Really?

I have had Rabbonim tell me that people have asked them if their children can still hang out with my kids. I have heard that people are asking whether they can still do business with me because of the loshon hora they have heard about me. (As an aside it's motzei shem ra, not loshon hora).

Really?

Your kids shouldn't hang out with mine? Are you kidding me? Do you think the gay will rub off on them? Do you think that you are "exposing" them to something they shouldn't be exposed to? Please don't kid yourself. They are well aware about this topic. Someone said to me last week that his 14yr old who is good friends with my son has no idea about this topic and whats going on with me. I laughed inside. I didn't tell him but his  son (prior to this conversation) told my son that he heard I had an affair with a man in the community that I am very close to. Dad; you are clueless. Get to know your kid.

If your kids truly don't know, start the conversation with them. They will face this issue with people at  some point soon. It would be nice for them to know how to be sensitive to anothers adversity. Don't perpetuate to your children what some of you have shown yourselves to be, uneducated and intolerant.

Should you do business with me? Um... Out of the thousands of people that I have helped, is there one, yes one that can say I dealt with them dishonestly? How much money have I lost by taking hits helping people in chinuch and others that struggle with cash flow. I give 15-20% of my money to tzedaka. I give to your childrens schools... To your shuls... To your chesed organizations... (A lot of you that are getting money from   anonymous sources, it's me and you wouldn't even know it) and the list goes on and on... (As an aside, to those who run some of these organizations that haven't reached out to me to offer a word of support, your silence speaks louder than words. If you have to think for a second, yes, I am talking to you...). Also, on what halachaic basis would you choose to not give me business? I'll remind you I have done nothing wrong. You might criticize me for being haughty about my charitable tendencies. Don't judge! I wouldn't normally. Deal with it. I have been beat down enough. This is my parnassa at question.

I am lucky that I have a lot of great individuals and some amazing spiritual leaders that support me right now. I don't know how those struggling, that don't have the support, can stay frum. 

For those hurting, I can say to you with all my heart, you have me and I am here for you. Don't give up and don't let go.

If I were a rich man

My favorite lyrics of all time...

If I were a rich man....

"The most important men in town will come to fawn on me--
They will ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wise--
"If you please, Reb Tevye?"--
"Pardon me, Reb Tevye?"--
Posing problems that would cross a rabbi's eyes--
Ya va voy, ya va voy voy vum...
And it won't make one bit of difference
If I answer right or wrong--
When you're rich, they think you really know."

Very applicable to things I am going through right now...

Update

I wanted to share a few updates about this blog. I am suspending the ability to comment. I believe all questions that can be asked have been addressed through the 40+ posts on this blog and my responses to comments.

If anyone needs support or would like to offer support or ask questions with sensitivity, please email me at festerfest123@gmail.com

I have also taken down some personal posts that I will be editing and reposting over the next few days.

Thank you again for the kind words, dialogue and mostly, your continued support.

Wow... Rumor has it....

The nonsense and rumors people are saying about me is unreal. I am done defending myself. It's one thing for me to say that I won't judge the negative reactions because people hearing this have no frame of reference (they don't realize I have been dealing with this for 27 years), but to create and spread false rumors, hard for me to be understanding.

My non Jewish assistant sends me "They should add a law against gossip in Shul.  It would be pretty quiet."

In case you thought I was over exaggerating about who's looking at this blog and spreading it through email; after Friday when 2000 people looked at it; on shabbos 91 people looked at it (a number of them from Israel); so far since motzei shabbos 1300 people have looked. Rabbi's, People from Cleveland, Canada, New York etc have shared with me that the blog address was emailed to them. 

I am amazed at what some of you folks find happiness in. 

Shame. Shame. Shame. 

PS thanks again I those who have taken the time to reach out to me and write beautiful comments, emails and texts. 

Don't feel bad commenting.... Go right ahead...

It is now obvious to me that the link to my blog is being emailed all through my community and others. I have gotten private emails from the most obscure people from my past voicing love and support. I thank you for that.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the type of person if I were on the other side of this to start emailing out a link that is presented as anonymous while announcing who wrote it. At the same time I can't project that others should maintain my standard.

I would ask though that the kind people who know me and read this blog to feel free not just to email me but to take a minute to comment something positive on the blog and issue support. It would be nice for the naysayers to have a perspective of who I am and the differences I've made in people's lives.

Of course if you would like to be negative go ahead and comment as well. All perspectives need to be shown.

The 2 most common objections I get is "how can I support or be an advocate of a sinner?" The answer to that is simply I haven't sinned.  The Torah says nothing about orientation or inclination, just not to follow through on it.

Second, I get, "why do you feel the need to have a blog and publicize it?". I want to remind you that I started this blog by advice of my therapist who is well respected in our community. I have had it for 14 months with few people knowing (ironically my wife always knew about it).  It was therapeutic and helped people. It was only this past Monday when other people outed me and someone found this and started spreading it around, that thousands of people are reading it. You are choosing to forward the link as well as you are choosing to read it which at this point I have no issue with at all.

Please do not use my name in posts.

Thank you.

Update on being "out" relating to this blog...

I am having a hard time understanding something. I usually get 30-50 hits a day on this blog (There are stat trackers). My community started to talk about my sexuality on Monday. That day my blog got 400 hits. Tuesday had me receive 800 hits. Wednesday 1400 hits and so far at only noon on Thursday there are over 1300 hits.

I don't know if this blog will go viral but I will tell you that if I save one person from hurting themselves, depression or pain, I will have accomplished everything. One life, physically, emotionally or spiritually will be worth every negative email and comment I get and I have gotten many. Kol hamatzil nefesh echad ke'illu hetzil olam malle. I have also gotten amazing expressions of support from people so close to me and people from my past. 

I will be publishing (without their names) many emails, texts, conversation and comments on both side of the spectrum as time goes on.

Blogspot gives a general source of where people come from like Facebook and Google. It also says the key words people are searching. The primary source of people coming to my blog right now is Google. This means that people who never had perspective on this in the past are searching the words "frum gay" or frum, married and gay" etc to find information. This tells me that people are searching for perspective and information. I will continue to do what I have always done which is smile through my pain, lift people who are down up and support people who need it.

(Anyone looking for support in this area or in general is always welcome to email me at festerfest123@gmail.com, anonymously or not.)

When these blog hits came in hard I asked my wife if she wanted me to take this down because of the personal nature of the information. She said to me and I paraphrase "The blog was what helped get you to where you are today. It would be a shame for you to take it down". What a hero. She continued by saying how people can gain so much by this and I should leave it up. Anyone who knows me knows that it is not my nature to flaunt. I can tell you though for the sake of understanding that many struggling gay men, both married, divorced and single have reached out to tell me that I inspire them. Some people have told me I have said that I give them inspiration to live. I share the credit for this with my beautiful wife.

As the song goes;

I'm bulletproof, nothing to losefire away, fire awayricochet, you take your aimfire away, fire awayyou shoot me down, but I won't fallI am titaniumyou shoot me down, but I won't fallI am titanium

11,000 views and an observation

Thanks for getting me to 11,000 hits on my blog. Over 200 today so far.

I see in the admin that there are a number of hits from Facebook reposts although I can't see who's posting. Thanks for spreading my words.

If you can share Facebook comments, positive or negative or send me the links that would be cool. I'd love the feedback. Festerfest123@gmail.com.

Thanks.

I am now out...

So folks, the day has come. I have been outed to the public (not by choice, but by community gossip) but yet I feel relieved. I will not be publishing my name on my blog. This may come sometime in the future but for now I will be keeping the blog anonymous. I am sure some will put it together although I talk about family members and  negativity in my upbringing. People search my name thousands of times a year due to the work I do and I don't want it to connect to the blog.

Update:

Once my wife and I decided to divorce, she became. my biggest advocate and has verbalized that she is my best friend and that she is happy for me and feels I am doing the right thing. We talk all the time and have Shabbat meals and dinners with the kids every week.

My wife and I told our children together about the divorce and homosexuality (which was extremely powerful) and I got some interesting questions like "So why did you get married in the first place". To comments that "you are my dad no matter what and I am happy for you that you are finding yourself and won't have to hide any more". That was my oldest who is a teenage boy.

I am so proud of them and very proud of myself for how I have allowed this journey to play out. Class, dignity, compassion and sensitivity. And it has paid off.  I will always be their for them. I am gay but I am their dad and my wife's best friend.

Over the months I had many people tell me how I am going to screw up my family, my kids will hate me etc... I believe you are correct in so far as the person going through it wasn't a caring and loving father, husband and friend. I believe I spent my entire life building up to this moment. I spent my years being a great husband to my wife, a loving and supportive dad to my kids and a friend who is there for people no matter the circumstances. This is why people taken it well. It's because they love me and know my core. I have heard numerous times from people who have no reference to homosexuality that I come out to that nothing has changed. They tell me "you are still the same person we have grown to love".

Any way, like I said, I am not hiding anymore. I am proud. I am not advertising my homosexuality but I am not denying it either.

I am close to the happiest I have ever been in my life.

Thanks to those who have been supportive. To those who have been critical, you have been mistaken in so far as you generalized and had no frame of reference to who I was or am. That's a shame.

Thanks all.