Friday, January 11, 2013


I hate loss. It encompasses my every thought. A minute feels like a day and a day like a week and so on. In the moment it seems like it will never end.

The recent weeks have been from the longest weeks of my life. I would say I'm glad this one is over but I know Shabbos will be one of the longest shabbosim of my life. Who knows what next week will bring? My guess is continued pain.

I am not privy to updated information that I am needing badly. The lack of knowledge is eating me up. I wonder if it's bad news that is being kept from me. Then I wonder if hearing bad news is better than not hearing anything at all.

What can I fill the emptiness with? I don't know. I just wish I wasn't consistently teased by God. I wish I could have the strength to avoid complete loss by finding within myself a way to maintain some of what I had. I need it very badly. Why do I go to extremes?

Some of you know what it is I am struggling with. The others that don't, please forgive me for the cryptic nature of this post. I needed to write about this the best I could.

I've cried enough tears this week for a year, maybe 5 or 10. Why do I torture myself so?

PS 01/12/13 11:30pm Shabbos has come and gone. It was actually really nice and relaxing. First time in a while. Went to all 3 tefillos which isn't common when I have the kids exclusively. I again focused and thought about what I was saying. I was expecting Motzei Shabbos to be rough because there is something I would wait for every Motzei Shabbos for the last number of months that I was confident I wouldn't get this week (and I was right). Some friends helped me through and I am doing really good. Have a great week everyone.

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