I went to my therapist and cried nonstop for an hour. I could have gone on all afternoon. Throughout the day I found myself getting randomly choked up. Just meeting people who offer me kind yom tov wishes got me emotional. Talking to my parents and siblings had me holding back the tears. I am tearing up as I write this.
I am so sad and lonely.
I don't know why it is hitting me so hard suddenly.
I don't know if its because I am seeing frum gay people, groups and movements more prevalent in the news and in social media. It makes me yearn to be a part of it. I feel so trapped that I have no one to share this with. I am not even talking about having a relationship with someone. I am talking about being able to share my highs and lows, my fears and my insecurities and my successes and failures with another person.
There are 2 people in my life who know me, that I have told that I am gay. My therapist and a close friend of mine who we can call David.
My therapist has been there for me for years and is amazing. Ultimately he is still a therapist though, who for the most part, I communicate with for an hour or two once a month. I can't call him to shoot the breeze or randomly pick the phone up and call him when I am going through a challenge just to chat.
David and I have been close and have known each other since high school. He is a kind and loyal friend who I would trust with my life. I came out to him probably 12 or 13 years ago and he accepted me for who I am. (He is straight as can be). While David has always been extremely supportive, he is the furthest thing from the mushy type and doesn't give much of himself emotionally. He has been extremely challenged and (I believe) hardened by his upbringing to where getting past his outermost layer, to a point of vulnerability is a challenge. It is therefore hard for me to feel like I am having an intimate (albeit platonic) relationship with him that is a 2 way street. He isn't the type to share his innermost feelings, doubts and insecurities. We dont have the kind of friendship where I would be comfortable getting a hug from him while I cry on his shoulder. I in no way blame or have any animosity towards him for that. I love him for who he is and the struggles he's been through.
Outside of that there's no one. I get to low places and wish I had someone to turn to. I wish I had someone who knows me that I can cry to. I wish I had someone who I wouldn't be scared to tell what I am thinking and feeling.
I feel so trapped and alone in this world.
Hashem will apparently be deciding tomorrow how the coming year will be. I ask Him to please just help me out of my pain and loneliness.
I end this blog entry as I started it, with tears in my eyes.
Happy and healthy new year to all.