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I am a frum, gay & married male who feels compelled to share. Let me get this out of the way, when I say I am gay ,  I will qualify it...

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I came out to my father....

Last week I had a conversation with my father. We were discussing the challenges I am having in my relationship with my wife. He did not know about my struggles with homosexuality. We had discussed the marital struggles before but I could not be forthright because I wouldn't share the gay piece. I would always just ask him to respect that I couldn't share everything with him.

However after being asked alot of questions that past time and really not being able to answer; I finally said to myself. It's time. I don't have much to lose at this point. I said to my father something like, "you have been saying that you want to be there for me 24/7, that you will always love me unconditionally. If you truly want to know what I am going through I will be challenging those ideals". I asked him if he was prepared to hear something very difficult. Without a beat he said yes. It took me a minute or two but I finally got it out.

I told him I truly believed that I am homosexual. I shares with him the struggles I've had through the years. Again without missing a beat he said something like this; "I feel horrible for the pain that you have been through. I can't even imagine what it's been like and I am hurting for you." He continued by relaying to me that there is nothing I can tell him that will make him love me any less.

 I cried.... Alot.

We went on to talking about issues I had with my upbringing; the bullying in school, the abuse in camp. I had no one to turn to. He told me that he wished he could turn back time and be a better father for me and he's so sorry that there is no switch he can flip to turn back time. He said that even though he knows that he could have been a better person and father, he knows that he is a different person now and that he will love me unconditionally until 120.

 To put this into perspective, my father is a "type A" personality. He is as much of a man as a man could be (in societies view). He is and always has been an orthodox Jew and the child of holocaust survivors. I am not sure what I was to expect but this was not it. He did not have a word of doubt or criticism. He did not ask me if I am sure. He did not recommend therapy etc... He just acknowledged his love for me no matter what.

For the last 4 days since this conversation, I have spoken to him many times and he has not wavered. When I now say "I love you" to him I mean it with all my heart. I am blown away by what took place and I am so incredibly thankful. Within my God struggle, for the first time in a long time, I felt compelled to say thank you to him.

 I am not sure where things will go with my wife or my dad for that matter but for the first time in my 35+ years of life I can finally say and feel with all my heart, "I have a father".


  1. Fantastic. Life is full of surprises, isn't it?

  2. This is such an uplifting post!

  3. I'm not surprised. He's a realist, knows his son, respects your abilities, and loves you unconditionally.

  4. Whoa... halevai it should go like this when I come out to my family. How wonderful.

  5. I'm a dad of sons. It is amazing just how much love parents feel for their children. Ultimately, I believe that we love our children more than we fear that with which we may not be familiar. Your dad has known you all your life. You may not have surprised him as much as you think. And even if you did, and even if he disapproved of homosexuality before you told him, after hearing the words from one of the people he loves more than anyone in the world he will never think of it in the same way again. After reading your blog, it seems clear that you are a loving, gentle, thoughtful soul, especially in how you shared your news with your wife and your dad. My friend, your voice simply uttered the words of God.