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Introduction... (The first blog post in 2011)...

I am a frum, gay & married male who feels compelled to share. Let me get this out of the way, when I say I am gay ,  I will qualify it...

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Wow... Rumor has it....

The nonsense and rumors people are saying about me is unreal. I am done defending myself. It's one thing for me to say that I won't judge the negative reactions because people hearing this have no frame of reference (they don't realize I have been dealing with this for 27 years), but to create and spread false rumors, hard for me to be understanding.

My non Jewish assistant sends me "They should add a law against gossip in Shul.  It would be pretty quiet."

In case you thought I was over exaggerating about who's looking at this blog and spreading it through email; after Friday when 2000 people looked at it; on shabbos 91 people looked at it (a number of them from Israel); so far since motzei shabbos 1300 people have looked. Rabbi's, People from Cleveland, Canada, New York etc have shared with me that the blog address was emailed to them. 

I am amazed at what some of you folks find happiness in. 

Shame. Shame. Shame. 

PS thanks again I those who have taken the time to reach out to me and write beautiful comments, emails and texts. 


  1. I have been hearing a lot about your situation. There's is just something that I really don't understand a was hoping you could help me understand.

    I have read some of your earlier posts and it is clear you are very in touch with you inner feelings and emotions. You have identified these feelings of male intimacy as a ramification of childhood events. You have also mentioned that you have never acted on these feelings.

    If you know what the root is AND you have never acted upon them then why not just go to therapy and work out you past issues? There are many organizations both Jewish and not Jewish, whos focus is for people in your situation. I personally know a few yeshivish guys who have gone through these issues as well and had it worked out.

    Why all the flash with your situation? Why use the term "frum gay" when you KNOW people are not going to understand you never acted upon them? If you are just havening intimacy issues, why the Facebook post of "hes gay and i'm cool with it?"

    As you can see from you page views thousands of people are now aware of your situation and anyone who has anything to do with your community or work is aware of your situation.

    The unfortunate reality is that a chillul Hashem has been made. Deep down I know this was not your intention and I know your main goals were to just ease some of your unbearable pain and loneliness and to give guidance and help to others who are suffering like yourself.

    I must admit that when I saw you in the months leading up to your coming out you were clearly in a lot of pain. While I didn't know what or why you were clearly suffering.

    My main questions is that, if there are ways to deal with your issues quietly, tell your wife work it out with therapy and organizations that deal with this, keep you family intact throughout, why did you feel it necessary to label yourself gay and cause such an uproar that the effects will no doubt be felt for generations to come for your family, when you knew people wouldn't understand the true meaning of the word especially in our community?

    1. I have been in therapy for 12 years with all intent to make it work an with a lev shaleim. I did all the therapsy's you mention. It didn't work. The most conservative approach is that it works 30% of the time. Some say none (long term) and say some anywhere in between.

      I answered your other questions in different posts. I am gay and I am not apologizing for it. 2 different rabbanim in town answered my question the same way when I told them I was concerned about chillul Hashem. They said its the community makin the chillul Hashem. I am making a Kiddush Hashem. If you have the guts to email me privately Rey said I can give their number to anyone who has questions.

      as an aside, I never posted anything on Facebook.

    2. I should correct myself to say "some" of the community I causing the chillul Hashem. I might have implied all.

      As well I forget to mention how you say "Tell your wife to work it out..." do you even hear what you are saying? Tell her!!?!! Is that your relationship with your wife? I am so lucky to have who I have. Wow.

    3. I stand corrected. I did not proof my post well enough. I never wrote "Tell your wife to work it out" i wrote " if there are ways to deal with your issues quietly, tell your wife work it out" Meaning Tell your wife (which you did) and work it out with her privately.

      I don't mean to question the Rabbonim, im sure they are great people. but unfortunately i have seen many great Rabbanim including people who are "experts" in this field totally destroy Bachurim by giving them wrong advice.

      With all do respect to them, i still fail to see the purpose and/or the kiddush hashem from the public spectacle.

      Listen, i wont deny this, I want to eat a mcdonalds sandwich, i never did, but ever time i pass the billboard my mouth waters and i wish i could sink my teeth into it.

      I would NEVER label myself frum, trief eating jew.

      The point is just because you struggle with something, but have never acted upon it, why label yourself in such a public way?

    4. I'm busy now but bad analogy to McDonald's. People don't commit suicide, suffer a life of depression and hopelessness because of a taava for a cheeseburger. I will continue later...

  2. I, unfortunately, admit to being one of the "googlers" who went looking for this blog. However, having read every wod that you have written, I am angry at myself and all others that have turned your life into a spectator sport. I am sorry for the challenges you are facing and the eloquence with which you describe those challenges is inspiring. You are lucky to have the support of your family and close friends and hopefully your words will turn more people who came out of morbid curiosity into friends and sources of compassion.

  3. Your family is great. You are, too.

    The community is embarrassing, clone Jews. You knew what you were getting into when you showed the power of your convictions. Thank your parents for teaching you honesty. The frum community is primitive, medieval, backwards, close minded, negative, selfish, unloving. That's a bad way to start Choydesh Elul.

  4. I would agree that many are. I will say that there are wonderful and amazing people that have shown me love care and support. Your poin is unfortunately a good one because that is in many instances the image that jumps out at people.

  5. You are Strong very strong
    it is very easy for people to talk under this blog and say how they would do different in this situation.
    the problem is this. as you said if this blog saves one person from hurting themselves it paid to have this.
    why is it everyone's concern how or why you live your live in " that" way. if they really cared they would reach out to you and give you a hand while you are down instead of showering you with nonsense.
    no one is forcing them to look here and gossip about you.
    but the number of how many people checked in is not for the gossip sake . most the people love and care for you so they want to see what happened and what you went though and actually feel some passion and emotion for you.
    if for conversation sack Muhammad ali stopped boxing and started a blog for a year and someone discovered it after a year people arnt going on the blog to say " wow lets see what the talk is about" . they are going on to see where you have been and why you have the blog.
    you are very into being "Dan lickaf zichus", maybe think of it the flip side that people want to see what happened and help you and see what you went thru.
    and the people that despise you or talk bad about you dont know you who you are on the inside but see who you are on the outside.