A Letter From the Writer of "Faygele, A New Play"

Letter from the playwright:

Faygele is my baby. It is deeply personal, born from the ache of isolation and the longing for truth. I began writing it in 2021, in the thick of the pandemic, when the world felt like it was crumbling. But in many ways, that unraveling mirrored my own, a decade earlier.

At that time, I was a closeted gay Orthodox Jewish man, married, with four children. My life felt fractured beyond repair. People sometimes tell me I was brave for coming out, for walking away from the only life I’d ever known. But I don’t see it as courage. I see it as survival. The universe pushed me to a place where silence was no longer an option. To stay hidden would have been fatal. I chose to live.

Faygele is inspired by the true story of a teenager from a background much like mine. He didn’t make it. Trapped and unseen, he ended his life. His story haunted me. It compelled me. And through Ari, our beautiful, struggling protagonist, I try to give voice to what he might have said if he had been heard.

The characters surrounding Ari are drawn from a tapestry of lived experience, people I’ve known, interviewed, and sometimes just listened to with an open heart. I spoke with rabbis, parents, friends; people intimately connected to boys like Ari. People trying, failing, and sometimes succeeding at holding faith, family, and identity in the same trembling hand

Though Faygele is rooted in a specific world, I believe its heartbeat will resonate far beyond it. This play is for anyone who’s ever felt like an outsider. For anyone who’s ever loved someone trying to find their way back to themselves.

More than anything, I hope that every Ari out there knows they are not alone. That there are people, maybe not always right beside them, but out there, who see them, who love them and who are waiting to embrace them. Sometimes we just have to look a little harder to find that love.

To those seeing Faygele, thank you. I hope you leave with more compassion, more curiosity, and a deeper commitment to listening to stories different from your own. We often fear what we don’t understand. But behind every quiet pain, every proud smile, there is a story. May this play open the door to hearing them.

With love and gratitude,

Shimmy

Faygele A New Play - London Critic's Review Roundup

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

"What Faygele does best is what so much theatre struggles to do. It listens. It lets us hear the quiet suffering, the small joys, the impossible choices. And in doing so, it offers something rare, a moment of recognition for anyone who’s ever had to choose between being loved and being true." - Flicker Magazine

 

https://www.flickermagazine.art/post/opening-night-of-faygele-at-marylebone-theatre

“As I looked around the theatre, and saw tears glistening on people’s cheeks, others reaching for a tissue, it is fair to say that Shimmy’s message does indeed touch the emotions of his audiences.” - Jewish News

 

https://www.jewishnews.co.uk/review-faygele-at-marylebone-theatre/

 

“Several of the play’s revolutionary speeches—particularly those exploring religion and sexuality—are beautifully written and provoke deep reflection.” - Sound and Stage

https://soundsandstage.com/faygele-at-marylebone-theatre-review/

"Braun’s script, brought to life by a standout cast, doesn’t just tell Ari’s story—it demands that we listen." - Adventures in Thatreland

 https://www.adventuresintheatreland.com/post/faygele-marylebone-theatre

 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

"Faygele is a story of the tensions between tradition and progression, between owning your identity while wanting to conform, and of course of the ‘othering’ of LGBTQI people within religious circles." - Curtain Call Reviews

https://www.curtaincallreviews.co.uk/faygele

 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

“For anyone interested in queer stories, Jewish representation, or simply great theatre, Faygele is more than a play, it’s a must see." - 

“A standout performance also comes from Andrew Paul as Rabbi Lev, who is perhaps the most quietly revolutionary character. Instead of condemning, he listens. He reflects. He questions. Through his character, the play asks whether faith can grow, evolve, and hold space for queerness without losing its roots. His attempt to guide the family with compassion rather than judgment adds a hopeful thread to the story.” - Spy in the Stalls

https://thespyinthestalls.com/2025/05/faygele/

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ 

“The honesty and generosity that Braun employs in his writing illuminates dark and difficult corners of life's relationships, across generations and genders, in a drama that is moving, revelatory and packs a huge emotional punch.” - Jewish Renaissance

 

https://www.jewishrenaissance.org.uk/blog/faygele

 

“The scene where Sammy confronts Rabbi Lev over his assumptions and prejudices is beautifully written, thoughtful and powerful as Sammy challenges Lev’s adherence to Leviticus.”

 

https://fairypoweredproductions.com/faygele-review/

 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

“Ilan Galkof who plays Ari is a revelation. The show simply would not work without him. Compelling and expressive, the character is three dimensional. He is funny and likeable without being perfect. He feels real, and that is the central reason the show works” - A Youngish Perspective

 

https://ayoungishperspective.co.uk/2025/05/09/review-faygele/

 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

"...after the applause died down many in the audience could be seen holding each others hands and hugging each other for comfort, clearly effected by the moving story and the power of the performances by the actors that told it." - Jack the Lad Mag

 

https://www.jacktheladmag.com/theatre-reviews/faygele

 

“As we head towards Pride Month, this show is an important opportunity to learn the lived experiences from LGBTQI+ people, and serves as a moving tribute to the teenager it’s based on.” Theatre and Tonic

 

https://theatreandtonic.co.uk/blog/faygele-at-marylebone-theatre-review

 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

“The performer (Ilan Galkoff) has a great aura on stage and can make you think of Timothée Chalamet in Call me By Your Name, with his stage presence and physicality.” - Harry Theatre Life

 

https://www.harrytheatrelife.co.uk/post/review-faygele-marylebone-theatre-london

 

"If Faygele saves just one queer person from feeling alienated from their family or feeling their life isn’t worth living, then Shimmy will have a lot to be thanked for.

And most of all, it shows the true power of theatre."

 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

“Shimmy Braun has written a wrenching and solemn tragedy in Faygele, one whose message I will be taking in for days to come.” - Stage On Page

 

https://www.stagetopage.co.uk/2025/05/faygele-review.html

 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️  

“Like Indecent, there is a play-within-a-play involving a literal turkey prince — yes, really. When Nic Farman’s lighting shifts to glamorous rainbow colours, one of the most brilliant and inventive moments of the play emerges. It’s hilarious, absurd, and unexpectedly moving.” 

 

Theatre Weekly

 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

"Faygele brings freshness to age-old questions of faith, sexuality and identity through its structural inventiveness." - Broadway World

 

https://www.broadwayworld.com/westend/article/Review-FAYGELE-Marylebone-Theatre-20250507

 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

“Faygele is a sharp and necessary reminder, urging us not to forget a history so deeply ingrained in our culture." - Theatre Weekly

 

https://theatreweekly.com/review-faygele-at-marylebone-theatre/

 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

"...there’s a sincerity in Shimmy Braun’s writing which will strike a familiar chord for Jewish audience members, whilst offering sufficient explanation of tradition and language to render the piece wholly accessible, enlightening and engaging for those not of the faith." - London Box Office

 

https://www.londonboxoffice.co.uk/news/post/faygele-review

 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

"Faygele is truthful and beautifully sad, incredibly well-written and directed, a true story from Shimmy Braun that needs to be seen and heard." - London Theatre Reviews

 

https://www.londontheatrereviews.co.uk/post.cfm

 

 

A Guest Post

This is a post from a man who reached out to discuss his struggle with me. I respect and honor his struggle. I am inspired by his fight and consider him a good friend. 

These are his words. 

You are not alone.

 

I didn’t always know this. I still don’t feel it. 

I do know that I don’t have to feel alone. I am not the only one, I am not evil or bad, nor am I god’s mistake.

 

Oh, I am married, frum and Gay too. Growing up I was miserable. I would always think what would happen if [enter name] or [enter any authority figure I should trust] found out.

 

I can’t tell a soul. I am different. I can’t trust anyone. I don’t know what would be with me if they knew I was gay. I was close to a Rebbe in High School. I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t. If only he knew the real me. He would have no choice but to get rid of me.

 

Hiding and masking my real feelings became who I am. I still prefer to just be alone. It is less complicated. I missed the stages where others learn to socialize and just be. Just be part of the crowd and not justify my right to fit in. I guess it is like the kid who never learned to tie his shoe. Or that person who never learned to swim.

Therapy has taught me a lot. But it can’t teach me what I would’ve learned as a “regular teen” in high school. It also can’t undo the years of inadequacy.

 

The thought of high school brings pain and loneliness. The pain of feeling different and ashamed. The loneliness because no friend or person could fill the void I had in my heart. Back then I thought I knew who I would want to fill the void but also knew I would never live that way. You would think I shouldn’t have felt alone because I was one of the great ball players in school and camp. You would never think someone like me can be this way.

 

 

I tried the “change and make me not gay" therapy during my two yeshiva years in Israel. Apparently, never trying hard enough because it didn’t work. I’m consoled this no longer is an acceptable modality. I could’ve saved a lot of money and years thinking I am not a failure at one more thing in life. Trying to change someone “this” way is wrong. Leading one to this false belief is murderous. It just leads them to false hope and a feeling of failure down the line.

 

Years Later I decided to share it with this rebbe I mentioned I was close to. I had hoped that perhaps in doing so it would make a difference to one Talmid of his. Upon sharing it he said he was sorry he didn’t know I was in pain back then and we both cried together. This gives me hope and encouragement for some form of social change happening.

 

I also know that society isn’t ready to accept that some people are different. We didn’t want to talk about cancer or infertility and now we do. Although, I don’t recall cancer and infertility jokes being ok. 

 

Well like every good movie – It is coming to a family near you in the next 5 years whether you like ‘them’ or not.

 

I will be honest and say I don’t know what the secular political way should be. As difficult as it is I understand the religious perspective. Unfortunately, this whole discussion has turned political, our thoughts are biased by politics more than the religious understanding. I don’t know when children should be taught or told of what is called alternative lifestyles. I don’t think it is a school’s decision to make. However, our children should never be made to feel they are receiving our ‘alternative’ version of love. I often wonder how I would react to one of my children being gay. I just cry and imagine crying with them. I would cry because I don’t see a short-term end to their pain. Yet, I know I needn’t worry about this because this could never happen to my own perfect family.

 

We must realize acceptance and love isn’t condoning a lifestyle or a political statement. Unconditional love towards a child isn’t conditional on their sexual orientation. The only way to create a safe place for an open dialogue with our children is to no longer make the gay comments or jokes that are socially acceptable.

Giving credit where it’s due

On the 1 year anniversary of the WHO calling Covid 19 a pandemic I received my second Moderna vaccine. When I received it I felt an obvious sigh of relief but also a sense of accomplishment. I made it. I made it through the year maintaining my sobriety. Not a single drop of alcohol or any other substance to help me through it. (Almost 3 years now). It was by far the hardest work year I have had. The most anxiety ridden year. Sickness and death of family and friends. But I felt it all. I was present. 

When I went to the Dr this morning, I had to answer the question, “Have you been out of the State in the last 2 weeks?״. I had to laugh. I haven’t been out of The state in 13 months. 

530,000 people have died in the US of Covid. 

Yes. There are 525,600 minutes in a year. One death a minute. 

I watched the last year go by with people going to political rally’s with thousands, and not wearing masks or social distancing. 

I’ve seen weddings with hundreds doing the same. I’ve seen funerals (of people who died of Covid ironically) with hundreds of people attending with barely any masks. People were vacationing like nothing was going on. Holiday weekends. All of these turned out to be major superspreaders. 

None of us in “real” life would ever consider ourselves guilty of manslaughter and certainly not murder, but those who believe in an afterlife may agree with me that there will be clarity one day when we stand in the true reality. The most ‘pious’ of us have murdered. The most ‘righteous’ may have massacred. Many have done this in the name of a higher purpose. I am comfortable and confident in saying that no God wanted his servants to spread Covid and hurt and kill others. 

I stand tall and proud in knowing that while I wasn’t perfect, I worked really hard to keep myself and push my family to be as safe and careful as possible. We all made it through without having gotten the disease.  

I am on a flight now heading out to Fort Lauderdale. I will be with my family for the week and I couldn’t be more excited. 

I’m proud of myself. I earned this time away after an excruciating year. 

I’m excited to use it in the best way possible. For connection. For love and for family. What else do we have if not connection? 

Please stay healthy and safe. 

Reflections on Yom Kippur and the year that passed...

This past year has been really difficult. I have been under the radar a bunch because a lot has been going on that has been incredibly traumatic. I have been working on myself in a number of different ways and thankfully seeing really strong improvement.

According to tradition, everything that took place this past year was decided and sealed in God’s “book” a year ago on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

Here are some things that shook me.

A friends son, (who is a friend of my son) died by getting hit by a car. The death had a number of ironies of which I wrote about in a previous post.

My closest friend who was one of the few who truly loved me without judgment, died suddenly of a heart attack at his office. I had spoken with him the day before and we had lunch planned later in the week. There is no one left in my life that I cared for and cared for me in that way.

I got into a really bad car accident. I am blessed to have not been hurt, but it did shake me pretty bad.

That same night of my accident, my son was in a really bad motorcycle accident. I had limited information for close to 3 hours. The hardest 3 hours of my life. This was coupled with the fact that his best friend had just died as well in the same area. I have had a number of relatives (cousin, brother in law, brother in law’s sister etc) and people close to me die in car accidents. He was wearing a helmet, which saved his life, but suffered a number of broken bones and a crazy amount of road burn. Again, I am blessed it was nothing worse and he has almost entirely healed.

I have another child who went through incredibly difficult challenges this year that I can’t really get into. Due to his challenges, I couldn’t visit my other son after the accident. This was so incredibly difficult.

I ended a 3.5 year relationship with someone that meant the world to me and that I loved and still love. I was going through so much emotional and trauma related weakness that I hurt him pretty bad. I begged for forgiveness but I don’t feel like I’ve been blessed with it. In whichever way I can, I forgive him for the ways that he may have wronged and hurt me.

Before this all happened, I entered a 12 step program for addiction to alcohol. My partner was the one that pushed me in that direction. I am grateful to him for that. I had been using alcohol to numb myself at times. After stopping to drink and now being sober for 5 months, I am forced to feel. I felt all of the above so deeply and did not pick up a drink through it all. This is a miracle unto itself. I was advised by my partner to stop taking anxiety medication because sobriety meant not using them. I didn't know otherwise and almost lost my mind and even done worse to myself. I had talked about it in an AA meeting and pretty much got scolded by all the "old timers" for stopping medication. The reality is that I felt all those experiences so deeply. I wasn’t finished mourning one when the other hit and the next and next etc.

At the same time, I am so thankful for my beautiful family. Every one of my children is wonderful. Polite, sensitive, loving and giving. They are healthy. I am healthy. While I deal with depression, anxiety and trauma, I have done a lot this year to help me learn skills to cope. I  accept myself for who I am and to accept my struggles (rather than continuing to suppress them), and how to manage them. For that I am grateful. I am successful in work and have had some high points in that area this past year. I am meeting many wonderful people in AA and creating strong friendships. Mostly, I am getting a lot closer to loving myself for who I am.I am able to share that love with others. I am around people who help me grow.

All the challenges have helped me improve and have taught me how I continue to be strong in the face of grave difficulty.

Tomorrow, God will seal his new book for the coming year; I wish us all love and the ability to love others. Kindness and to be kind. Happiness and to make others happy. Health, success and mostly peace of mind.

I pray; “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

Hugs and kisses.

FGM

Blue (Sapphire) Eyes / Forgiveness

Even though I have self interest in what I say, please take it as you will. 

It is ok to have a forgiving nature. 

It is God’s way. 

Don’t deny yourself the ability to forgive quickly.  It is a blessing that far outweighs its curse.

Don’t fight it. Don’t talk yourself out of it. 

Please don’t change anything about yourself. 

Blue eyes

Blue eyes
Baby's got blue eyes
Like a deep blue sea
On a blue blue day

Blue eyes
Baby's got blue eyes
When the morning comes
I'll be far away
And I say

Blue eyes holding back the tears
Holding back the pain
Baby's got blue eyes
And she's alone again

Blue eyes
Baby's got blue eyes
Like a clear blue sky
Watching over me

Blue eyes
Ooh I love blue eyes
When I'm by her side
Where I long to be
I will see

Blue eyes laughing in the sun
Laughing in the rain
Baby's got blue eyes
And I am home, and I am home again

Blue eyes laughing in the sun
Laughing in the rain
Baby's got blue eyes
And I am home again

- Elton John 

I have no right to offer you a laugh in the sun and certainly not a laugh in the rain. 

But I know that wherever your home may be, you will find it 

because anyone can see it; your sapphire eyes, the windows to your beautiful soul. 

- FGM

True Colors

Green, the color of life, renewal, nature and energy
Purple, the color of power, ambition, magic and luxury
Side by side; a power to create a fusion of magic and energy
However, combining the two colors, creates a dark grey or even a black hue

Grey, the color of uncertainty

Grey, a sad thread through all existence

Black, the absence of color

Black, a mystery, a dark hole, the unknown

A darkened grey amplifies the uncertainty
It creates confusion
It twists the soul
It represents loss and depression

You are green.
I am purple.
Mixed together, we are grey

We are dark grey

We are scared,

We are scarred,
We are tired,
Deprived of rest

How do we love from close and far

How do we live with hearts aching
Why do we long to touch
Why do we cry as we imagine our embrace

We walk an unsecured path
We take risks in the moment

We hurt in our essence
Yet the love never dies

After reflection, we grasp the truth
Love is not the combined
Love is colors lying at each others side
Strong enough to hold their own

We realize that Green is in the east
Purple in the West
From afar, a higher power connects us
And although we stand alone, our power of renewal will live always and forever .

Death... Questions and Ironies

It's a sad day. A friend of mine's son passed away. He was also a close friend of my son. He was hit by a car 2 weeks ago. He was in a coma and passed away last night on Purim eve. The happiest day on the Jewish Calendar. It's the day we dress up in costumes, drink wine until we are confused about the good guys and bad guys and celebrate redemption from the cold hands of the Persians many years ago (just like any Jewish holiday; people wanted to kill us and we got out of the mess, Let's eat!)

This boy had a problem. He was in treatment at a rehab facility and had been about 6 months sober.

Kids who are using (I don't know what it is that he was doing), could die many different ways. We all unfortunately know some who have. 

Irony of all ironies after working through the hardest challenge of his life, he died by getting hit by a car.

So hard to understand. I feel so much for the parents. As a parent of a child who has gone through a similar story, knowing the torturous pain of dealing with a child that is an addict for years. The pain that comes which watching him go through treatment. The hope that he will now find a way. One month sober, 3 months sober, 6 months sober. The change; the gratitude he has, gives us the hope that he may be on his way to leading a happy and productive life. (I know this isn't important but it cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to help your child through a good rehab facility).

To then see your child lost in this way, is an irony that begs for an answer. That the child died on Purim is also an irony that is truly hard to understand.

That said, we can seldom understand. So we pray to a higher power, whatever that may mean to you. 

We get angry, we ask questions and we hope that some entity or being is listening.

I only wish peace, love and happiness from here on out and hope the family gets through this difficult time the best they can. One Day at a Time.

Had to share. Thanks for reading.

With love and care, me

An article that struck me as worth sharing

I know it's been a while. I wanted to share an article that I thought was poignant relating to the Orlando massacre.

OU message

"I came out to my wife... A new chapter...."

Is it really 4 years since I came out to my wife? I wrote this post a day after. When I think about it, I almost relive it. The intensity of the pain I felt in that moment was tangible. I was so very close to saying goodbye to the world. I was so close to ending it all... Somehow I found the strength to open up and share. My wife's reaction and our support for each other and our family is what kept us going.

Here is a re-blog of that post.

I came out to my wife... A new chapter....

Eshel Revisited

Today will be the beginning of the Eshel Shabatton where LGBTQ Jews from all different walks of life will get together to show support and love for each other. It is an amazing way to remind ourselves that we are not alone.

Below are links to my posts after last years amazing weekend. This will be my second year. As with Grease 2 and Blues Brothers 2000, its hard to beat the original; I am hoping and confident that this will be my "Dark Knight' or 'Empire Strikes Back'. I will share more about the 2014 experience in weeks to come.


Eshel 2013 - part 1


Eshel 2013 - Part 2

Ambiguous update (But an update nonetheless)

My apologies for the ambiguity of this post. I need to toe the line between bearing my soul and protecting those closest to me.

The last few months have been intense. I have had some amazing highs but some really intense lows. The highs were pretty much tied to one experience that grew in intensity over this period. Even those high's felt short lived as they were laced with complication and confusion. As such, the lows were primarily from the same experience. I have also experienced some lows tied to a number of other personal happenings in my life. The challenges tend to come in bulk for me.

First the high. Connection. When one can share their life with another and have someone to carry their burdens with, it's not just a sharing of the challenge. Rather, the challenges feel diminished. You simply deal. You feel confident. You feel like you can take on the world. You feel like you have ownership of yourself. I felt this at times.

Conversely, when connection is shaky, when your life gets hit by flaky friendships bordering on dishonesty, people who commit and then renig on their commitments, you feel minimized. You feel taken advantage of. You feel weak. Every problem seems to compound. Connection is lost.

The last little bit of my life makes me think of a boxing match. At first you get hit by a jab. You have your hands up trying to protect your face. You may block one or two punches and slow your opponent down. Then you get hit by another jab... and another one. There is blood starting to drip from your nose. Your lip is starting to swell. Next comes an upper cut. Your head starts to spin. You wonder how you got here. You thought you were stronger and up for the fight. You wonder how you ever thought this was a good idea. Your arms get heavy and you start letting your guard down, a layer of sweat escaping your pores. Then comes the left hook. A combination of sweat and blood burst from your face. If you are lucky you hit the ropes on your way down. Either way you end up on the floor while the countdown starts. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4... you struggle trying to get up. The recognition settles in. Your body loses all control as you are painfully humbled. You are down for the count. 3-2-1. You are done.

Every fight you've had seems to come back to you at once. Your heart breaks. You moan and cry. You are lucky to have a small team of trainers that pick you up from the ground. You are still limp though. Your head is playing tricks on you.

You look over and there is your opponent and his team lifting their hands in triumph. With pity in the victors eye, he comes over to mention the obligatory "nice fight". You want to believe the sincerity but as he looks you in the eye you can see him focusing on his next fight. You have a conflicting sense of relief for a moment. Then you again recognize you are beat.

Then there is a moment of clarity....

It may seem like the ones you are boxing are your friends, maybe even your best friend and painfully your family. But when it comes down to it you are battling, sparring and hurting yourself. 

You consider retirement. You want to hang your gloves up. You give it a week or so. You reflect. You tell yourself that there is still a fight in you. You visit your trainer. With a resolve and with the knowledge that there is a lot of pain to come, you say, "I would like to start training once again".

That is where I am at today.

Memo to myself

When I am alone it's okay to feel lonely. 

It doesn't need to be more than that. 

It doesn't mean I will be lonely for the rest of my life. 

It doesn't necessitate action. 

I don't need to remedy the feeling right away. 

It will pass without me doing anything.  

A short prayer

I am a product of my own experiences...

I am prejudiced
I have bias

I am far from objective, and
I will never practice sincere altruism

I project my standards on others, and 
I am clouded by predetermination

As I conveniently succumb to the vision of my ice-cold eye, and worse, I allow my wicked tongue to wander...

I pray with all my heart and soul that the powers of self awareness take over...

and remind me...

Just as I am so pained when being judged by another; 

May I never, ever begin to judge my brother .

Guest post from a reader... You are not alone

"I am like a eunuch; full of love, hormones and virility, but with nobody to share it with."

I received this anonymously from a reader. I thought it worthy to be posted (with his permission) as this is all too common an experience I witness. While I do receive messages like this all too often, this one was written very well, with class and respect to the reader, Here it is.

Like the creator of this blog, I too am married, frum (religious) .....and gay.

I came across this blog after searching endlessly for some sort of network, some sort of support group, for what I figured must be a problem for a few others out there in the big, wide world as well.

When I finally came across this site, I cried.

The relief that somewhere out there there were others who were going through the same excruciating and hellish path that has been my life, was indescribable.

I ended up making contact with someone on the site - and though we have never met, we regularly catch up, and provide an ear for each other's difficulties.

As cliched as it sounds, the truth is that I knew from very early on that I was not attracted to girls. I had crushes on some of my friends throughout school, and going to Yeshiva was an absolute torment. I came from a real heimishe family, and a very frum kehilla; and exploring and defining my sexuality was a totally foreign concept to me. I refused to recognize that I was created somewhat different to the rest of my peers, only admitting to myself that I had a serious problem which needed sorting out.

I shed copious amounts of tears over the years, beseeching Hashem (God) to hear my pleas and cure my illness. But nothing changed.

I got married and had kids; all the while secretly harboring the real me very deep inside myself, and living life as normally as possible.

But my feelings persisted no matter how hard I tried, I could not change the fact that I was attracted to males and not to females.

Finally, after many difficult years of soul-searching and thinking, I admitted to myself something I'd not allowed myself to think until that moment ........I was Gay. There was no escaping it, no getting away from it.

Instead of davening (praying) for a cure, which obviously was not going to happen, I had to change my tune entirely. I had to accept that this was the way Hashem created me, for reasons only known to him, and that I now needed His help to guide me through this difficult and rocky terrain.

But one question I didn't have an answer for, and nor do I today - is why Hashem would put me in such a compromised position and give me the nisayon (challenge) of homosexuality, while at the same time decreeing it an abomination and unacceptable.

A number of years have passed since that revelation, all of them difficult. While on the outside I live a normal, happy life, inside I am crushed. Each and every day is a struggle. There is no permissible outlet for people like me. There is no physical relief offered for all my emotion and frustration to be poured into. I am like a eunuch; full of love, hormones and virility, but with nobody to share it with. My life is a lonely one, one in which I tread a singular path not knowing whether the man davening next to me, or the one learning across the table from me, is similarly afflicted or not. And there is no way for me to find that out, to share my struggles with a fellow sufferer in my vicinity.

So I reach out to all of you, with the hope that we can become both family and friend, and help each other navigate the supremely difficult path of being a frum, gay, yid.

bignisayon@gmail.com

Live to Love

I was getting frustrated that my iPhone has been constantly auto correcting the word 'live' to 'love'.

Then it dawned on me as to what a powerful correction it actually is.

A mothers suicide

Please note that I am copying this from a friend's Facebook page. I have not read through every link nor am I endorsing any viewpoint. It is important to read and come to your own conclusions.

Original Facebook Post


This week a young mother in the US committed suicide. Deb Tambor was her name. Apparently she took her own life due to the ongoing pressure from her former ultra-Orthodox community who did everything they could to deny her access to her children. Her alleged crime? Going OTD (Off the Derech) – becoming secular. Her own family turned against her. It has been claimed that even her own father testified against her.

It is important that people know the common struggles of leaving the ultra-Orthodox community. Since Deb’s recent death it is becoming clear that there are many others in her predicament. Which is why I can’t remain silent. We weren’t able to save Deb. Hopefully we can save others. There are never any grounds to justify this type of behaviour, especially when the name of religion is invoked.

The following are some articles about this sad story, which some have described as murder:

http://myderech.wordpress.com/2013/09/28/a-mothers-murder/

http://hayleyamanda.com/2013/09/29/for-deb-for-life/

http://hiphopactivist.com/social-justice/stolen-too-soon-in-memory-of-deb-tambor-ah/

http://imacher.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/for-deb-very-special-eulogy.html?m=1

http://thehiddenwithin.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/the-silent-holocaust.html

http://abandoningeden.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/the-death-of-otder.html

RIP Deb.

Please seek help – from family/friends/professionals – before it is too late.

It's time for you to talk... I'd love to hear from you...

I am wondering what you are feeling going into Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur (High Holidays) in regards to three specific thoughts. 

(I am reminding you that this is an anonymous blog. Feel free to be honest with your feelings)

1) What are your feelings toward God? Are you thankful? Do you feel love? Do you feel hurt? Are you angry? Do you question? What would you say to Him if you had a one on one?

2. Heterosexual men and women; how has your view of the Jewish homosexual evolved over the last year? Positive or negative? In what ways?

3. Those who identify as Jewish LGBTQ (all spectrums; married or single, in the closet or out, dating for relationships of a heterosexual or homosexual kind; teenagers struggling etc...) how do you feel about your last year? Have you progressed in your goals? Have you digressed? What do the High Holidays mean to you?

Thank you for your input. 

Re-post from 9/5/11 - I'm in an Elul State of Mind

I am re-posting this entry in honor of a special friend of mine. A rabbi who has stuck with me through thick and thin. He has been there for me unconditionally through my ups and downs. He has loved me knowing my struggles with frumkeit while others who don't know (and can only assume) have distanced themselves in dramatic fashion. For full transparency, I am not currently in a place where I feel and reflect on many of the sentiments I wrote about at that time. Be that as it may, this is a blog post that is very meaningful to him. 
While I don't always have the emotional wherewithal to express this; I love you dearly. A true friend you are and our talks are like the most beautiful song.

(It can also be found here.)

'Elul is here. This is one simple word. It is short and yet so powerful. Elul. I think "Elul" and my blood pressure rises. I say "Elul" and I feel my heart pounding in my chest. Boy did the yeshiva system do a job on me. First I will share what I think Elul should mean to me and then what it unfortunately does mean to me.

Elul is the precursor to the Yomim No'raim. Elul should be a time of introspection, a time of connection. As we have heard many times, Elul represents "Ani L'dodi, V'dodi Li", I am to my beloved and my beloved is mine. Elul should be a time to connect to Hashem and to others. The kitzur shulchan oruch says that there are actually 3 anagrams for Elul representing teshuva, tefilla and tzedaka. For tefilla, he mentions Ani L'dodi, V'dodi Li. He then refers to tefilla as "Rinas Dodim", a song of lovers.

Yes, davening is supposed to represent the beauty of our connection with G-d... Like lovers singing to one another. What a beautiful thought. Davening isn't supposed to be this dry,  empty and laborious exercise. It is meant to afford us a rewarding and deeply emotional experience which enriches our relationship with Hashem. To me this is what Elul should be about, developing this connection while reflecting on the positives and negatives of the year past. What took place this past year that caused distance and what allowed for connection?

While intellectually I understand this idea, I can never seem to internalize it emotionally. I went to yeshiva in which Elul was all about fear. It was this build up of dread starting with Rosh Chodesh Elul, continuing with late night and early morning selichos, rosh hashana and the crescendo of Yom Kippur. Our rabbeim took the easy road and preached fear and punishment. Death and gehinom. It was 40 days of intense feelings of guilt, worthlessness and self-condemnation. It was a time where every sin was magnified in my own eyes to a point where the burden was unbearable. I was 13 years old when this  Elul abuse started. It continued through my teenage years and even today deep into my thirties.

So how does this cycle change?

My therapist is fond of telling me to look at Hashem as a loving Zeide and not as an abusive father. What a beautiful idea. What sage advice. I want to feel this with all my heart. There are times when I get close to this goal but I just cant seem to internalize it. I feel like there is this wall between me and G-d that I can't seem to break down. Even at times in which I feel more connected and I feel His presence in my life I can't seem to tangibly feel His love. Even as I write this, my eyes are tearing up and my soul yearns for connection.

Wouldn't it be exhilarating going into this Rosh Hashana not in a state of dread, but rather with an intimate and unbreakable bond with the ultimate being? Wouldn't it be amazing walking into shul feeling like you are being hugged by a father who loves you completely and unconditionally?

Please share with me any ideas you might have. Please advise on Seforim you might recommend that can help me focus on the positive and develop this love. Please share ways that you might have faced similar challenges and learned to overcome them.

Thank you for reading.'

A hero - A year later

It has been about a year since mine and my families worlds were turned over. This was when word got out on the street of my orientation and that my wife and I would be divorcing. This was obviously traumatic for us, our children and families, but it was traumatic too for the Jewish community who is generally insulated from being penetrated by stories such as ours. 

At the time there were people coming out to support, including Rabbi's and community leaders. There were unfortunately others who decided to spread false and vicious rumors about me and were not that supportive. There was a day where I hit a wall. I had no idea where to hide or whom to turn to. The irony is that while crazy rumors were going around that I was throwing things at my wife, she was the one I called to cry to. She was the one that gave me the support to continue on. 

Remember; this was my wife who could have thrown me out of the house and locked the key. She could been angry and spiteful and taken the side of some of the naysayers. She could have chosen to simply keep quiet and let the chips fall where they may.

Instead she decided to take a heroic stance. She got up and wrote a Facebook post. While it may have stirred up more conversation, it was nothing less than a beautiful display of love and dignity. People were upset with her on why she had to share this with the public. There are many answers to that selfish question. I simply say that when we talk about tznius as modesty and humility, this is the model for its implementation. 

She is and always will be a hero.

Here is the post.

My dearest ******
I want to start out by saying I love you. Before I go any further, if for some reason, u don't make it thru this letter, I wanna make sure u know I love u.
I can't begin to understand what life is like for u. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be you right now. Especially after all you've done for so many people only to have many of them turn their backs on u. You know what they say, that usually that means they see a little of u in themselves. They can't deal. Because they know how amazing u are. They know that u have the biggest heart of any man alive. They know that it took more courage and strength for you to be you than they will ever have in their whole lives. They are jealous. "They" are insignificant. "They" didn't get to spend 18 years with u. "They" didn't get to have the most amazing kids on the planet with u. "They" didn't get to grow and learn with u and from u the way I have. "They" are "pots calling the kettle black". What happened to "love thy neighbor". What happened to not judging? Not casting stones? Not speaking Loshon Horah? Nothing. They are still there. In neon lights. Blazing overhead. And "they" are blind.
Please don't use "them" as ur guide. "They" are insignificant.
U are, BY FAR, the most amazing, wonderful, loving, warm, caring, smart, special, sensitive, amazing (it bears repeating) person I know.
I am honored and privileged to call you my best friend for life.
I love u more than pecan pie.
Love always, *****