Before this all happened, I entered a 12 step program for addiction to alcohol. My partner was the one that pushed me in that direction. I am grateful to him for that. I had been using alcohol to numb myself at times. After stopping to drink and now being sober for 5 months, I am forced to feel. I felt all of the above so deeply and did not pick up a drink through it all. This is a miracle unto itself. I was advised by my partner to stop taking anxiety medication because sobriety meant not using them. I didn't know otherwise and almost lost my mind and even done worse to myself. I had talked about it in an AA meeting and pretty much got scolded by all the "old timers" for stopping medication. The reality is that I felt all those experiences so deeply. I wasn’t finished mourning one when the other hit and the next and next etc.

At the same time, I am so thankful for my beautiful family. Every one of my children is wonderful. Polite, sensitive, loving and giving. They are healthy. I am healthy. While I deal with depression, anxiety and trauma, I have done a lot this year to help me learn skills to cope. I  accept myself for who I am and to accept my struggles (rather than continuing to suppress them), and how to manage them. For that I am grateful. I am successful in work and have had some high points in that area this past year. I am meeting many wonderful people in AA and creating strong friendships. Mostly, I am getting a lot closer to loving myself for who I am.I am able to share that love with others. I am around people who help me grow.

All the challenges have helped me improve and have taught me how I continue to be strong in the face of grave difficulty.

Tomorrow, God will seal his new book for the coming year; I wish us all love and the ability to love others. Kindness and to be kind. Happiness and to make others happy. Health, success and mostly peace of mind.

I pray; “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

Hugs and kisses.

FGM

Blue (Sapphire) Eyes / Forgiveness

Even though I have self interest in what I say, please take it as you will. 

It is ok to have a forgiving nature. 

It is God’s way. 

Don’t deny yourself the ability to forgive quickly.  It is a blessing that far outweighs its curse.

Don’t fight it. Don’t talk yourself out of it. 

Please don’t change anything about yourself. 

Blue eyes

Blue eyes
Baby's got blue eyes
Like a deep blue sea
On a blue blue day

Blue eyes
Baby's got blue eyes
When the morning comes
I'll be far away
And I say

Blue eyes holding back the tears
Holding back the pain
Baby's got blue eyes
And she's alone again

Blue eyes
Baby's got blue eyes
Like a clear blue sky
Watching over me

Blue eyes
Ooh I love blue eyes
When I'm by her side
Where I long to be
I will see

Blue eyes laughing in the sun
Laughing in the rain
Baby's got blue eyes
And I am home, and I am home again

Blue eyes laughing in the sun
Laughing in the rain
Baby's got blue eyes
And I am home again

- Elton John 

I have no right to offer you a laugh in the sun and certainly not a laugh in the rain. 

But I know that wherever your home may be, you will find it 

because anyone can see it; your sapphire eyes, the windows to your beautiful soul. 

- FGM

True Colors

Green, the color of life, renewal, nature and energy
Purple, the color of power, ambition, magic and luxury
Side by side; a power to create a fusion of magic and energy
However, combining the two colors, creates a dark grey or even a black hue

Grey, the color of uncertainty

Grey, a sad thread through all existence

Black, the absence of color

Black, a mystery, a dark hole, the unknown

A darkened grey amplifies the uncertainty
It creates confusion
It twists the soul
It represents loss and depression

You are green.
I am purple.
Mixed together, we are grey

We are dark grey

We are scared,

We are scarred,
We are tired,
Deprived of rest

How do we love from close and far

How do we live with hearts aching
Why do we long to touch
Why do we cry as we imagine our embrace

We walk an unsecured path
We take risks in the moment

We hurt in our essence
Yet the love never dies

After reflection, we grasp the truth
Love is not the combined
Love is colors lying at each others side
Strong enough to hold their own

We realize that Green is in the east
Purple in the West
From afar, a higher power connects us
And although we stand alone, our power of renewal will live always and forever .

Death... Questions and Ironies

It's a sad day. A friend of mine's son passed away. He was also a close friend of my son. He was hit by a car 2 weeks ago. He was in a coma and passed away last night on Purim eve. The happiest day on the Jewish Calendar. It's the day we dress up in costumes, drink wine until we are confused about the good guys and bad guys and celebrate redemption from the cold hands of the Persians many years ago (just like any Jewish holiday; people wanted to kill us and we got out of the mess, Let's eat!)

This boy had a problem. He was in treatment at a rehab facility and had been about 6 months sober.

Kids who are using (I don't know what it is that he was doing), could die many different ways. We all unfortunately know some who have. 

Irony of all ironies after working through the hardest challenge of his life, he died by getting hit by a car.

So hard to understand. I feel so much for the parents. As a parent of a child who has gone through a similar story, knowing the torturous pain of dealing with a child that is an addict for years. The pain that comes which watching him go through treatment. The hope that he will now find a way. One month sober, 3 months sober, 6 months sober. The change; the gratitude he has, gives us the hope that he may be on his way to leading a happy and productive life. (I know this isn't important but it cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to help your child through a good rehab facility).

To then see your child lost in this way, is an irony that begs for an answer. That the child died on Purim is also an irony that is truly hard to understand.

That said, we can seldom understand. So we pray to a higher power, whatever that may mean to you. 

We get angry, we ask questions and we hope that some entity or being is listening.

I only wish peace, love and happiness from here on out and hope the family gets through this difficult time the best they can. One Day at a Time.

Had to share. Thanks for reading.

With love and care, me

An article that struck me as worth sharing

I know it's been a while. I wanted to share an article that I thought was poignant relating to the Orlando massacre.

OU message

"I came out to my wife... A new chapter...."

Is it really 4 years since I came out to my wife? I wrote this post a day after. When I think about it, I almost relive it. The intensity of the pain I felt in that moment was tangible. I was so very close to saying goodbye to the world. I was so close to ending it all... Somehow I found the strength to open up and share. My wife's reaction and our support for each other and our family is what kept us going.

Here is a re-blog of that post.

I came out to my wife... A new chapter....

Eshel Revisited

Today will be the beginning of the Eshel Shabatton where LGBTQ Jews from all different walks of life will get together to show support and love for each other. It is an amazing way to remind ourselves that we are not alone.

Below are links to my posts after last years amazing weekend. This will be my second year. As with Grease 2 and Blues Brothers 2000, its hard to beat the original; I am hoping and confident that this will be my "Dark Knight' or 'Empire Strikes Back'. I will share more about the 2014 experience in weeks to come.


Eshel 2013 - part 1


Eshel 2013 - Part 2

Ambiguous update (But an update nonetheless)

My apologies for the ambiguity of this post. I need to toe the line between bearing my soul and protecting those closest to me.

The last few months have been intense. I have had some amazing highs but some really intense lows. The highs were pretty much tied to one experience that grew in intensity over this period. Even those high's felt short lived as they were laced with complication and confusion. As such, the lows were primarily from the same experience. I have also experienced some lows tied to a number of other personal happenings in my life. The challenges tend to come in bulk for me.

First the high. Connection. When one can share their life with another and have someone to carry their burdens with, it's not just a sharing of the challenge. Rather, the challenges feel diminished. You simply deal. You feel confident. You feel like you can take on the world. You feel like you have ownership of yourself. I felt this at times.

Conversely, when connection is shaky, when your life gets hit by flaky friendships bordering on dishonesty, people who commit and then renig on their commitments, you feel minimized. You feel taken advantage of. You feel weak. Every problem seems to compound. Connection is lost.

The last little bit of my life makes me think of a boxing match. At first you get hit by a jab. You have your hands up trying to protect your face. You may block one or two punches and slow your opponent down. Then you get hit by another jab... and another one. There is blood starting to drip from your nose. Your lip is starting to swell. Next comes an upper cut. Your head starts to spin. You wonder how you got here. You thought you were stronger and up for the fight. You wonder how you ever thought this was a good idea. Your arms get heavy and you start letting your guard down, a layer of sweat escaping your pores. Then comes the left hook. A combination of sweat and blood burst from your face. If you are lucky you hit the ropes on your way down. Either way you end up on the floor while the countdown starts. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4... you struggle trying to get up. The recognition settles in. Your body loses all control as you are painfully humbled. You are down for the count. 3-2-1. You are done.

Every fight you've had seems to come back to you at once. Your heart breaks. You moan and cry. You are lucky to have a small team of trainers that pick you up from the ground. You are still limp though. Your head is playing tricks on you.

You look over and there is your opponent and his team lifting their hands in triumph. With pity in the victors eye, he comes over to mention the obligatory "nice fight". You want to believe the sincerity but as he looks you in the eye you can see him focusing on his next fight. You have a conflicting sense of relief for a moment. Then you again recognize you are beat.

Then there is a moment of clarity....

It may seem like the ones you are boxing are your friends, maybe even your best friend and painfully your family. But when it comes down to it you are battling, sparring and hurting yourself. 

You consider retirement. You want to hang your gloves up. You give it a week or so. You reflect. You tell yourself that there is still a fight in you. You visit your trainer. With a resolve and with the knowledge that there is a lot of pain to come, you say, "I would like to start training once again".

That is where I am at today.