Update on being "out" relating to this blog...

I am having a hard time understanding something. I usually get 30-50 hits a day on this blog (There are stat trackers). My community started to talk about my sexuality on Monday. That day my blog got 400 hits. Tuesday had me receive 800 hits. Wednesday 1400 hits and so far at only noon on Thursday there are over 1300 hits.

I don't know if this blog will go viral but I will tell you that if I save one person from hurting themselves, depression or pain, I will have accomplished everything. One life, physically, emotionally or spiritually will be worth every negative email and comment I get and I have gotten many. Kol hamatzil nefesh echad ke'illu hetzil olam malle. I have also gotten amazing expressions of support from people so close to me and people from my past. 

I will be publishing (without their names) many emails, texts, conversation and comments on both side of the spectrum as time goes on.

Blogspot gives a general source of where people come from like Facebook and Google. It also says the key words people are searching. The primary source of people coming to my blog right now is Google. This means that people who never had perspective on this in the past are searching the words "frum gay" or frum, married and gay" etc to find information. This tells me that people are searching for perspective and information. I will continue to do what I have always done which is smile through my pain, lift people who are down up and support people who need it.

(Anyone looking for support in this area or in general is always welcome to email me at festerfest123@gmail.com, anonymously or not.)

When these blog hits came in hard I asked my wife if she wanted me to take this down because of the personal nature of the information. She said to me and I paraphrase "The blog was what helped get you to where you are today. It would be a shame for you to take it down". What a hero. She continued by saying how people can gain so much by this and I should leave it up. Anyone who knows me knows that it is not my nature to flaunt. I can tell you though for the sake of understanding that many struggling gay men, both married, divorced and single have reached out to tell me that I inspire them. Some people have told me I have said that I give them inspiration to live. I share the credit for this with my beautiful wife.

As the song goes;

I'm bulletproof, nothing to losefire away, fire awayricochet, you take your aimfire away, fire awayyou shoot me down, but I won't fallI am titaniumyou shoot me down, but I won't fallI am titanium

11,000 views and an observation

Thanks for getting me to 11,000 hits on my blog. Over 200 today so far.

I see in the admin that there are a number of hits from Facebook reposts although I can't see who's posting. Thanks for spreading my words.

If you can share Facebook comments, positive or negative or send me the links that would be cool. I'd love the feedback. Festerfest123@gmail.com.

Thanks.

I am now out...

So folks, the day has come. I have been outed to the public (not by choice, but by community gossip) but yet I feel relieved. I will not be publishing my name on my blog. This may come sometime in the future but for now I will be keeping the blog anonymous. I am sure some will put it together although I talk about family members and  negativity in my upbringing. People search my name thousands of times a year due to the work I do and I don't want it to connect to the blog.

Update:

Once my wife and I decided to divorce, she became. my biggest advocate and has verbalized that she is my best friend and that she is happy for me and feels I am doing the right thing. We talk all the time and have Shabbat meals and dinners with the kids every week.

My wife and I told our children together about the divorce and homosexuality (which was extremely powerful) and I got some interesting questions like "So why did you get married in the first place". To comments that "you are my dad no matter what and I am happy for you that you are finding yourself and won't have to hide any more". That was my oldest who is a teenage boy.

I am so proud of them and very proud of myself for how I have allowed this journey to play out. Class, dignity, compassion and sensitivity. And it has paid off.  I will always be their for them. I am gay but I am their dad and my wife's best friend.

Over the months I had many people tell me how I am going to screw up my family, my kids will hate me etc... I believe you are correct in so far as the person going through it wasn't a caring and loving father, husband and friend. I believe I spent my entire life building up to this moment. I spent my years being a great husband to my wife, a loving and supportive dad to my kids and a friend who is there for people no matter the circumstances. This is why people taken it well. It's because they love me and know my core. I have heard numerous times from people who have no reference to homosexuality that I come out to that nothing has changed. They tell me "you are still the same person we have grown to love".

Any way, like I said, I am not hiding anymore. I am proud. I am not advertising my homosexuality but I am not denying it either.

I am close to the happiest I have ever been in my life.

Thanks to those who have been supportive. To those who have been critical, you have been mistaken in so far as you generalized and had no frame of reference to who I was or am. That's a shame.

Thanks all.

The 9 days and my own private holocaust

Even with my current struggle maintaining orthodox judaism, I still feel a connection to the 9 days. Each of my grandparents lost immediate family members to the Nazi's. Some murders were witnessed. I am a Jew and my family and people suffered through all our years. That identity connects me to our history and gives me the motivation to conform to the requirements of the 9 days and feel guilty when I don't.

At the same time I would argue that I personally have suffered my own private holocaust. The abusive upbringing I had. Abuse at the hands of the people close to me; teachers, family, a therapist and counselors in camp. Bullying to a horrible extreme that caused me to contemplate suicide numerous times. All that time struggling with my sexual orientation and the conflicts that brings in reconciling it with my judaism.

Bottom line. I feel like I can cut myself some slack. My suffering and pain has been deep, long and to my core. Would I switch with holocaust survivors? Probably not.

Lets compromise and call it a mini-holocaust, but a holocaust nonetheless.

This brings me to my next point. For people who never suffered physical or sexual abuse; for you to judge, project and blatantly accuse abuse survivors of making things up, you deny them the ability to speak up and certainly heal; you reinforce the pain and insecurity that has been projected on them for all their life. You are abhorrent. You are a life sucker. You should look in the mirror and let shame take you over. If your are family, shame, shame, shame. All the more so...

Al tadin es ha'adam ad shetagia l'mkomo.

Dont judge another until you walk their shoes.

Quick comment on the OU response to Obama

The OU response to the presidents statement on same sex marriage is here

And I quote "Jewish law is unequivocal in opposing same sex relationships.".

Again, distorting the truth. The Torah has nothing to say about "same sex relationships"

Please don't tell me that it is obvious they meant having intercourse because; one, it isn't obvious; and two, when you say something in the name of the Torah, it ought to be accurate. Every word is critical.

I came out to my father....

Last week I had a conversation with my father. We were discussing the challenges I am having in my relationship with my wife. He did not know about my struggles with homosexuality. We had discussed the marital struggles before but I could not be forthright because I wouldn't share the gay piece. I would always just ask him to respect that I couldn't share everything with him.

However after being asked alot of questions that past time and really not being able to answer; I finally said to myself. It's time. I don't have much to lose at this point. I said to my father something like, "you have been saying that you want to be there for me 24/7, that you will always love me unconditionally. If you truly want to know what I am going through I will be challenging those ideals". I asked him if he was prepared to hear something very difficult. Without a beat he said yes. It took me a minute or two but I finally got it out.

I told him I truly believed that I am homosexual. I shares with him the struggles I've had through the years. Again without missing a beat he said something like this; "I feel horrible for the pain that you have been through. I can't even imagine what it's been like and I am hurting for you." He continued by relaying to me that there is nothing I can tell him that will make him love me any less.

 I cried.... Alot.

We went on to talking about issues I had with my upbringing; the bullying in school, the abuse in camp. I had no one to turn to. He told me that he wished he could turn back time and be a better father for me and he's so sorry that there is no switch he can flip to turn back time. He said that even though he knows that he could have been a better person and father, he knows that he is a different person now and that he will love me unconditionally until 120.

 To put this into perspective, my father is a "type A" personality. He is as much of a man as a man could be (in societies view). He is and always has been an orthodox Jew and the child of holocaust survivors. I am not sure what I was to expect but this was not it. He did not have a word of doubt or criticism. He did not ask me if I am sure. He did not recommend therapy etc... He just acknowledged his love for me no matter what.

For the last 4 days since this conversation, I have spoken to him many times and he has not wavered. When I now say "I love you" to him I mean it with all my heart. I am blown away by what took place and I am so incredibly thankful. Within my God struggle, for the first time in a long time, I felt compelled to say thank you to him.

 I am not sure where things will go with my wife or my dad for that matter but for the first time in my 35+ years of life I can finally say and feel with all my heart, "I have a father".

Why does it still surprise me?

It is amazing how R' Shmuel Kamenetsky chooses to write a response to the issue of Metzitza B'peh found  Here.

To my knowledge the metzitza b'peh issue has not caused depression and suicide, ruined lives and pushed people off the derech.

Yet still silence on the issue of homosexuality when the Rosh Yeshiva himself admitted to his error in signing Jonah's "Torah" declaration. It's unbelievable to me.

How does he choose what is important enough for his time?

I continue to feel that God needs better representation on this world. I am happy that there are some wonderful people and even Rabbi's in this world. The overwhelming majority and at a minimum the ones most in the public eye continue though to push me away from Orthodoxy.

The depth of my pain...

Last night was from the most difficult nights of my life. I have never cried so much and with so much depth in my pain and tears.

I am trying so hard. I don't know what I could be doing more or better. I am in a downward spiral. I hope that I don't end up hurting myself.

I feel like I am Tom Hanks in Castaway. I am on my own desert island. I am trapped without anyone knowing where I am. The few that have seen my SOS sign in the sand continue to fly overhead thinking that it is one big joke.

It's not a joke. My therapist told me a few weeks ago that me and my wifes situation is the hardest one hes encountered in his many years of giving therapy. He mentioned dealing with people who have lost children. He says ours is the hardest because we love each other and every which way we turn there are layers of complication that bring further layers of complication. At the same time he is so overwhelmingly busy that even in the depths of my despair I can't seem to get an appointment with him. You'd think he would find time for what he bills his hardest case in his career? He is just the therapist through this. My wife and I are the actual ones suffering. I got a sarcastic passive aggressive message from him this morning laying on the guilt for me having the gall to try to push him past his full schedule. I therefore have decided to end my 12 years of therapy with him this evening and move on. I need someone that can be there for me through times that I feel suicidal and that I want to end the pain and can find the time for an emergency.

I need hope. I need clarity. I need to feel love. Hashem and his Torah are not supplying that to me at this time. The Rabbi's are not supplying it to me at this time.

I thank my select group of friends for being there for me but I cant keep burdening them with all my emotional instability.

I don't know how to balance my responsibilities as a father, husband, businessman, Jew, friend etc without losing my mind.

To be continued...

Wow... This is groundbreaking...

http://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/editorial/the-jewish-press-wont-be-silenced/2012/01/31/

Beautiful Jewish Press Artice

This sums it all up...

Jewiah Press Article on being gay in the ftum community

Thank you Chaim for your bravery in sharing your story.