Fighting a good cause

JONAH lawsuit

It's about time. Please don't argue that it helps some, because even if that is true (which is clearly debatable), it hurts and kills many more.

Giving Thanks...

It's been over 2 months since my last post on September 14th.

I have been asked numerous times over the last couple of months when I would be posting again. People tell me they check often to see if anything new is up. When I was asked most recently, I stopped and thought about it for a minute. I realized that my writing mostly has come from conflict and pain. When I am hurting, the words spill out and my fingers move faster than my brain thinks.

I'll never forget the time that my friend Chaim who writes a blog at http://gottagivemhope.blogspot.com/ asked me to guest post on his website. The link is Here. I wrote it in a half hour. I was in one of my worst, most deeply painful places when I wrote that. I feel like it is from my best writing though.

The great news is that outside of a few isolated incidents I am in a really good place right now. I have never been more proud, confident and honest in my entire life. I therefore haven't had the drive or motivation to write much.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to take a few moments to talk about the things I am most thankful for.

I am most thankful for the love and support of my ex-wife. While times haven't always been perfect, she has shown exceptional strength and courage through our challenges. As word was getting out about my being gay and negativity started rearing its ugly head, this is what my wife (at the time) posted to the public on Facebook;

My dearest *****,
I want to start out by saying I love you. Before I go any further, if for some reason, u don't make it thru this letter, I wanna make sure u know I love u.
I can't begin to understand what life is like for u. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be you right now. Especially after all you've done for so many people only to have many of them turn their backs on u. You know what they say, that usually that means they see a little of u in themselves. They can't deal. Because they know how amazing u are. They know that u have the biggest heart of any man alive. They know that it took more courage and strength for you to be you than they will ever have in their whole lives. They are jealous. "They" are insignificant. "They" didn't get to spend 18 years with u. "They" didn't get to have the most amazing kids on the planet with u. "They" didn't get to grow and learn with u and from u the way I have. "They" are "pots calling the kettle black". What happened to "love thy neighbor". What happened to not judging? Not casting stones? Not speaking Loshon Horah? Nothing. They are still there. In neon lights. Blazing overhead. And "they" are blind.
Please don't use "them" as ur guide. "They" are insignificant.
U are, BY FAR, the most amazing, wonderful, loving, warm, caring, smart, special, sensitive, amazing (it bears repeating) person I know.
I am honored and privileged to call you my best friend for life.
I love u more than pecan pie.
Love always,
*****
Nothing really needs to be added. This is the announcement she made when the world heard that her husband of 17+ years was homosexual. She is a hero in the truest sense of the word.

Second are my children. For their privacy I won't go into this too deeply, only to say that they are doing amazing. They stand by me. They protect me. They love me for who I am. They do not waiver on this. Many of their friends teenage friends know and respect me just the same. It is a different age. My son has voiced to me that his friends think its cool that he has a gay dad. Their haven't been incidents in which we have run up against true negativity in this regard. I love them tons and couldn't be more proud and/or ask for more.

My dad, siblings and most extended family have given me nothing but unwavering love. My ex-in laws have shown a remarkable amount of support.

I want to be thankful to the various individuals outside of my immediate circles who have taken the time to text, email, call or even say hello in person. Some people more than once. You don't realize how one kind word can affect someone. Just saying to someone 'I've been thinking about you' or 'I haven't seen you around and I miss you' is very powerful. It doesn't take alot of energy to say something, but revitalizes the one it's being said to.

I was at a funeral the other day. I felt very out of place. I knew most of the people there but it was the first time I saw most since having been outed. A select few came over and said hi but more than that didn't or couldn't make eye contact with me. Now granted it was at a funeral. It wasn't quite the social scene. A cousin of my ex though made it a point to walk behind me, take my elbow, caress it for a few seconds and make eye contact with me while doing it. It was a quiet message of him conveying to me 'someone is thinking about you'. To many people that might sound petty. To me it was a powerful moment. My eyes got moist as I thought about how simple it is to bring someone up.

Going back to family for a moment - At this funeral there was irony as I was watching people skirt away from me while my ex inlaws gave me huge hugs and kisses with gratitude that I came out to see them. That must have been confusing to many.

My friends have been amazing. New friends and old friends. They have been accessible to me 24/7 when I have needed to cry, to rant, a hug, a drink etc... You guys know who you are and you are my lifelines.

Happy Thanksgiving

Blog is back up...

Hi. I am back quicker than I thought I would be. :-)

I am putting the blog back up with one caveat. I have gotten a lot of emails through my blog (even texts and phone calls from people who know me as the author of this blog). I have felt the need to answer them for a while. Please forgive me now if I don't respond in the near future. My first priority is my family and my own health and it is hard for me to engage in conversation right now without sometimes getting hurt. That effects the people around me.

I hope to in the future.

Thank you for understanding.

Taking it down for a while...

I am suspending my blog for a while. I started this blog anonymously 15 months ago for 2 reasons; to help myself have an outlet through the lowest depression I was going through because my therapist recommended to me that writing will be therapeutic. I also wrote it to help others that are struggling understand that they are not alone.

I unfortunately need to be selfish for a bit. Even while getting a lot of support over the last month since this blew up, I have also gotten beaten down incessantly and continue to get hurt every day by various individuals. My sensitive nature is such that I get hurt deeply by the negativity. I need to be strong for my kids, my wife and myself. I have learned that there are horrible, unhappy, uneducated and vindictive people out there that can't relate to the pain they are putting me and my family through. I feel for you and I know there will be din v'sheshbon. You judge me about this and I haven't done anything the Torah says is assur. Loshon hora and motzei shem ra have potentially 31 positive and negative violations each time. Rosh Hashana is next week. Hatzlocha with that.

I have also learned of some amazing, beautiful and supportive people who are there for my family and me, no matter the circumstance. I am thankful and wish you a year of health, love, peace and happiness for you and the people close to you.

I know there will be a day soon where I can be there for you again. When I feel I have taken care of myself, I will be back. Until then, if you are hurting, I am so sorry and pained that right now I need to take time for me and I can't be there for you. I beg you though to see a specialist and not to keep it inside.

Best of luck.

Alarming statistics

Suicide rates among religious homosexuals....

Really?

I have had Rabbonim tell me that people have asked them if their children can still hang out with my kids. I have heard that people are asking whether they can still do business with me because of the loshon hora they have heard about me. (As an aside it's motzei shem ra, not loshon hora).

Really?

Your kids shouldn't hang out with mine? Are you kidding me? Do you think the gay will rub off on them? Do you think that you are "exposing" them to something they shouldn't be exposed to? Please don't kid yourself. They are well aware about this topic. Someone said to me last week that his 14yr old who is good friends with my son has no idea about this topic and whats going on with me. I laughed inside. I didn't tell him but his  son (prior to this conversation) told my son that he heard I had an affair with a man in the community that I am very close to. Dad; you are clueless. Get to know your kid.

If your kids truly don't know, start the conversation with them. They will face this issue with people at  some point soon. It would be nice for them to know how to be sensitive to anothers adversity. Don't perpetuate to your children what some of you have shown yourselves to be, uneducated and intolerant.

Should you do business with me? Um... Out of the thousands of people that I have helped, is there one, yes one that can say I dealt with them dishonestly? How much money have I lost by taking hits helping people in chinuch and others that struggle with cash flow. I give 15-20% of my money to tzedaka. I give to your childrens schools... To your shuls... To your chesed organizations... (A lot of you that are getting money from   anonymous sources, it's me and you wouldn't even know it) and the list goes on and on... (As an aside, to those who run some of these organizations that haven't reached out to me to offer a word of support, your silence speaks louder than words. If you have to think for a second, yes, I am talking to you...). Also, on what halachaic basis would you choose to not give me business? I'll remind you I have done nothing wrong. You might criticize me for being haughty about my charitable tendencies. Don't judge! I wouldn't normally. Deal with it. I have been beat down enough. This is my parnassa at question.

I am lucky that I have a lot of great individuals and some amazing spiritual leaders that support me right now. I don't know how those struggling, that don't have the support, can stay frum. 

For those hurting, I can say to you with all my heart, you have me and I am here for you. Don't give up and don't let go.

If I were a rich man

My favorite lyrics of all time...

If I were a rich man....

"The most important men in town will come to fawn on me--
They will ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wise--
"If you please, Reb Tevye?"--
"Pardon me, Reb Tevye?"--
Posing problems that would cross a rabbi's eyes--
Ya va voy, ya va voy voy vum...
And it won't make one bit of difference
If I answer right or wrong--
When you're rich, they think you really know."

Very applicable to things I am going through right now...

Update

I wanted to share a few updates about this blog. I am suspending the ability to comment. I believe all questions that can be asked have been addressed through the 40+ posts on this blog and my responses to comments.

If anyone needs support or would like to offer support or ask questions with sensitivity, please email me at festerfest123@gmail.com

I have also taken down some personal posts that I will be editing and reposting over the next few days.

Thank you again for the kind words, dialogue and mostly, your continued support.

Wow... Rumor has it....

The nonsense and rumors people are saying about me is unreal. I am done defending myself. It's one thing for me to say that I won't judge the negative reactions because people hearing this have no frame of reference (they don't realize I have been dealing with this for 27 years), but to create and spread false rumors, hard for me to be understanding.

My non Jewish assistant sends me "They should add a law against gossip in Shul.  It would be pretty quiet."

In case you thought I was over exaggerating about who's looking at this blog and spreading it through email; after Friday when 2000 people looked at it; on shabbos 91 people looked at it (a number of them from Israel); so far since motzei shabbos 1300 people have looked. Rabbi's, People from Cleveland, Canada, New York etc have shared with me that the blog address was emailed to them. 

I am amazed at what some of you folks find happiness in. 

Shame. Shame. Shame. 

PS thanks again I those who have taken the time to reach out to me and write beautiful comments, emails and texts. 

Don't feel bad commenting.... Go right ahead...

It is now obvious to me that the link to my blog is being emailed all through my community and others. I have gotten private emails from the most obscure people from my past voicing love and support. I thank you for that.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the type of person if I were on the other side of this to start emailing out a link that is presented as anonymous while announcing who wrote it. At the same time I can't project that others should maintain my standard.

I would ask though that the kind people who know me and read this blog to feel free not just to email me but to take a minute to comment something positive on the blog and issue support. It would be nice for the naysayers to have a perspective of who I am and the differences I've made in people's lives.

Of course if you would like to be negative go ahead and comment as well. All perspectives need to be shown.

The 2 most common objections I get is "how can I support or be an advocate of a sinner?" The answer to that is simply I haven't sinned.  The Torah says nothing about orientation or inclination, just not to follow through on it.

Second, I get, "why do you feel the need to have a blog and publicize it?". I want to remind you that I started this blog by advice of my therapist who is well respected in our community. I have had it for 14 months with few people knowing (ironically my wife always knew about it).  It was therapeutic and helped people. It was only this past Monday when other people outed me and someone found this and started spreading it around, that thousands of people are reading it. You are choosing to forward the link as well as you are choosing to read it which at this point I have no issue with at all.

Please do not use my name in posts.

Thank you.