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I am a frum, gay & married male who feels compelled to share. Let me get this out of the way, when I say I am gay ,  I will qualify it...

Monday, August 6, 2012

I am now out...

So folks, the day has come. I have been outed to the public (not by choice, but by community gossip) but yet I feel relieved. I will not be publishing my name on my blog. This may come sometime in the future but for now I will be keeping the blog anonymous. I am sure some will put it together although I talk about family members and  negativity in my upbringing. People search my name thousands of times a year due to the work I do and I don't want it to connect to the blog.


Once my wife and I decided to divorce, she became. my biggest advocate and has verbalized that she is my best friend and that she is happy for me and feels I am doing the right thing. We talk all the time and have Shabbat meals and dinners with the kids every week.

My wife and I told our children together about the divorce and homosexuality (which was extremely powerful) and I got some interesting questions like "So why did you get married in the first place". To comments that "you are my dad no matter what and I am happy for you that you are finding yourself and won't have to hide any more". That was my oldest who is a teenage boy.

I am so proud of them and very proud of myself for how I have allowed this journey to play out. Class, dignity, compassion and sensitivity. And it has paid off.  I will always be their for them. I am gay but I am their dad and my wife's best friend.

Over the months I had many people tell me how I am going to screw up my family, my kids will hate me etc... I believe you are correct in so far as the person going through it wasn't a caring and loving father, husband and friend. I believe I spent my entire life building up to this moment. I spent my years being a great husband to my wife, a loving and supportive dad to my kids and a friend who is there for people no matter the circumstances. This is why people taken it well. It's because they love me and know my core. I have heard numerous times from people who have no reference to homosexuality that I come out to that nothing has changed. They tell me "you are still the same person we have grown to love".

Any way, like I said, I am not hiding anymore. I am proud. I am not advertising my homosexuality but I am not denying it either.

I am close to the happiest I have ever been in my life.

Thanks to those who have been supportive. To those who have been critical, you have been mistaken in so far as you generalized and had no frame of reference to who I was or am. That's a shame.

Thanks all.


  1. Mazel Tov. I'm very happy to hear that things worked out great between you and your family. Good luck on your journey.

  2. I think it's great that you have a family that is supportive and that you feel happy. That's what matters most.

    The frum community isn't exactly inspiring, unfortunately.

    But, you do.

    Thank you.

  3. Michael (San Francisco)August 7, 2012 at 6:47 PM

    in answer to "anonymous", it depends on which frum community you are talking about. There is a range of communities out there... try to choose one that is accepting!

  4. In what capacity do you think I am crazy? Does my writing imply mental illness? Please do explain rather than posting 3 words without having the courage or middos (manners) to respect and ask like a humble and sensitive person.

    PS I have the ability to choose to publish or not publish peoples comments. I chose to publish yours to demonstrate exactly what the reason why frum gay people commit suicide, leave Judaism and suffer a life of pain and depression.

  5. I know you from before you moved too ..... you where always a great guy. About a week ago I heard you were getting divorced and I was flabbergasted how could it be you guys always looked so happy? Well today I understand while there is some criticism I have on your story I will not share it. Your story is very inspiring go make sure that you have a therapist that will deal with you whenever needed. It is bad enough that yourkids will spend there life in a divorced home they don't need there gay old man committing suicide too.

  6. Wow. "gay old man". That was very sensitive. Thanks for the chizzuk. :-(

  7. It's amazing what people can write under the cloak of anonymity. If people have negative things to say and know me, they should have the courage to say who they are.

  8. When I said. Gay old man I meant old man as in their dad

  9. its really sad that your getting support for being a public avaryon. the torah calls is an abomonation and you run around trying to make it ok. people like you are destroying judaism. dont call me close minded for not being able to accept what you are doing as a jew if its 100% assur min hatorah. i hope you do tshuva. please post this to show the "other side" of the argument

  10. Thank you for allowing to make a point. Here is the problem with the frum community. They don't make a distinction between an inclination and the act. I have NEVER in my life done what the torah says is assur. R' Dovid Cohen and Reb Shmuel Kamenetsky both said the same thing in reference to me personally. That if I waled into thei room they would stand up for me. R'Cohen continued to say that if I withstadn this test I will have gan eden for me and my family for netzach netzachim. His words.

    Now you please respond and tell me your thoughts. Please read all my blog poss before you respond. Al tadin es ha'adam ad shetagiya l'mkomo.

  11. As an aside; You will be dan in shamayim for being dan me and saying Motzei shem ra. I have had gedolei hadar tell me this is the case. Talk about teshuva... Feel free to email me privately to ask for mechila. festerfest123@gmail.com

  12. Why am I not surprised that there is no response to the last few comments? You are a coward.

  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

  14. I have read through your blog and though I am not gay. I find it interesting how you wrote your struggle with it.
    What I can't understand if you don't plan on acting on your homosexual taaivos. Why don't you stay married for the sake of your children. Why did you choose to come out? You and your wife would've known and that's all

    1. You bring up some valid points.

      (Please read my last blog post to answer some of your points)


      Right now, I will not go into the question about why gay men choose to come out. I will comment on that another time because I do not have an issue with that.

      What I will do, is share with you my personal experience.

      I did not choose to come out, I was out outed by certain community members.

      I made two mistakes. The first was to vocally show support for gay people when rabbis in town chose to cancel a forum that was supposed to teach people sensitivity and compassion for gay people. That in and of itself would not have put up any red flags toward my sexuality.

      The second "mistake", was to not fight with my wife. I know this sounds silly, but not fighting with my wife, and being her best friend, and having a great marriage, did not allow people to put our divorce in perspective. Many people from community members to my family to my wife's family could not understand if we loved each other so much why we would get divorced. We would try to comfort others by telling them that even though we are going through this, we are best friends and love each other. Again, this is confusing. There then started speculation and people started putting this and my first "mistake" together, and actually started asking my wife if I was gay. Why my wife and not me, I don't understand. (As an aside, if you think someones gay, don't as their spouse and don't ask the person themselves for that matter.)

      Before I knew it, people on the street were talking about the fact that I was gay. Know that every move we have made has been with asking Rabbonim as well as therapists what we should do next. I was advised that at this point it made sense to tell both my children and our families what the truth was so that they don't hear it from others. This was one of the most harrowing and difficult choices of my life, but I followed through on it. As you can see my wife has been amazing and my children incredibly strong. This extends to my family as well, and they have been incredibly supportive; both mine and my wife's.

      To the question about why I chose to get divorced and not stay married, that is a personal question that I will not address. All I can say, is that there are two parties to be sensitive to when a decision is made whether to stay married or not. Both have needs that have to be met.

      Thank you again for asking your questions with sensitivity.

  15. There is no such thing as gayness... U obviously just need the attention...

    1. Just in case you thought the idiots were in hiding....