A mothers suicide

Please note that I am copying this from a friend's Facebook page. I have not read through every link nor am I endorsing any viewpoint. It is important to read and come to your own conclusions.

Original Facebook Post


This week a young mother in the US committed suicide. Deb Tambor was her name. Apparently she took her own life due to the ongoing pressure from her former ultra-Orthodox community who did everything they could to deny her access to her children. Her alleged crime? Going OTD (Off the Derech) – becoming secular. Her own family turned against her. It has been claimed that even her own father testified against her.

It is important that people know the common struggles of leaving the ultra-Orthodox community. Since Deb’s recent death it is becoming clear that there are many others in her predicament. Which is why I can’t remain silent. We weren’t able to save Deb. Hopefully we can save others. There are never any grounds to justify this type of behaviour, especially when the name of religion is invoked.

The following are some articles about this sad story, which some have described as murder:

http://myderech.wordpress.com/2013/09/28/a-mothers-murder/

http://hayleyamanda.com/2013/09/29/for-deb-for-life/

http://hiphopactivist.com/social-justice/stolen-too-soon-in-memory-of-deb-tambor-ah/

http://imacher.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/for-deb-very-special-eulogy.html?m=1

http://thehiddenwithin.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/the-silent-holocaust.html

http://abandoningeden.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/the-death-of-otder.html

RIP Deb.

Please seek help – from family/friends/professionals – before it is too late.

It's time for you to talk... I'd love to hear from you...

I am wondering what you are feeling going into Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur (High Holidays) in regards to three specific thoughts. 

(I am reminding you that this is an anonymous blog. Feel free to be honest with your feelings)

1) What are your feelings toward God? Are you thankful? Do you feel love? Do you feel hurt? Are you angry? Do you question? What would you say to Him if you had a one on one?

2. Heterosexual men and women; how has your view of the Jewish homosexual evolved over the last year? Positive or negative? In what ways?

3. Those who identify as Jewish LGBTQ (all spectrums; married or single, in the closet or out, dating for relationships of a heterosexual or homosexual kind; teenagers struggling etc...) how do you feel about your last year? Have you progressed in your goals? Have you digressed? What do the High Holidays mean to you?

Thank you for your input. 

Re-post from 9/5/11 - I'm in an Elul State of Mind

I am re-posting this entry in honor of a special friend of mine. A rabbi who has stuck with me through thick and thin. He has been there for me unconditionally through my ups and downs. He has loved me knowing my struggles with frumkeit while others who don't know (and can only assume) have distanced themselves in dramatic fashion. For full transparency, I am not currently in a place where I feel and reflect on many of the sentiments I wrote about at that time. Be that as it may, this is a blog post that is very meaningful to him. 
While I don't always have the emotional wherewithal to express this; I love you dearly. A true friend you are and our talks are like the most beautiful song.

(It can also be found here.)

'Elul is here. This is one simple word. It is short and yet so powerful. Elul. I think "Elul" and my blood pressure rises. I say "Elul" and I feel my heart pounding in my chest. Boy did the yeshiva system do a job on me. First I will share what I think Elul should mean to me and then what it unfortunately does mean to me.

Elul is the precursor to the Yomim No'raim. Elul should be a time of introspection, a time of connection. As we have heard many times, Elul represents "Ani L'dodi, V'dodi Li", I am to my beloved and my beloved is mine. Elul should be a time to connect to Hashem and to others. The kitzur shulchan oruch says that there are actually 3 anagrams for Elul representing teshuva, tefilla and tzedaka. For tefilla, he mentions Ani L'dodi, V'dodi Li. He then refers to tefilla as "Rinas Dodim", a song of lovers.

Yes, davening is supposed to represent the beauty of our connection with G-d... Like lovers singing to one another. What a beautiful thought. Davening isn't supposed to be this dry,  empty and laborious exercise. It is meant to afford us a rewarding and deeply emotional experience which enriches our relationship with Hashem. To me this is what Elul should be about, developing this connection while reflecting on the positives and negatives of the year past. What took place this past year that caused distance and what allowed for connection?

While intellectually I understand this idea, I can never seem to internalize it emotionally. I went to yeshiva in which Elul was all about fear. It was this build up of dread starting with Rosh Chodesh Elul, continuing with late night and early morning selichos, rosh hashana and the crescendo of Yom Kippur. Our rabbeim took the easy road and preached fear and punishment. Death and gehinom. It was 40 days of intense feelings of guilt, worthlessness and self-condemnation. It was a time where every sin was magnified in my own eyes to a point where the burden was unbearable. I was 13 years old when this  Elul abuse started. It continued through my teenage years and even today deep into my thirties.

So how does this cycle change?

My therapist is fond of telling me to look at Hashem as a loving Zeide and not as an abusive father. What a beautiful idea. What sage advice. I want to feel this with all my heart. There are times when I get close to this goal but I just cant seem to internalize it. I feel like there is this wall between me and G-d that I can't seem to break down. Even at times in which I feel more connected and I feel His presence in my life I can't seem to tangibly feel His love. Even as I write this, my eyes are tearing up and my soul yearns for connection.

Wouldn't it be exhilarating going into this Rosh Hashana not in a state of dread, but rather with an intimate and unbreakable bond with the ultimate being? Wouldn't it be amazing walking into shul feeling like you are being hugged by a father who loves you completely and unconditionally?

Please share with me any ideas you might have. Please advise on Seforim you might recommend that can help me focus on the positive and develop this love. Please share ways that you might have faced similar challenges and learned to overcome them.

Thank you for reading.'

A hero - A year later

It has been about a year since mine and my families worlds were turned over. This was when word got out on the street of my orientation and that my wife and I would be divorcing. This was obviously traumatic for us, our children and families, but it was traumatic too for the Jewish community who is generally insulated from being penetrated by stories such as ours. 

At the time there were people coming out to support, including Rabbi's and community leaders. There were unfortunately others who decided to spread false and vicious rumors about me and were not that supportive. There was a day where I hit a wall. I had no idea where to hide or whom to turn to. The irony is that while crazy rumors were going around that I was throwing things at my wife, she was the one I called to cry to. She was the one that gave me the support to continue on. 

Remember; this was my wife who could have thrown me out of the house and locked the key. She could been angry and spiteful and taken the side of some of the naysayers. She could have chosen to simply keep quiet and let the chips fall where they may.

Instead she decided to take a heroic stance. She got up and wrote a Facebook post. While it may have stirred up more conversation, it was nothing less than a beautiful display of love and dignity. People were upset with her on why she had to share this with the public. There are many answers to that selfish question. I simply say that when we talk about tznius as modesty and humility, this is the model for its implementation. 

She is and always will be a hero.

Here is the post.

My dearest ******
I want to start out by saying I love you. Before I go any further, if for some reason, u don't make it thru this letter, I wanna make sure u know I love u.
I can't begin to understand what life is like for u. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be you right now. Especially after all you've done for so many people only to have many of them turn their backs on u. You know what they say, that usually that means they see a little of u in themselves. They can't deal. Because they know how amazing u are. They know that u have the biggest heart of any man alive. They know that it took more courage and strength for you to be you than they will ever have in their whole lives. They are jealous. "They" are insignificant. "They" didn't get to spend 18 years with u. "They" didn't get to have the most amazing kids on the planet with u. "They" didn't get to grow and learn with u and from u the way I have. "They" are "pots calling the kettle black". What happened to "love thy neighbor". What happened to not judging? Not casting stones? Not speaking Loshon Horah? Nothing. They are still there. In neon lights. Blazing overhead. And "they" are blind.
Please don't use "them" as ur guide. "They" are insignificant.
U are, BY FAR, the most amazing, wonderful, loving, warm, caring, smart, special, sensitive, amazing (it bears repeating) person I know.
I am honored and privileged to call you my best friend for life.
I love u more than pecan pie.
Love always, *****

A poem for a friend

Delicate as a shadow

As darkness hangs over you

You yearn for light

To outline your frame

At times you seem happy

Staying busy is your drug

You sometimes touch your sadness,

Then conceal it in your soul

A conversation ensues

Your beautiful heart starts to reveal

You describe your struggles pragmatically

Bending but never a break

You withhold tears of substance

You suppress years of hurt

Injustice has hardened you

A cage of mirrors surround you.

You only need one friend

To take an X-ray of your soul

A heart that sees right through you

And shares the burden that you hold

The friend doesn't say I'm sorry

You are tired of compassion

He wants the gates of tears to open

From the angelic face you own

“Cry my dear cry”

He begs for you to submit

"Take advantage of my shoulder

Leave your iron will for others"

Rely on he who loves you

It is for him that you are not alone

He yearns for your tear upon his finger

It would be worth more to him than gold. 

‘Today’ is a crucial word

for we never know tomorrow

Life is but a shadow

Fleeting……

Pain and objectivity

Tradition tells us that these past 3 weeks have been a time of mourning. The temples in Jerusalem were both destroyed. Many horrific events in Jewish history happened now. Be careful; it may happen to you. Don't travel. Don't swim. Don't eat meat. Don't buy anything new. Don't wear clean clothing. Feel the pain of others.

I hate pain. Friends pain, my pain and even a strangers pain. Yes, I know;does anyone like pain? I hope not. Does anyone look away from others pain? Yes. Does anyone see or hear about pain, say "that's horrible", feel their pain for a bit and then move on? Yes.

There are people that internalize other people's pain. They think about it. They think about what it would feel like if they went through it. They think about what the person or people suffering this pain must feel like.

They pray to God. They ask for him to heal the sick. They ask him to help someone going through financial challenges. They pray to God to 'heal' others from their sexual 'deviancy' and from moving away from orthodox observance.

If we want to feign optimism we can say that at best you have a 50-50 chance of being answered. But let's face it. Maybe a 25-75 chance of having your prayer answered. Interestingly enough most of what ends up happening seems to go by the rules of the world. Nature.

A sick person is digressing in his disease. Sometimes a father of young children. Sometimes a child himself. We pray. We pray harder. We have prayer groups. We cry. We beg.

He dies.

We are discouraged. We don't understand. We hold our heads down low. We ask our Rabbi why? Why did he die? Why didn't God listen to our prayers?

We are told that God works in ways that we can't understand. We are just a small piece of this grand picture. God feels our pain. One day after Mashiach comes we will see the whole picture and it will all make sense.


Pray more. Do introspection. Repent.


Our prayers? What happened to them? We hear; every prayer is precious to God. Maybe our prayers gave him a few extra minutes of life. Every minute on this world is worth an eternity. Maybe they suffered less. If it didn't help him, maybe it helped someone on the other side of the world. Maybe it didn't work but it will be a merit for him in the world to come. Maybe it will be a merit for the people who prayed. Maybe for the family. Maybe we didn't pray enough. At the end of days we will understand where each prayer went. Maybe all of the above.

Pray more. Do introspection. Repent.

This all seems forced. After all, what else is there to say? Is it intellectually dishonest? Maybe. Is it based on our tradition? Yes. If you have blind faith, God bless you. I don't. I wonder if maybe we should ask why? Maybe we should get angry? Maybe this should challenge our belief systems? I know that I question God. I get angry at God. I sometimes lose faith my belief system. If the Rabbi's and therapists out there would be intellectually honest, they will tell you the same thing. They question. They challenge. They get angry.

Can I say that all of the above isn't trueand that there is a laundry list of what happens to our prayers? I can't. Can I say that I am tired of hearing this rhetoric over (holocaust) and over (inquisition) and over (Pogroms) and over (Rome, Greece, Persia...) and over and over? I have heard this way too many times. I am tired. I am exhausted. Moshiach will come to take away our pain. We want Moshiach now. I am tired. I am exhausted. Honestly, it gets old. God, how much pain do we need until Moshiach comes? How many times do we have to be thrown out of a country, murdered and slaughtered. How many more children need to be die. We call them a korban. A sacrifice. Please. Has it not been enough. Stop this already.

I am tired of my pain. I am tired of my family and friends pain. I am tired of the worlds pain. I am tired of hearing what seems like the same forced responses over and over.

I am not questioning the existence of God. I am not questioning the coming of Moshiach. I just want answers. I am told that we will get them at some point. If that's the truth than shouldnt we be entitled to understand? It appears that according to the mantra, the answers to pain do not only belong to God. I'm tired and I'm growing impatient. I am very close to being done waiting.

Pray more. Do introspection. Repent.

Have a meaningful fast.

Very powerful blog post by a friend...

Click here

Moshe, homosexuality and the internet

Here is an article that talks about how social media has affected the lives of Orthodox Jewish gay men and woman...

I specifically like the piece about Moshe...


Article from Tablet online magazine....

Commenting on the blog is back...

Please note that I have opened up the ability to comment on the blog once again. 

A few things;

Some will laugh but this is an anonymous blog.

1) Any post that shows my name or city or any other proper name will not be published. 

2) There will be a moderator for each comment and he will have COMPLETE sovereignty on what goes or does not go on the site. 

You can also feel free to email me at festerfest123@gmail.com.

Same Love by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Disclaimer - Listen and read at the risk of having preconceived ideas and notions challenged.


(2nd disclaimer - I know that some people who read this blog will not be happy with me. They will see me as giving an outlet for what they might consider a secular message of this kind. As if I am minimizing my frum (religious) credibility with this. So be it. Right now I am all about love and acceptance, it's all I yearn for and need. This is something that moves me and as such I am going to share.) 

I heard this song the other day flipping through some channels on the radio. I was instantly moved. I quickly checked the screen for what it was. It was a song called 'Same Love' by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis.

Apparently it has been out for a bit, but has gotten a lot of play on the radio lately. One might attribute this to June being Gay Pride month. Others might say that the song has a catchy beat and a nice message. To me it is a sign of the times. It is groundbreaking. This is the first hip hop song that so clearly addresses and criticizes homophobia in the USA. The artist does it with subtlety and sensitivity. I am happy for the songwriters success because it must have taken a lot of guts to release this.

You may not agree (and I don't agree) with everything said in the song. You might not agree with it's overall message. It's the beauty of the lyrics that gets to me. I will let you listen for yourself.

Go ahead... Same Love - with lyrics

There is so much to talk about in this song. You can take apart almost every line. I want to talk about some lyrics that moved me and some that started the wheels in mind turning.

A preconceived idea of what it all meant For those that liked the same sex...

'The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go'...

I had never thought of it this way...

Are we playing God by asking someone to change 'with some treatment and religion'? If one is born with a genetic predisposition to homosexuality, than we sure are. It's like forcing a righty to be a lefty. or telling a blonde that he needs to go to therapy to become a red head.

If you feel homosexuality is a learned behavior then you are asking people to change something that has been given to them through God created circumstance and given quite deeply. So deep that therapy has hurt and intensified their scars. Scars of people who have struggled their entire life. Struggled with being 'different'. Struggled with bullying. Struggled with unbearable burdens that they are unable to share with anyone. Some struggling to a point where they have suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Many have attempted suicide and some successfully. They have a need for same gender intimacy that is so intense. Some have carried it for 20, 30, 40 years or longer. It is so ingrained into their psyche. For me it's been 40 years in the making; are you telling me that I should spend a year or two in therapy, finding my manhood and my gay will simply go away? (For the record, I went to therapy including a period of reparative therapy for 9 years) So I ask again; are we playing God by asking gay people to 'change'? I don't see an issue for an individual to try it if he so chooses. But if you impose it on anyone, than you are a Shabtai Zvi. You might as well sit yourself down on the heavenly throne and bring the Messiah; because you are playing God.

'When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart. A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are....' No need to elaborate on children (and adults) committing suicide and how that is a commentary on society. I hope that speaks for itself.

'Same Love' talks about stereotyping to a point where people lose self awareness and unknowingly (and dangerously) suppress an important part of them. It talks about American hypocrisy. It continues by establishing the viewpoint and impositions of religion and politics on the homosexual individual. (I love the usage of the word treatment. It represents the thought that homosexuality is easily changeable, as if it is simply a treatment; as eye drops treat red-eye.) The song continues by pointing out areas of society where homophobia is rampant. Hiding behind the anonymity of the internet to spew hate. 

'Gay is synonymous with the lesser';  Differences should be celebrated as opposed to being the cause of hatred and wars. Don't be silent in the face of bigotry.

Finally an uplifting message of hope.

'No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it's all the same love
About time that we raised up'

Go ahead and listen again... Same Love - with lyrics