Featured Post

Introduction... (The first blog post in 2011)...

I am a frum, gay & married male who feels compelled to share. Let me get this out of the way, when I say I am gay ,  I will qualify it...

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Pain on Tisha B'Av

On this saddest day of the Jewish calendar we say our Kinus mostly with the words zchor, remember and aicha, how. I want to take a moment to ask and remember about the pain and tears that we won't otherwise discuss today.


Remember those who experience their own silent inner holocaust. Those who suffer the abuse of others who are charged to care for them. Remember the mothers that ate their children's spirits because their hunger, ego and selfishness knew no bounds.

Aicha - Hashem. How do you allow this to happen?

Remember those who suffer silently. Those who can't share their pain with their friends and family. Those who's pain festers and whose sadness spills out uncontrollably at times.  Those who yearn for a love that they are denied.

Aicha - Hashem. When will this pain end?

Remember those who have lost loved ones. Those who have lost parents, children, friends and lovers. Be it a life lost or a relationship destroyed, the pain is unbearable.

Aicha - Hashem - Where are you?

Remember those who want to know you. Those who yearn to feel your intimacy and your love. Those who want to feel your embrace. Those who want to get a glimpse of the loving, caring and intimate G-d who's beauty should be evident in the world.

Remember those who dont feel your love and are leaving yiddishkeit to escape the pain and confusion.

Aicha - Hashem, why can't we feel you?

Hashem, I beg you. May we have no more pain. May those who have pain be blessed with the ability to use it as a means of growth and connection to you.

Let the questions, How, When, Where and Why be answered soon in our day.


  1. hello, just testing more to follow.

  2. I am married with 3 children. Live a closeted life. I have had a long and difficult journey. I meditate regularly and have learned to find the goodness in every moment. I am at times very lonely and empty and carry much emotional baggage. Tisha Bav is extremely important for me because I mourn the loss of my temple within.
    I was born a beautiful child into a so called orthodox family. My Father was extremely orthodox and my Mother pretended to be while she secretly violated the Shabbos. My parents fought everyday and I grew up scared. My Mother took me into her bed and sexually abused me. My brother also sexually abused me. I grew up in a holocaust and yet somehow survived. I was very wealthy and then lost everything only to come to terms with the past and face it rather then hiding from it. I remember going to school everyday, thinking my lunch was poisoned. I use to throw out the lunch. I went to school carrying secrets. I deal with that traumatized child everyday and father him. So much more to write, Just a beginning.

  3. No one would ever know what I carry. I function everyday. I am a leader, caretaker, mentor Father figure to many. I have worked hard to heal. I have been through 12 years of intense therapy, psycho drama sessions, and now work to just be present. I no longer sleep walk and am aware of my feelings. I know that I will never fully heal from the trauma. I have good friends but still live in secrecy. I am not sure of the future but know the only moment that counts is this very one. I love your blog and I admire your courage.

  4. I know when I get up to the next world I have a free pass.
    I have been through the pain in this world more then enough to atone for any sins.
    I was an innocent child born to insanity.
    I want to tell you a story. My Father was so frum. He went to shul twice a day. He was always supposedly working while my Mother took me in her bed. One day he caught my brother masturbating and he went crazy say that it is not permitted. My older brother one day on a Sunday when my Father was suppose to be at work walked into a porn movie theater and who was sitting there? You guessed it, my Father. So my brother walks out and never mentions it till 25 years later. He tells my father what he lived with and confronts him. You know what my holy father said "what's the big deal?"