Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Making decisions...

I've been thinking things over. I wanted to share some things I am working on. Some of these are decisions I have made the last couple days and others I have been working on for a while.

1) Over the last few months I was testing the waters to see if I wanted to move. I know this isn't earth shattering news for anyone but I have decided for the foreseeable future to stay in the town I have lived in for the recent 13 years. I am putting the idea of moving on hold. I need the stability of friends, work and routine that I have out here even at the loss of ease of travel and potential friendships/social connections that I was hoping for in the other location. For the new friends that I made the last few months, I thank you and continue to admire and respect you. Keep in touch. Who knows what time will bring but for now I am staying put.

2) I am minimizing things in my life that I became dependent on. Smoking was an addiction. It's been over 3 months since I have had a cigarette.
Drinking was not at the point of addiction but I was overdoing it to sometimes mask my pain. I have not had a drink in a longer period of time than it's been for months and I intend to continue.
Eating; I am at my lowest weight since 1995. Unfortunately a lot of that has been because of a loss of appetite but at the same time I have been exercising and working hard to eat less and more healthy.

3) Facebook - Hard to realize while you are in it what an addiction it is. I am not saying that to everyone its an addiction but I am certainly saying it about me. In my most difficult times I found myself posting things a little too personal and a little too often only to remind myself the next day that it probably was not a very good idea. That said, it's only been two days since I have deactivated my account and I am going a little stir crazy. I find myself subconsciously clicking the link at work only for it to ask for my password. Than I remind myself that I don't have it. Same with my iPhone. Constantly clicking the app. My gut tells me this won't go on forever and I'll be back on Facebook at some point but I need to prove to myself I can stay off for a bit.

4) Impulsiveness - 2 areas I need to work on. First is making quick decisions that I sometimes regret. As I stated in my last post both my highs and lows are incredibly intense. When I am in either of those places I find myself making decisions that aren't the best for me. I than beat myself up really hard for making those decisions. It is an incredibly vicious cycle. I believe everyone in a state of vulnerability needs someone  to have accessible. Be it a friend, spiritual guide or a therapist to run the dilemma by before making a decision that can be regretted later. We are too subjective. That person in my life has been gracious enough to identify himself to me. To be continued on how that goes. 

Second is staying away from putting myself into situations that can cause me to make mistakes. Examples for some might be that a person struggling with alcohol, should not go to a bar under the guise of socializing. An ex-smoker shouldn't go out with his co-workers on cigarette breaks just to keep them company. Without going into detail I have made mistakes and have hurt people in ways because of this challenge.  Regret eats me on the inside and makes my whole body feel numb and empty. At times I hate myself for it. Bringing me to my next point.....

5) Lastly, I need to stop being so damn hard on myself. Even with all said here and in my previous post; when I make mistakes I need to give myself room. I have to stop judging myself. I am vulnerable. I feel intensely. I will stumble. I will fall. At times I have stumbled and I have fallen. Through the summer I was keen on saying "I am Titanium". I felt that way for a while. I have questioned myself a lot recently. How strong am I really? How much can I handle? I need to live for today and not beat myself up over yesterday. I need to live for today and not stress about tomorrow. 

I need my friends and family to remind me of these decisions but to also remind me that a lot is going on and I absolutely can not beat myself hard when I perceive myself as having messed up.

PS A message to my friends and family... The last few months have been very intense; it was wonderful at times, and well, lets just say quite complicated at times. I still love you (intensely). Thank you for being there. Even if I don't always show the appreciation, I still thank you and I need you in my life. Please continue to reach out. Please don't feel bad when I don't always respond. I know I make it difficult for you at times. Please continue to give me support and remind me that I am loved for my strengths and my faults alike.

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