Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Standards, ambiguity and (my lack of) Restraint....

I want to preface this by saying that overall I am doing pretty well. It's the nights that tend to get lonely. I pray that my next entry will be more upbeat.

I'd like to write about a problem I think many of us share but I think is a mistake. I will then share something personal (As if this blog otherwise is not personal :-).

The challenge is that we have an expectation that the rest of the world should live up to our personal standards.

If we have a high standard in an area of kindness we want others to meet that level. If we go out of the way to show love to someone in need, we think lesser of the world for not expressing that love to us when we need it. If there is something we don't say because we find it offensive, we can never understand how another person can talk that way to us.

I obviously know that one can never live with this attitude simply because it is unrealistic and they will always be let down. We are all different and have our own standards. That's what makes this world so interesting.

Here's where I drive myself mad though. I find myself lowering my own standards because I am trying to adapt to others. An example is; I want badly to share vulnerability with some friends but  I won't necessarily do it because I don't think they would be vulnerable to me. Another; I want badly to reach out to a friend to see how he is doing but I am thinking that he is holding back and would have a hard time doing the same for me. So I fight an incredibly hard battle within myself. Do I cave to my emotions or not.

I hate it because it is so unnatural to me. It is not in line with my core. I need to do what I feel is right. This is where I tend to let myself down. I usually end up giving in because I lose the battle of restraint. I don't play by my own rules. I can't control my need. Once I give in there is self loathing because I feel I've lost the inner battle again. I want to live true to myself. I can ultimately deal with the fact that people won't live up to my standards, but I loathe the fact that it seems so easy for them not to.

I may be a romantic but sometimes I wish others would break the rules. Break rules in ways that benefit me. Break rules that we set between each other. Break rules of conformity and meet a standard they may not typically allow for themselves. Show me that they care.

So I end up over thinking it. Do they care for me? Do they think I don't care for them? Do they even care if I care? Do they care for me enough that they are scared of hurting me? So I end up with the feeling I hate most, ambiguity. Lack of clarity.

Then I end up blogging about it in the wee hours of the morning because the thoughts fill my mind.

And then I ask yet again; why am I so damn hard on myself?

PS I don't know if some of these posts are helping people. I apologize if they don't seem to be. Sometimes I need to write to help myself. You ask why I don't just write it and then keep it personal. The answer is twofold; firstly that I allow myself to be selfish for me sometimes and second, I hope I am getting a message out and potentially helping someone, somewhere.

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