Purim; acceptance and hope...

I wanted to take a moment to thank so many people that made my Purim so special. I was very nervous going into the Holiday because it was the first time in about 8 months, since my story went public, that I planned on spending a nice amount of time in my former community. This is a community in which at the time I was outed, while getting a nice amount of support, I got more than my fair share of negativity, sprinkled with some very hurtful false rumors. I felt vulnerable and anxious going in.

A little bit of a back story. The week leading up to Purim was a great week. It had consistency. I was at peace with myself. I accomplished a lot at work. I hung out with a wonderful person who's friendship was recently rekindled. Initially I had planned to be in another city away from home for Purim. It was an incredibly exciting idea. A much hyped Purim party with many of my friends that I hadn't seen in a bit. For some reason that I couldn't quite put my finger on, I woke up on Thursday before my flight, anxious about going. Work was a bit crazy, my week leading up to it was so good, should I be changing my environment by traveling to another city?

I called a friend and presented my dilemma to him. He suggested that staying within my old community was dangerous because there were going to be people drinking heavy. He didn't want me to face people saying mean and insulting things to me. He didn't want me going backwards and creating more resentment in my life. I saw the rationale in his words. He is usually spot on. This time (thankfully) he couldn't have been further off base.

I initially followed his advice. I left town for the big city. I had a nice Thursday night with a friend. Friday morning I again woke up with anxiety. Work was crazy and to be honest, I was homesick. I made a quick and impulsive decision to go home. After many flight delays I got home literally minutes before Shabbos.

Purim came and I went to my old shul for megilla. Everyone I met was incredibly friendly and welcoming. The same thing happened when I went to a friend that evening. I used to go collecting for a local charity on the night of Purim with a bunch of close friends. 8 months ago I would never have thought that I would be doing that again. I was so humbled when I was invited to come along. I joined friends and even my ex-wifes family for this yearly event. I visited many homes of people who know my challenges, many intimately. They still welcomed me with hugs and kisses.

On Purim day I went to an old friend for a big breakfast bash he throws. I was invited to sit up front next to him. I again enjoyed meeting many old friends who showered me with love. I know this is boring and I sound like a broken record but the evening seudah brought me the same experience. At this party I met a number of Rabbi's who I hadn't seen in a while and they treated me with much love and support.

So again, I thank them all and I truly am humbled by their acceptance. This sent a strong message to me. It told me on a personal level that it is possible for me to reintegrate within the community as my comfort level allows. (With as much humility as I can say this) it told me that when one handles himself with class, dignity and grace and allows people time to digest and learn about something that is strange and confusing to them, it pays off in the long run. People who act impulsively and try to go on the offensive tends to push away rather than pull closer (I say that with no judgment).

On a big picture level I wonder if this is a sign for things to come. Could this have happened just a few years back? Is tolerance and sensitivity growing within our community? Can it be that seeing real, genuine and live people struggling with homosexuality gives them cause to rethink their position? I think the answer to all these questions is yes. This should truly be a cause of hope for the many suffering in silence and loneliness. It truly feels like a miracle.

The prayer 'Al Hanissim' certainly had more meaning for me this year. Hopefully more and more for years to come.

Sigh of relief

I feel really good tonight.

Even through some rough challenges, I am at peace with myself.

Something that has been sitting heavy on me for a long time has been reconciled with the kindness of another.

May this feeling stay with me for a while.

Thank you to a friend for being so strong. You inspire me. That's it.

Guest post - For married/divorced men...

This is an important guest post from a person who chooses to remain anonymous for the safety and security of his wife and children. I can vouch for this individuals sincerity and respect and discretion of others.


Let me tell you a bit about me...


I'm a married guy with a family. I went to yeshiva. I daven and learn daily and I am involved in my community. This might sound typical with one caveat; I am gay. This is the secret I lived with through all of my yeshiva years and continue to live with many years later, every day. You see, very few people know whats really going on in my head. Unfortunately and painfully, this is something I can't share with my wife either. The loneliness is unbearable at times. I'm sure there are others out there like myself but its way too dangerous to go looking. It got me thinking; What if we were able to create a safe community in which we can finally feel unashamed of who we are? A community with no agenda other than people like us having a safe place to be themselves. A place where we can share and support each other. I envision this having both an Internet based and therapist led discussion groups. Being that we are married, discretion is a must and all participants will be vetted. No one will ever have to reveal any information tied to identity. At this point I am in developmental stages of this idea. If you are married/divorced and have interest, please email me with ideas or questions at marriedfrumgay@gmail.com. Please include your age and city (if you are comfortable). I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Some humor

I figure it's okay to laugh at ourselves every so often.

Disclaimer - if you are a prude and easily offended, please don't watch. 

Two songs from the Broadway musical 'Book of Mormon'. As you will see, these songs are not specifically about Mormon. They are universal to all religions. Mormon is just an easy target.

This one is about how we are taught to shut ourselves down and suppress our feelings. Sometimes I wish I was someone that can do this. I have too many friends that can...

Turn it off

This next one is quite a deep song and somewhat moving. Just switch the Mormon specific lyrics for any other religion and things we might simply believe because we are told to. (The guy is just missing his yarmulka and tzitzis)

I believe

I hope you enjoyed.

Eshel Part 2; Unity

Like angels in the sky
in a garden full of glory
the galaxies so brilliantly related
ultimately high
on that first page of our story

The shabbaton started with davening on Friday night. I had been to support groups in the past, both for JQY or Jewish Queer Youth (An organization based in NYC who's primary objective is to give support to young men and woman struggling with issues related to being LGBT, please see www.jqyouth.org) and a non-religious (and non-agenda driven) support group for gay married men (If you would like information about this group, please email me). When I went to these groups which had about 10-20 people, I was scared and overwhelmed.

Fast forward to Eshel. Walking in on 120 or more people made me feel like a deer in headlights. At first I stood in the back of the shul and observed. I couldn’t bring myself to sit down. As davening continued with the singing of kabbalas Shabbos, I suddenly found myself feeling the warmth of the room rush through my body. There were opening remarks that further made me feel like I was finding a new family.

By the time Maariv came along I gathered the courage and decided to find my way to the middle of the shul. As I walked toward one of the few open seats I was greeted with wide and welcoming smiles. People vigorously shook my hand and said good Shabbos. I was part of something rich. A feeling of camaraderie took hold of me that I had never felt before.

So listen brother, listen friend
Just a little smile, a helping hand
And we all will find a loving kind humanity
We must teach our children to
Treat your fellow friends like they were you
And then we all find some peace of mind and unity

I found myself thinking, 'How can most of the world and specifically many in the Orthodox Jewish community shun us? This was more beautiful a davening than I had experienced in many years. Growing up ultra-orthodox I had davened in the frumest of yeshivos and shuls in the world. The achdus I felt here far surpassed other davening experiences.

How can the Rabbi's be judgmental of people? People who kept a secret and burden to themselves in pain and agony for most of their lives? People who come together in a show of love with struggles a heterosexual person can never even imagine or relate to? Where is their heart? They pity the agunah who can't get married (but potentially has the ability to). They pity the world's other sorrows. It is more comfortable to look away and be silent when it is something that can not be related to.


Ages rushing by
Writing chapters full of sorrow
Webs of self destruction, we are weaving
Because if we don’t even try
There’s no hope for our tomorrow
So what’s it all worth if we are not achieving?

There were workshops that educated and inspired. My favorite was the rebuttal of a recent Rosh Yeshiva's essay on homosexuality that was both factually wrong and hashkafically incorrect. I humbly suggest 'al tadin es chavercha ad shetagiya l'mkomo'. This translates to 'Do not judge a friend until you reach his place' commonly known as until you walk in his shoes.

There was a beautiful and intimate program led by Rabbi's, professionals and community leaders. This allowed small groups of people to talk about feelings that arose over the weekend on a very personal level. I was inspired and heart broken by things that came up in that group.

Lastly I wanted to talk about the closing sessions. Perhaps this was the most moving of the entire experience for me. As the attendees entered the auditorium, everyone was asked to create a circle. Everyone interlocked with the people on both sides of them. Either they put their arm around the next persons shoulder or they held their neighbors hand. This became a circle of love. A circle of intimate connection. A circle of a people, many struggling to fit in on some level having an electric burst of energy pass from soul to soul.

We sang songs as one. I imagined Hashem smiling down at us and accepting our songs up to the depth of his heavens.

One of the leaders then spoke and thanked various individuals who spearheaded the Shabbos event.

He then said something that moved me to tears and I cry as I write this. I paraphrase, but this was the idea. He first talked about the strength of the people who came to the event. He talked about how brave they are because many did it at risk to themselves on various levels. Here is where I choked up. He asked everyone to take a moment to think about the people that could not be there. People who are scared. People who suffer quietly and have no one to turn to. I added in my mind, people who fear their communities, families and friends reaction to their potential disclosure. People who end up conforming to societies norms. They live out their years in various stages of pain and denial, yearning for an intimacy they will never have. I hear from too many people who reach out to me through this blog. People who are married. People who are single and looking for love and guidance. Lastly, people who are single and dating (women). The married people talk about how their families feel their depression. They don't understand. Husbands or wives not understanding the lack of intimacy that is being shown them. They feel caged and frightened. Single men and woman that are confused and have many questions. These people are your brothers, sisters, parents, children and close friends. I do not judge. I can only speak from my experience and what people have shared.

One year ago that was me. I had lived 35+ years, married, frum and with a pain that pierced the depth of my heart. I was terrified to go to the Eshel shabbaton. This year I went. I went with the world knowing my secret. I went with a million pound burden lifted off my shoulder. I left exhilarated, knowing that I am loved for who I am, not for who the world wanted me to be.

When the leader asked people to step into the circle to share, I was scared. I knew what I wanted to share but I couldn't gather the strength. Finally as they were about done, I stepped in and shared the feelings I shared above. Before I could even finish, there was a beautiful and rousing sound of applause that gave me a final burst of emotion.

Children; teenagers, adults of any age, please know that there are many people who were in your shoes. Know that you are not alone. Reach out to people that can help you and love you. You can not learn to love others until you love yourself. Learn to love yourself. Release the burden.

I left the event hugging and kissing the new friends I made, feeling inspired, a sense of responsibility and for the first time in a while a surge of hope.

One thing makes me smile
now at last a happy ending
a universal union undivided
just a little while
we will join the angels singing
peace and love across the world united.

PS Lyrics are from Unity by Mordechai Ben David

An Open Letter to Yeshiva World News

This letter is so important. It was written by a friend Yitz Jordan otherwise known by his stage name Y-Love. Yitz became a Ger (Jewish convert) a number of years ago. He has been accused of becoming a ger to hide his homosexuality.

Here is his beautiful yet heart wrenching response to the accusation. While I did not go through Geirus (conversion) as I am a Jew from birth, I can relate in so many ways to his story and struggle with reconciling God, Torah and homosexuality.

Response from Yitz

Yitz; I love, support you and share your burden.

The power of words...

I had to share this.

I was just messaging with a friend.

Knowing that I have my ups and downs, he offered his phone number to me so that I can call him if I need to talk.

Me - Thanks. I think I will take you up on that. How much do you charge?

Him - You get a pro rate of nothing - All I ask for is friendship.

I was moved immediately when those words came up on my screen.

So elegant, yet so simple. A show of love but at the same time vulnerability. There is no better combination of emotions that speaks to me so intimately.

I can't think of a better response. Without any doubts, I offer him my friendship.

I thank him for making me smile.

Time out to give thanks

As I have mentioned in blog posts before, I have always had a struggle with my relationship with God.

That said; even in my struggles, every so often something in my life happens that I can't help but look away from my challenges and say thank you.

Now is one of those times.

Thank you God for the kindness you bestowed upon me this evening.

Feeling whole... Eshel part 1

I knew what it felt like to be alone. 

I now know what it feels like to be together.

A little more than a year ago when I was still 'in the closet', I had only 2 people that knew I was gay, my therapist and my best friend. What I would commonly do is search the web for all things Jewish and gay. I came across a website called Eshelonline.org. They were promoting a Shabbaton sponsored by a group called Eshel. They were presenting it as 'The Eshel Shabbaton; A Weekend of Community, Learning and Ruach for Frum LGBT Jews'. When I found out, I wrote about my feelings here. In summary, the worst feeling that I had was having a burden and not having anyone to share it with. Knowing that there was a whole Shabbos in which people challenged with the same secret as mine got together as a community, broke my heart. I couldn't go and it hurt.

For those who don't know; LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender people.

My gut tells me that there is a big group of people that just read that and became uncomfortable.

I have been there. Until this past year I had not met someone that I knew to be a Jewish, orthodox, lesbian, bisexual or transgender individual. I knew myself to be gay or maybe bisexual at the time. Other than that, I knew no one else.

Please read that again. "I knew myself to be gay or maybe bisexual at the time. Other than that I knew no one else." Please stop for a moment and see if you can find the power in that statement. Read it again if you must. I challenge you to contemplate your level of sensitivity if you don't feel for where I was at that time. The only person that I knew with this struggle was myself. Do you have any idea how lonely and painful that is? Do you realize that this could be your brother or sister suffering intensely? Your father or mother in unbearable pain? Your son or daughter who is doing horribly in school because this is all they focus on? Your spouse who you can't understand why they have such a hard time  experiencing intimacy with you? Your best friend?

If the stats are right that one in every 10 people are gay, every minyan that you go to, statistically one person is gay. In Mir Yeshiva, the biggest yeshiva in the world their are 7,000 students. Statistically 700 of them might be gay. If you want to say one in 20 people are gay than 350 of them are. If you have 9 siblings.... you get my point. The list goes on and on.

How many feel alone? Every single one.

Can I say that every one of them is suffering on the same level? No. I can share with you that I continue to receive emails both through my blog and from people that heard my story of which 99% of whom are thoroughly depressed. There are teenagers that want to hurt themselves. There are adults, mostly married,  that want to kill themselves. The words they use over and over are hurt, pain, depression and worst of all 'alone'.

A year later I found myself in Falls Village, CT at the 3rd annual Eshel Shabaton.

The first thing I noticed was the diversity of the crowd. It was like a Friday night davening at the kotel. There were Rabbi's, Chasidim, heimish and modern, frum and ex-frum men and woman. I would say that most of the ex-frum were those in their 20's and 30's. There were woman who wore sheitels and others with spiked and colored hair. There were boys as young as 17 to adults as old as in their 60's or even older. There were married individuals whose spouses did not know they were there. There were others whose families have no idea of their sexual orientation. There were doctors and lawyers, businessmen and students. People that came from Israel, Canada and places all over the USA.

There are those that plan on being celibate their whole lives. There were others who are completely frum and brought their partners and children.

It was an amazingly diverse crowd.

With all this diversity though, we were together. We were whole. We were one. We laughed together. We cried together. We sang and danced together. Mostly though, as we authentically shared our experiences and struggles together, we gently allowed ourselves to carry each others burdens. We were exhilarated, as through the togetherness, the burdens started to get lighter and looser.

To be continued....

Relief

I don't have a lot of time to write now but I wanted to share that I am doing really well.

My last 3 or 4 entries came from some deep, difficult and painful places. I am doing a lot better now.

I returned to a place I am staying for the first time since experiencing some deep pain and hurt. I still have ambiguity from the experience. I expected upon return to be in a difficult place. I have reached down deep and found strength. It has been a lot easier than I thought.

I went to the Eshel shabbaton this weekend. This is where Jewish people of all denominations and from all parts of the world who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender come to learn together, daven together and share of themselves. It was a wonderful experience. I will write about it more over the coming days. It was amazing meeting everyone and making new friends that share my struggle on various levels. It has reinvigorated me. 

I am amazed by the brave people who had the strength to attend. I am deeply saddened for all the people who carry this burden on their own and couldn't attend. They certainly outnumber the attendees by far. That is a commentary on society which I again will address in later posts.

(I will be respecting the rule of confidentiality that we agree to when going to this event.)

A few thousand people have read my blog over the last few weeks. Thank you to those who recently chose to reach out and give me the love and support that you had while I struggled deeply. Your kindness and sensitivity stands out in a world where most are silent.

Thank you again.