Sunday, January 6, 2013

Emotional intensity...

I am having some intense ups and downs right now. I have regrets that I know I can't do anything about. I have hurt from various people in my life. I am having a hard time controlling and coming to terms with them. My life is taking me to many different geographical locations on too frequent a basis. It is exhausting to say the least. I am trying to make decisions on where I should ultimately live. There are strong arguments for each location. Because I go to my family every other week for 4-5 days, dominating my mind is the ease of travel to and from one location over the other. One is a simple train, the other a flight.

There are social advantages and social disadvantages in each place. In the city I live in primarily, I can count on my fingers the amount of people I know that struggle with homosexuality in the face of Judaism There are no support groups. Even the few that I know exist, none have a similar upbringing to mine.  In one of the other places I am considering, there are tens, if not hundreds of people along the spectrum in this struggle.

There are real financial considerations that are heavily weighing on me day in and day out.

There are considerations as it relates to religion. I am trying to negotiate myself through understanding and being comfortable with who I am frum-wise. I must consider where I live to have the best chance to balance, soul search and 'find' myself in this area.
There are a number of other difficulties that are too personal to talk about here.

My challenge is that I am not finding that I have the emotional and practical smarts right now to know how to make these decisions. My therapist understandably is giving me tools to help me allow myself permission to be indecisive. He is not clearly helping me make decisions. I don't think that is his job though.

There are people in my life that have been there for me in the past. They have allowed me to show vulnerability and cry to them when I have needed to. Some of these people are not allowing me this privilege anymore. This has traumatized me as it relates to sharing with anyone. I feel so bad sharing anything with others at this point. I second guess if my friends and family care to hear about my challenges because I have others in my life that don't. So I keep it inside. I then allow myself to live in my head. When I think too much, nothing good happens. My mind and my stomach burn slowly. My appetite lowers and sleep is close to non-existent. I have been trying to keep myself busy by doing things that make me feel good. Exercising, working harder, learning with my chavrusa b'iyun so that I really can exercise my mind.

For the first time in a while I have found myself talking with Hashem when I daven. The conversation is not particularly friendly but it is a conversation nonetheless.

I sometimes want to scream. I many times want to cry. At select times (Those times that alcoholics call a moment of clarity) I am incredibly happy. I recently spent a few days on vacation with my oldest son. While it was only a few days, we took advantage of the time. It was a wonderful experience that brought me positive motivation and outlook. I spoke with him about some intimate feelings that I was experiencing. Him using his smarts way past his years, was more mature, sensitive and understanding than some people double and triple his age.

Either way, as it has always been; my highs are incredibly high and intense and my lows are intensely low. I feel like a lot of my challenges are situational but various obligations keep me from accomplishing in those areas. Even if I did not struggle with this and had the perfect marriage, the intensity of my job alone would make my life overwhelming. Throw in there all these other elements and it many (most) times seems unmanageable.

My choices brought me here. I don't know that my mind allowed me control in those decisions at the time. No difference. I take responsibility for the results of my actions. Unfortunately, that knowledge and acceptance doesn't practically make this any easier.

I hope and pray that I can find the tools I need to get past this period in my life. I am working on compartmentalizing the various hurdles that I have, so that it seems like life is under control. I have fought through so much for so long. My history tells me that at some point I will find the resolve to fight my way through this and sort it all out. Some peace of mind and clarity in my life would be so appreciated right now, even if just for a small extended period of time.

PS I feel good that I got this out. :-)

PPS To the many people that have reached out through email (and that know me and call) that are struggling with their sexuality and abuse (or both), I am sorry that I can't be the most supportive right now. I love you. I respect you for your challenges and support you deeply. I share your pain with you. I am sorry, but at times my own struggles don't allow me to be there for myself, let alone for others. Please keep on checking in though. At some point I will be there for you.

1 comment:

  1. Ive been thorough this...Keep pushing